Doctor's Appointment

After three months of being on the insulin pump, my A1C was 8.6 - higher than it had been, but that was expected with the shitty control that starting the pump had caused.

In theory, those months are behind me. I should have a substantially lower A1C because I've been on the pump for a while and those problems should have been ironed out.

Today's A1C was 8.4. This confirmed my feelings that things haven't actually improved. With my sugars shooting up every 2 or 3 days, it's still causing the overall situation to be bad.

What does my A1C mean?

I'm 1.4 higher than the standard target for diabetes management.

That means I'm 14% more likely to have diabetes complications than they would like me to be.

That means I'm 24% more likely to lose a limb or go blind or kidney damage than a non-diabetic.

It frustrates me, because I was moving towards that target range when I was on MDI, but now insulin pumping is putting me back in the wrong direction.

Anyway, the worst part of my appointment was the fact that my endo had absolutely no knowledge of why my infusion sets might not be working for a few hours after inserting them

His only suggestion was that most of his patients only use their abdomen and they never have those problems. I explained to him that it happens in my abdomen as well, but that didn't change is suggestion.

This is unforgivable! I can understand that he might not have come across that in his own practice, but he wasn't even willing to think diagnostically about it - he just told me that I should talk to my pump educator, and that I should ONLY use my abdomen. That is a blatant contradiction to what every diabetes educator and pump information source I've ever read has said.

Passing the buck - sucks!

Hello, my name is Michael and I'm a stupid idiot.

Actually, I shouldn't blame myself too much, but I should have double checked like I usually do.

And now, time to elaborate.

I was doing laundry last night. The laundry room is just 10 steps from my apartment. Because there is no-one else in the building, I have the laundry to myself and I just leave my door unlocked. Long story short, last night the door must have been swung open wide enough that it pushed in that little locking thingy. In conclusion, I locked myself out of my apartment nearing 1am.

At that time of night, there is nothing open in downtown London. I had no socks on - they were in the drier. I must have wandered the halls of the apartment for an hour, searching for a secret spare key or way to jimmy my way back in before giving up and resigning myself to sleeping on the floor in the hallway.

Once I started falling asleep (not really..) I noticed that my sugars were going low. Reminder that nothing is open downtown, my tester is inside the apartment, and I have no sugar.

I did something that I had never consciously done before, and never want to have to do again. I stopped my pump waited until my liver kicked in some sugar. I was confident that my body would do this - it's done it countless times overnight while I was sleeping.

It was pretty horrible. I just laid there on the hallway floor, drenched in a cold sweat, pressing my eyes closed until it had passed. I don't know how much time passed, but eventually I could tell I was no longer low. I turned my pump back on, wiped my forehead and tried to fall asleep.

The bookstore next door opened at 10am today, so I went there and used the phone to call my landlord and I was back in my apartment with nicely folded laundry at 11am. Because of my liver kicking out the sugar, I was 15.3 when I tested, so I've corrected and I'm hoping to salvage some goodness out of the rest of today.

In conclusion,

My advice to the world is to not lock yourself out of your apartment - and if you do.. find a way to not have to sleep on the ground!

Quick spurts of updates

Work is going well - for a few weeks, sales were incredible. Now it is calming down and likely won't be as awesome for the rest of the summer.

The pump is still less-than-awesome. My latest infusion change was smooth-ish, but I was using my insulin pen for 6 hours to cover the time when it would be pooling. I miss the days of only having to bring the pen out when I needed it - I didn't have to carry around the 24/7 reminder that weights down my pockets.

My appointment is on Tuesday, so I need to start recording sugars so I have something to show for what my sugars do.

I'm on the verge of actually going hardcore with a fitness program of some type. I'm ridiculously out-of-shape and I really need to do something about it. I've been using an exercise video that I downloaded, walking, and playing the Wii fit game, but I know I need to be more serious. I'm looking into a possibly ghetto gym that's just around the corner. It's possibly a pyramid gym scam, but I'm still trying to figure out when and how they get money from you.

I haven't written any music this summer and I feel so lazy because of it.

Maybe I'll just jump into hardcore mode of everything:

Wake up early and work out everyday, then write music for a few hours and then go to work - all while keeping track of my sugars and being super-awesome!

I know it shouldn't, but it seems like such a ridiculous fantasy world...

I just realized on my schedule that I have an endocrinologist appointment next week, meaning that I need to get my blood-work done in the next day or so.

I'm really not looking forward to seeing my A1C... I know things have gotten better than they were in that first month, but not much... This will help me decide if pumping is something that i want to continue. The highs every 2 or 3 days due to infusion changes are not good. I'm hoping my doctor will have some inspiring advice for that. Whether or not they are affecting my A1C doesn't matter too much, I'm not sure how much longer I can handle them.

My convocation is tomorrow.  I won't be going to the long, boring ceremony; rather, I will go to the short ceremony of only music people that has food afterwards.

I will get to talk to my roommate for next year about how we are going to hunt and find an apartment when both of us think it's too damned expensive to make a trip out there in advance.

This is going to be an expensive next few months.

I have money set aside for the rest of rent and whatnot in London.  Pretty much 80% of my paychecks are going straight onto my mastercard.  I want to pay it down completely - in theory to get out of consumer debt, but in reality, I will need to have room on my card for:

-a trip to Winnipeg fairly soon

-the flight to Vancouver

-moving my things to Vancouver

-buying new furniture when I get there, bed and desk should be enough to get me by

Oh ya, I should also make sure I have some fluid cash to pay for first month's rent and deposit and the sort.

Despite the fact that I've been bitchy about and at work, I've been having a good week and making lots of money, so I'm thinking this will be a good summer for money.

I had my first of this month's Sunday church services; I'm filling in for a friend who is out of town.  It went well, and the reverend commented that something clicked this morning - I sounded like a natural.  I thought I did a pretty good job last summer, but I'll still take it as a compliment.  

Infusion Site Review: Right Arm

I managed to find 5 infusion sites on my right arm which saw me through about 2 weeks.

Not completely related to diabetes... one day I became startlingly aware of how little upper body strength I have when I tried to do push-ups and failed miserably.  Since then, I've been doing them everyday before my shower, systematically increasing the number each time they seem easier.  I do them with my arms on the bathtub so they are easier because the angle is lesser (Yes, I realize that this means I'm doing girl-pushups, but I'm fine with that!).  Within a few weeks, starting at 5 pathetic ones, I can do 25, and still increasing.

I'm certainly not buff, but I'm realizing that my arms have more muscle mass in them than most other areas of my body.  Because a lot of the infusions sites hit muscle, a lot of them resulted in 'pooling' where it takes a few hours before the insulin is absorbed and works.  I only had one out of the 5 sites that did not have pooling, and that site was problematic for completely other reasons: adhesion!

The site that had no pooling and had really good absorption didn't even last 2 days.  It dislodged overnight and I woke up with ketones.  That site was on the back of my arm, close to the armpit.  I don't have problems with adhesives, so I'm thinking that this problem was because my antiperspirant was interfering - each time I applied, it would hit the plastic nub on the site.  Or, it could be due to sweat, which is also quite likely.

In general, comfort was ok.  The tubing has a way of creeping upwards, which can feel a little tickly when you have a bunch of tubing conglomerating at your armpit.  Because the tubing is so long, I have to wear an undershirt at night to keep it in place, otherwise arms and legs and other appendages might get caught in it .

In general, the arm went well.

I put in a new site last night in my right upper back.  I imagine I'll be able to get at least 6 sites out of my back, so here goes another few weeks or a month.

Hitchcock's Birds - in real life!

What words might you associate with this picture?

Pretty, stoic, birdly, feathery?

Perhaps...

I call it EVIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One of these little bastards attacked me today as I was walking by a creek.  It swooped down and hit me with feet or wing right on the top of my head.

It didn't hurt, but it shocked me - and those who know me, know that my reaction was not silent.

I let out a loud "FU@&" and expressed my dissatisfaction on my cell phone to the person with whom I was talking.

I was hung-over and all I wanted to do was lie down and sleep on the grass in the sunshine, but I couldn't do that with this evil little monster flying around!

This evening, I was able to identify the species of bird online and discovered that I am not alone in my experience.  Apparently, it is well documented that these are malicious birds and they like to defend their territory by swooping down on people often!

In other news, today was my last day at the ballet school I have been playing at in London.  It was a great part-time job to have this year, but I'm glad the year has come to an end.  I've long known that ballet-piano is not something that musicians can do for a long time without a certain embitterment and general disdain for the world; I'm finding that I'm getting close to my saturation point.  It's good to have it as a back-up or part-time job, but I will be happy to not have to play for dance classes next year in Vancouver.

I think I will still play for some exams because it is contract work and I've already learned the music, so the investment has already been made!  

Not to say that I can't still improve in my playing for dance classes, but I think I've learned about as much as there is to learn from ballet classes about the relationship of dance and music.  I am looking forward to exploring that relationship more through a creative process - working more with choreographers and professionals.

Life seems to be going pretty well these days.  The summer is already slipping by and surprise, surprise, I've done nothing.

I'm working, that's it.  The people at work are great and we're having lots of fun both in and out of the office.  The downside to that is that I'm spending a lot - too much money.

Part of me wants to be doing lots of great, worthwhile things this summer - reading books, listening to loads and loads of music and writing piece after piece so that I am really prepared to start a doctoral program next year.  The other, more powerful part of me, senses that after spending the last 7 of 8 years in university, I am about to embark on another 4 years - I need a little break.  I liken it to those weeks of summers growing up where there were no activities planned, your parents were working and you just had to amuse yourself - it was like recess all day long!

That's not to say that I'm completely wasting my time.  I'm still playing some piano, though the practicing has lessened.  I'm still learning the Scriabin piece as well as a Shostakovich Prelude and Fugue in B-Minor.  There are actually a lot of pianists at my office job, so it's fun to talk about piano rep and that kind of piano-nerd stuff.  

 

Diabetes control is pretty damn good.

I've been extra good about writing all the details of my infusion sets in my calendar book so that I keep a good record and can track patterns.  I've actually found more spots on my arm than I would ever have thought - half of them have had some trouble with pooling the insulin before absorption, but I am fine with using my insulin pen to avoid the BG jump.  I will use one more arm site and then I'll move to my lower back.

The life of an infusion set

Funding for insulin pump supplies is based on the perfect world assumption that an infusion set will last for 3 days, which is also the longest that one is recommended to wear a single infusion set.

I wish mine were lasting for that length.  So far, I have gotten an average of 2 days out of the first two sets.  After the 48 hour mark on my first Silhouette set, I had elevated sugars which would not come down.  I switched the set and it was better.  I remember moving in my sleep last night - I shifted to sleep on my right side, but that cause some discomfort on my right arm, where Silhouette #2 was placed.  When I woke up, there was no discomfort, but also no absorption - it had dislodged sometime during the night and my sugars were yucky in the morning.  That was just a few hours ago and I still feel like shit getting rid of ketones and waiting for my sugars to come down to a comfy level.  I'm about to take a shower and then I'll put in a new Quick Set in the front of my arm.  It's one of my few more muscular areas, but there's still some extra fat there...

Let's see how it goes!

Things are looking up!

The weather is beautiful and downtown is bustling with people!

I picked up my personal copy of my thesis today.  It looks so professional and perfectly bound and all that.  I am very happy with it.  Oh yes, did I mention I got it bound in orange!?!? I LOVE IT!

I'm sure you noticed, but I was getting very upset with my pump and infusion sets.  I actually called the pump companies tech support line; I was at the end of my rope and if they didn't have a good solution for me, I was ready to go out and buy a bottle of Lantus right after the phone call.

I didn't get either, really, but I got a supportive dose of reality and a wonderfully friendly voice at the other end of the line. 

I had asked my nurses and doctors what the problem was with things, but they had no answers.  One nurse said she'd look into it, but I never heard back. [I'm not impressed with Ontario's Health Care, yet again.]  When I explained my symptoms to the tech support nurse, she definitively told me that I must be shooting into scar tissue.  She was patient with me and explained it over and over again until I understood and let down my stubbornness enough to accept it.

She explained: the reason the new sites don't work is because the insulin doesn't work in that area and it take a while for it to pool enough to spill over into a new area that accepts the insulin; steel needles vs canulas will not make a difference; site rotation needs to be my main concern.  She suggested a plan that will maximize the time that areas of my body will have to heal before being injected into again.  

Rather than going back and forth between left and right like I have, stick with one side of the body for a month and a half - if I can find about 15 different spots (at least 2 inches apart from each other) on each side of my body, then it will take a month and half to make it through each side, working logically like top to bottom.  By the time I go through the other side of my body, each site will have had 3 months since it was last punctured-more than enough time to heal.

Her logic was impeccable and that is the best way to appeal to me.  She pointed out that this is not an immediate solution; it will take a while to get into this and it won't cure previous scar tissue, but it will minimize the appearance of new scar tissue and work out for the best in the long run.

She said she would send me some samples, encouraging me to go back to the newer canula infusion sets.  I was overjoyed the next morning to realize that she had sent me 30 sets... that's 3 months worth!!  Now I'm in it for the long haul again.  I will stick it out for another 3 months from now and see if things are any better.

Of course, I will update as we go along!

I feel like I've been doing nothing with my summer so far.

I'm working so at least I'm making money, but I can't get motivated to do any writing - the story of my life!

The Scriabin piano piece I'm learning is coming along quite well.  I haven't spent too much time on it, but I only have 3 more pages (of 10) to learn before I've learned the whole thing.  It's intended to be a quick study, so I won't spend time memorizing it, but I think I'll record it so I can listen and see what needs improvement.  

I feel that I'm close to finishing with this piece, I don't intend to spend more than a month on any piece this summer, hopefully less so that I can learn a fair number of pieces.

I'm starting to wonder what my next piece will be.  Perhaps I will learn some Kurtag - I love him and there are lots of miniatures which would be fun to learn.  I played a selection of miniatures in undergrad, but I did a major research paper on him in my first year of grad school so it would be great to play some more with a broader knowledge of how he composes.

I'm on my second Sure-T infusion set.  So far, I've had two situations where my sugars were super-duper high - the infusion set is a suspect, but I'm not sure yet.  I will change the site today and find out if I am actually having the same problems as before.  

On the positive side, the Sure-T is incredibly comfortable!  I don't like the fact that there are two adhesive patches, because that's more bandaid-ish pain when I remove it, but other than that, it's fine.

It's actually just as comfortable as some of the canula ones I first wore.  

Anyway, I will keep you all updated on how they continue to work.

Yesterday I started on a new infusion set - the Sure-T.

I love it much more than the Polyfin already.  The Sure-T has it's own adhesive patches and the release mechanism is one-hand-manageable - it's actually the same type as the Silhouette which I used earlier.

I was running high through most of my shift at work last night, the timing says it could have been the new site, but it also could have been underestimating the amount of jujubes I was eating.... Oh so irresistible!

Eventually they came down.  The time it took to come down was eerily similar to the problem I was having before with the cannula ones.  I had no problems with the bent steel needle Polyfin ones, so I'm hoping that I will have a clean run with these ones too.

Physically, I love this new set much more than the other one:

-integrated adhesive patches means I don't need to use bandaids anymore

-the tubing is MUCH shorter and is the perfect length to just sit in my pocket, or be clipped onto the top of the pocket.  The previous set had a really really long tubing set- 43 inches compared to the current which is less than 24 inches.  

It's been a slow week for blog-worthy news.

Switching to the steel needles has been good and bad:

The sugars have been more stable.  Changing the sites has had NO effect on sugars or absorption.  There was one site change that didn't take, but one out of twenty is not bad odds!

My stomach, however is not looking so hot.  I've been bad at remembering exactly when I last changed the site.  If I get too close to the 2 day mark, or over that, the site gets really inflamed.  Because I need to change the site so often, and I can only use my stomach due to needing 2 hands to disconnect, my stomach looks a little like a battle zone.

I ordered a different type of steel needle infusion set - I am expecting them in the mail tomorrow.  Hopefully, they will be manageable with one hand so that I can use my arms and lower back again.

I am actually starting to evaluate the insulin pump's presence in my life.  I honestly don't know how I feel about it yet. 

I HATE HATE HATE having it connected to me.  I thought that I would get used to having it at my side, but it drives me insane.  I can't even fully describe how it makes me feel; words aren't enough.  

Ok, I do know how I feel.  I hate the insulin pump and I want to rip it off of me and out of my stomach and throw it out of the window.  Fuck all these diabetics who talk about the freedom that they get from the pump.  Freedom is being able to take ONE Needle a day and know that even though your sugars won't be perfectly stable, you can survive for 24 hours without eating or bolusing.  The insulin isn't just a piece of technology that is attached to you, it is a manifestation of how diabetes takes up every waking moment of your life.

Ignorance was bliss.

Before the pump, things were going fine.  There was room for improvement, but I was doing well.  Now, this type-A diabetic personality has been introduced into my life - the people who are finiky about every moment of their day and their sugars.  I do not do well with that lifestyle, so the pump makes me aware of how delinquent I am as a diabetic.  

I've grown accustomed to the ability to lower my basal rate for exercise and other forms of strenuous activity.

Long story short, I will not switch off the pump just yet...

Why?

Spite and Money!

It was too much effort to reach this point, that I'm going to make it worth my while.

I have no coverage anymore, so I really just can't afford to go back to my old insulin.

But also, mostly spite.

In conclusion, I hate being diabetic these days.

Back to Piano

I've wasted the last few days away completely.

Other than starting back at my job, I've not done anything productive.  I need to start thinking about what I want to do with my summer.

I printed out, and have started learning Scriabin's Vers la flamme, a piano piece.  It will be both musically and technically challenging, but not overly so.  It's been a while since I've actually LEARNED something properly.  I want this to be the starting point of my summer piano adventure - learning post-romantic repertoire to a near-performance level, but not memorized.  The idea is that I want to play more when I'm in Vancouver, collaborative and solo-ish stuff, so I need to get my chops back.  While I still enjoy baroque and classical stuff, I need to focus on modern/20th century music, techniques, and style.

In addition to piano, I will write lots of music this summer.  Some projects are:

-Soprano/Mezzo duet for two wonderful London singers

-Bassoon/Tenor duet: I need to verify with the bassoonist and singer, but I got a really exciting idea which I would love to pursue - the bassoonist had mentioned that she would love a piece written for her, and I think this piece would be great for her.

-Piano Solo anything.  This is a medium for which I have not written enough, barely any actually... There are some techniques I've touched on in my concerto and some songs, and I'd love the chance to develop those a little further in the solo medium.

-The Song Cycle that I put aside a while ago... I want to do it, but I have a feeling this is officially a long, long-term project.

Je l'ai tout fini!

After all of the hold-ups in the process, I finally had the meeting yesterday with the thesis coordinator.  It went swimmingly - I was in and out in about 5 minutes.

The day involved lots of walking around and errands, but the moral is that I got everything done and my thesis was officially submitted.  I'm not sure about the process, but I think that officially makes me a master, but maybe I have to wait until I get the diploma - who knows?!?

I'm back at my summer job from last year - lots of people are back, so it's good times!

I'm not very happy with Canada Post right now.

I had revisions to make on my thesis before my adviser could sign my Certificate of Examination.  Because he had to head back to Toronto right away, I was to send a PDF of the revisions and then he'd Xpresspost it to the school.  That was all done on Friday, so it should have arrived on Monday.  I called this morning to check that it had arrived, and it hadn't.

I had an appointment for 1pm today, in 20 minutes for my meeting to submit, but I can't have that meeting without the form.

I cancelled and rebooked for tomorrow.  There were only 3 fifteen-minute slots left.  Thursday is the absolute deadline, so if things don't go smoothly tomorrow, I will be very unhappy and very stressed.

I start training for the new telemarketing campaign today at 2pm.  I would have been late with the other meeting, but now I'll be on time - at least there's one thing on the up-side...

I passed my thesis examination/defense.  As usually is the case, there are some minor revisions that I've needed to make.  I'm almost finished them and I will be submitting it at the beginning of next week.

Just as I knew it would, this month has just flown away.  It really does seem like just yesterday that I was writing about how it would seem like a blink of the eye before the performance and the accompaniment work would be over.

I will also be starting back at my telemarketing job next week.  I don't really have any plans for the summer.  I want to move to Vancouver earlier than September, but I don't know exactly when.  It's expensive, so I sure can't pay rent in both London and Vancouver, but we'll see what happens.  I already have a roommate lined up, so I'll have to talk to her about when she wants to look for a place.

http://www.myspace.com/mikeyjpark

I just uploaded my thesis onto my myspace website so it's available for listening!

CLICK HERE to listen, it will load and start playing automatically.

While you're there, you can listen to the other pieces that have been there for a while already.

Lots to blog about!

There is a lot going on these days, so I'll address different points of interest as we go.

Today I will blog about diabetes related things.

I've been working 9-5 ish days with a lunch break, early to bed and early to rise lately.  I hate it, but my diabetes doesn't mind.  The thing I've realized about diabetes and life in general is that regularity is key!  I never practice this, but I realize the benefits when they fleetingly touch my life.

The other reason my sugars have been good recently is that I have switched to steel needles rathe than canulas.  My body has a love/hate relationship with this new phenomenon:

-They work! And right away, too!  This has effectively solved the problem I was having with the canulas not working for hours after they were inserted.  I'm thinking that all along this has been a problem with the end of the previous one's life rather than the new infusion set, but I'm not sure.  Eitherway, I can't afford to change the canulas more often than every three days, so that option is out as long as I'm in Ontario.  Here's the math:

-the Assistive Devices Program pays about 200 dollars a month.

-Canula insertion sets cost just under 200$ for 10 of them.  I can afford this only if I use them for the max of 3 days each

-The current one (Polyfin Quick Release) is much cheaper; you can get about 20 of them for less than the other type.  This means I can afford to change them as often as every 1.5 days, though I can wear them for 2 days.

The downside to the steel needles is:

-not as comfy

-they don't come with adhesives (I've been creative with bandaids)  This is actually a positive as well because the adhesive removal doesn't hurt as much, but it's not as stable, so again with the comfort...

- disconnecting the pump is trickier, which means it is not at all easy to do with only one hand.  I'm resourceful and made it work ish(see below) for a few days, but I'm not hopping on the bandwagon to use my arm sight again...

-changing sites more often causes more skin area to be used, meaning more likeliness of scar tissue.

So far, the needles have caused some situations to arise...

Story 1) New underwear is a wonderful thing; if I have my way, I would only wear brand-new underwear and socks forever and just throw the old stuff out.  Unfortunately I can't afford that yet.  Anyway, I got new underwear the other week - 3 pairs and I was working them into my wardrobe slowly.  They are wonderful.  The third and final pair was a beautiful pair of white underwear - so pristine and clean and crisp... I felt like a king just putting them on!

Note to self - do not wear brand new white underwear on a day when you have a steel infusion set in your left outer thigh which proceeds to gush blood at some point that day, unbeknownst to me until I check to see why my thigh is somewhat sore.

SO MUCH BLOOD

SO MUCH RED

SO little white

So Sad

Story B) As mentioned above, the new disconnect feature is a two-handed job.   I learned this moments AFTER I had inserted the needle and needed to connect the pump...  I was a little pressed for time, so my roommate who is extremely squeamish had to help me.  I covered any needle-ish parts up and made sure only the tubing bits were visible... STILL he could barely look.  I just don't get how people can be so bothered by medical things.  It's not like I was bleeding or anything.

Anyway, the next morning, I found a way of disconnecting myself by wedging my arm against my dresser so it held the one end stable enough-ish(see below) to disconnect and reconnect it.

Fast forward an hour.  I was on the 401, driving to Waterloo for my first day of Exams.  All was well, I bought my Timmy's Ice Cap and I was enjoying it as I drove.  I had boulsed a few minutes earlier and all was well in the world.

"Bzzz Bzzz" (vibrating), says the pump

"No delivery", says the pump

"Disregard, resume", Michael presses the buttons

"Bzzz Bzzz" (vibrating), says the pump

"No delivery", says the pump

"Fuck you!", says Michael

Driving 120 Kph on the 401 and realizing that I had multiple layers of clothing between myself and the infusion site.  This was not good.

Conveniently, the 401 has emergency stopping areas, right when I needed them. I drove by the first set, hoping that things would magically be fixed, they weren't.

I stopped, I took off my jacket, my shirt, and my undershirt.

I looked and saw that I had not fully connected the tubing... Silly Michael.

Where was my dresser?!?

The steering wheel helped me out in my hour of need, but it was tough and it took a lot of fandangling.

Moral - these sets are not a 1-handed set!

Other moral; I'm tired!

I'm going to bed right away.

It feels so early, but I have to wake up tomorrow morning so SUPER early.  I need to drive to Waterloo and start working for 9am.  I need to be there half an hour early and it takes an hour and a half to get there, that means I need to leave at 7am.  That means that I need to wake up at ...yuck!

I practiced a lot over the last few days, so I should be ready to play the exams.  I still feel a nervous and unprepared, but I know that things will be fine!

I'm staying at my uncle's tomorrow night in Cambridge- it is considerably closer to Waterloo, so I will save at least an hour of driving time by staying there.

I'm worried about my ability to navigate using the google map while driving.  I've only been through Waterloo on the bus, so this will be new and I'm limited to whatever google tells me to do.  I hope I don't miss an exit or make a wrong turn...

Well, my family has headed back to Manitoba.  It was great to have them all here to visit, but it is nice to have my own space back.

It's now just a few days before I start playing for dance exams in Waterloo.  The day after those finish is my thesis defense.  The rest of this month is going to just fly by!

I'm excited to have a rented car for the next week.

I am not excited that I will be having to wake up so early for the next week, but it is work and I think it will be at least mildly enjoyable!

So much to tell!

This has been such a busy week, and it's only been a few days since I last posted.

Family is still here and it's wonderful!  We've been eating out way too often for our own good, but oh well.  My dad had made an agenda, but we've barely done any of the stuff on there.  It has nevertheless, been a very family-heavy week.  I've discovered that my couch is much more comfortable than an old camping air mattress.

Thesis Performance - come and gone.  I was stressed to have been part of the performance process, other than attending rehearsals as the composer.  Things were not quite coming together as I hoped they would leading up to the fateful day.  The day of the performance, we had our last dress rehearsal and it was just plain not good enough.  I wasn't sure what to do.  I took some time to myself and convinced myself that I needed to do my best and be positive no matter what.  I did an interview with Rogers TV and I felt great.  Somehow, the performance came together and it felt great and went spectacularly.

 I watched the DVD today.  I didn't want to, but the family did and there were people that weren't there for the performance.  I should have left the room.  I was so self conscious.  My voice sounded so super-gay, and I hate it when people sound super-gay!  The video was also focused in on me the entire time, and I hate watching myself.  Watching the DVD so soon after was possible one of the most horrendous experiences of my life.

When I got home from celebrating the thesis being performed, I had an email from UBC in my inbox.  Long story short - it was an offer I couldn't refuse; I have, since then, accepted it.

Next year, I will be living in Vancouver, working on my Doctorate.  Without going into details, let's just say that I will not have to worry about finances anywhere near as much as I have in the past.

I still haven't heard from the DAAD people, but I have already made my decision.  It feels good to know what my future holds.

Ok, family is here for a few days more so I will make the most of it!

Goodnight.

Excitement

My parents and sister are in town and things are good.

I went with my parents this morning to the tourism centre.  As they were learning the excitement of London, I was excited to read the London Free Press and discover that my program cohort was featured in an article, and that I was also mentioned in it!

If you want to see the article go here.

They also contacted my pianist, mentioned in the article, so hopefully they got some more information from her today so that they can print another article tomorrow.

Most importantly, I'm hoping that the concert will be reviewed and that we will have good press!

Nevertheless, I'm very excited to see that we're getting advertising for the concert, and it's always nice to see one's name in print!

I'll admit, I'm nervous because I'm now part of the performance, as narrator!  The rehearsal today was a bit stressful, but it will be phenomenal tomorrow!

YAY!

I don't quite understand...

Now that I've finished the thesis, it feels like I'm the busiest I've been all year.

I've been cleaning all weekend.  My roommate was showing the place for next year, we had a birthday party for a friend, and my parents are arriving for the week on Monday.

I've been learning dance music all week.  I have literally hundreds of pages of music that I will need to play rather well for the Royal Academy of Dance exams starting on the 15th.

I've been sending lots of emails back and forth for many reasons, outlined below:

The performance of my thesis is now going to involve me.  In order to  get the strongest performance, we've split the solo part into separate pianist and narrators.  Because it's so close to the performance, I'm pretty much the only one who knows the text well enough to pull off a performance.

I'm trying to decide on what to do next year.  I'm still waiting to hear back from one institution; I cannot make a decision before I hear from them.

I need to decide what to do this summer.  I've been offered a job as a summer camp counsellor specializing in Musical Theatre.  I'm not sure if I want to take it or not:

-the decision will be influenced by what I'm doing next year

-pros = upstate New York in the Adirondack mountains would be gorgeous, I would be able to make a difference in the lives of children

-cons = the schedule leaves little to no time to myself, so I would get NO writing done, the pay is not as good as I had hoped

At the moment, I'm leaning against doing it.  I'm thinking of spending the last month or two in Winnipeg.  I need to decide quickly so I can start looking for summer work in Winnipeg if that is what I decide.

I'm leaning more and more strongly the more I think about it.

I'll likely be moving semi-permanently so I want some time this summer to spend with friends and family.

I just realized how hectic this month is going to be.  

Family is in town from April 6-13th.

By April 15th, I have to have decided where I will be going next year.

April 16-21st I'm playing dance exams in Waterloo - that means I'm driving there daily for 8:30 or 9am.

During that time, I still have to play regular dance classes in London.

I defend my thesis on April 22'nd.

Another set of dance exams on April 23'rd in London.

I'm supposed to know by now if I've been accepted to some programs, but I'm still waiting for the word.  I need the full picture so I can make my decision.  Here's hoping that I won't have to wait much longer.

I printed out my thesis.

It's full edited and I'm ready to hand it in, barring any changes that come about during the rehearsal tomorrow.

Rather than sleeping tonight, I updated my website with some pictures that we took this weekend as promotional shots for the Master's Thesis concert next week.

Do check it out, I think it looks much better than it did before:

http://www.michael-park.com

I'm really in the final stages of my thesis.

Tuesday is the first rehearsal with piano and orchestra.  That morning, I am meeting with the pianist for a play through where I will once again attempt to play the important orchestra parts...

I need to learn how to score read efficiently.

I have to submit copies of my thesis for review on Wednesday and I can't really make any changes after that - only if the panel tells me I need to change things in order to pass.

I'm over halfway through editing now, so I'll hopefully finish that today.  I also need to write program notes and all that fun.

The other day I filed my taxes.  I'm getting back much more than I had expected!  More importantly, I incorporated this year, filing as a sole proprietor.  It's an important professional step that I needed to take, and it allowed me to claim my computer and last summer's improv workshop.  Therefore, my 'corporation' spent far more than it earned last year, but it's ok to start off in the red! haha!

It's hard to believe that my parents will be here in a week tomorrow...    even harder to believe that my thesis performance is in only 10 days now!

With that in mind, I need to get back to work.

Oh, while my mind is wandering,  I have no idea what I will blog about once my thesis is done...

I'm open to suggestions!

Sleep pattern = getting later and later...  Staying up late to work on the thesis was one thing, but now that I don't have things to wake up for in the morning, the late nights are just counterproductive.

For this last week, I've been trying to do my overnight fasts.  I've gotten only one or two nights with useable info.   Nevertheless, the overnights I've gotten have shown that things are safe and comfortable.

Ways to screw up an overnight fast:

-having a low before bed

-drinking alcohol

-exercising close to bed

-forgetting to not eat for 4 hours before bed

-changing the infusion set within 9 hours of bed...(my infusion sites tend not to work for 5 hours, so then I have to wait for the insulin to be out of my system after correcting)

There are just too many ways to ruin it.  I need to buckle down and just do it for a few nights in a row this week.  The next one I need to do is my late afternoon/evening one.  With some of the numbers I've been getting, the basal rate is either way too high or way too low.

Also, the way my sugars are behaving with some of my meals, rather than fixing the insulin for them, I'm thinking of just swearing off french fries for good.

I NEED to get my basals confirmed by fasting soon.  I'm starting to second guess all of my carb-counting, even though I know that's not likely the culprit.  Anyway, if I can't do a fast tonight, I will do an evening fast tomorrow.  Breakfast and then a big lunch and then I'll just not eat for as long as I can...YAY!

Parts and cues are killing me.  They've taken the entire weekend.  I'm close to finished now and I feel confident that they are largely error-free, though nothing is certain.

The fluorescent light in my bathroom is on the way out, so it flickers for a while before turning on.  Tonight it flickered for about 20-30 seconds and I pondered as I tinkled:

"...what if the light goes out and I can't see and I end up tinkling all over the floor..."

"...uh oh, smells like burnt toast!  siezure seizure!"

Anyway, I hand in the parts tomorrow.  That will be the second of the big three deadlines, the next being on April 1'st.  The only thing after that is the defense.

Also, I just realized that the rehearsals of my piece start next week....!

Also, I hadn't had diet coke in the house for a while cause I ran out of money, but I bought some tonight and it is delicious and caffeiney!  I had missed the wonderful caffeination!

I'm getting fed up with shitty bartenders.

1) It's damn near impossible to get a decent Vodka Paralyzer anywhere in London, Ontario - actually I haven't had a good one anywhere in Ontario.

B) Last night it was a few friends' joint birthday celebration so I ordered them each on of my favourite drinks - a Godfather!  I was firstly disappointed that the waiter had to ask me what was in it, but I told him and assumed that he'd have no problem making this very simplistic drink.  Boy was I wrong.  When I got back from the bathroom, the drinks were sitting in front of me... three shot glasses! YUCK!  How horrible.  I didn't have the patience to ask him to bring glasses with ice, plus at this point in the evening, they just wanted to get the liquor into them so they likely wouldn't have appreciated the drink anyway.  Nevertheless, what the hell?

No bar should ever attempt to run without a standard cocktail recipe book to give them the ingredients, suitable glassware and garnish.

So, after a pretty bland paralyzer and a disrespected godfather, I decided that I should have a glass of wine.  I've been in Ontario for a while now and I felt bad that I'd never tried a local wine... Now I know why I was right.  It was a shitty Cab-Sauvignon and I resent having bought it.  They also used the same wine glasses for both red and white wines, so that should have been a hint that they are a terrible bar, but oh well.

Phooey!

Go here.

It's been a while since I've knit anything, but now I'm back at it.  I also knit another one besides the one up for auction.  I'll probably put it up for auction as well -  it's a little more seductive than the first.

I'm starting to do my taxes, but I'm missing one of my T4 slips.  Other than that, I have all the other information.

I had a meeting with another pump nurse the other day.  Long story short - she says things aren't good enough and wants to start fresh.  I told her I didn't feel comfortable with the process we went through the first time, so I want to try doing fasts to set basal rates rather than messing around with guess-work.  She is willing to help me with it, so that's what I will be doing over the next while.  I'm starting with overnight testing which doesn't involve any extra fasting because you don't eat while you sleep.

The problem with doing an 8 hour fast is that it can only start once the food and insulin is completely out of your system, ie 4 hours later...   This means that I should be fasting for the first 4 hours of my waking life as well, rather than just the 8 hours of sleeping.  I'm not a big breakfast person anyway, so it shouldn't be too difficult.  The other problem is that my sugar has to be stable before going to bed, meaning I can't eat or take insulin for 4 hours before going to bed.  oy!

J'ai fini!

Tonight, I finished my thesis!

It was hard to decide that I was finished; I could have decided to stay up all night making changes and adjustments, but I am not going to do that.

Tomorrow, I will enlarge the score for the conductor and pianist.

I also accompany a singer's audition in the early afternoon.  I managed to fit learning the music in this weekend, somehow!  It's been refreshing to be actually learning music at the piano.  With that said, I will also be learning music like a mad man in the coming month for the RAD exams.

Anyway, I'm off to bed!

Last night just after 4am, I finished my first full round of edits on my thesis including:

-adding dynamics

-fixing notation that was confusing

-lots of formatting

-adding a new layer to my second movement (now it's complete)

mumbly mumbly, what's the point of putting more detail down? nobody reads this blog anymore and even the ones who ever did, didn't care about the mind numbing details.

The point is that I am very close to a point at which I can hand the piece over to the conductor.  I still plan to do more editing to make it even better today, but it's pretty much finished!

Even less than a week ago, I would have thought that I would be working right up until the last minute trying to finish the piece, possibly leaving integral things undone, and not being able to pay attention to the fine details.  In reality, I will be working up until the last minute with fine adjustments.

 I am really happy with the first, second and fourth movements.  My goal for today is to perfect the third movement.  It currently makes musical sense and it's not bad, but it just doesn't flow the way I imagined it.  Whatever it needs to be finished has eluded me for the last little while, so I'm going to hope for some inspiration to hit me today.

Ok, back to work!

  I met today with my second reader [When writing a thesis, you have an adviser who you work closely with throughout and then a second reader who helps to bring a fresh perspective near the end].  I was actually having doubts about what I would get out of our meeting because he is not a composer.  Boy, was I wrong!

  I've been kinda down lately - stress is affecting so many areas of my life: I feel like I could just sleep all the time, my sugars are out of whack, moodiness and so on.  Someone sent me a hug emoticon yesterday and it made me so sad, because I thought about it, and I don't really have many hug friends here in London, I guess they're just not huggers.  Just thinking about it made me feel sad and lonely.

Today was the turn-around that I needed.  My meeting with the second reader went better than I could have imagined.  Every bit of feedback he gave was so insightful and helpful.  It felt like he was actually spending time on me - our meeting was just shy of an hour and a half!    We basically just walked through the piece and he asked good questions and I explained things as we went along.  During the process, he was very open minded, yet critical.  After we finished, he exclaimed that this was going to really good, then corrected himself to say that it is going to be a 'great piece'!  A few times during the process, while playing some of the things, he made noises of enjoyment and called a few of them 'awesome chords' haha!

  (I'll be honest, I haven't been getting much feedback lately, and so much of the piece has developed since I last got feedback that I was worried about how it would be received, so this was wonderful news)

   Afterwards, I went to the library, hoping to run into someone I knew, and I did - a friend I hadn't seen in a while because we're both so busy.  We checked emails beside each other and chitchatted a bit.  As I said good bye and started turning to leave, I noticed that she was doing something with her arms and torso... 

she was putting arms out for a hug

It was exactly what I needed and it totally made a perfectly awesome day even better!

Wow, time is just flying by.  It really felt like I just blogged yesterday, but it was almost three days ago, well at least over two.

I am SO close to having finished my thesis.  Movements 1 and 4 are COMPLETELY finished and just needing editing and some tweaking, but I would be comfortable if they were performed as they currently exist.

Movement 2 is structurally finished, but it is missing something.  It has a beginning, middle, and end, but it needs that magical thing that leads a path through all of that.

Movement 3 is getting quite close.  There are 2 'paths' that need to be finished.  I know the route and direction of those paths, but I still have to flesh them out - which is more finikky work than I had imagined.

It's frustrating that I know I am so close to being finished, but it still feels so far away.  I am giving myself the deadline of tomorrow evening to get these 'paths' finished.  Then everything will be 'structurally' finished and I can focus on editing and tying up the loose ends.  By that, I mean I need to do dynamics for lots lots lots of it...

Tomorrow, I am meeting with my pianist.  She has had the score for enough time that she will have some feedback, questions, critiques and whatever else.  Hopefully, she will be able to play even parts of sections so that I can coach and make sure things are on track.  I am excited for this, and I'm hoping it will be a good experience!

The next day, I am meeting with my second reader who will also be able to give me some helpful feedback.  He is not a composer, rather a pianist with a specialty in contemporary repertoire.  I don't know what to expect, but all of my conversations with him have been really thought provoking, so I know it will be a good experience.

The photo shoot wasn't exactly what I was expecting, but I didn't know what to expect.  Anyway, I didn't get to see any of the proofs before I left, and since the studio was doing so many photos (staff AND all the performance troupes) they just pick the best one from each set, so I won't get a choice.  I really wasn't feeling that photogenic today when I woke up with two little zits.  Goddam! What, am I in high school again?!?  Oh no, in high school it was much worse, haha!  Anyway, I was in and out within a few minutes, but I stuck around and gabbed a bit and ate a banana chocolate chip muffin that one of the moms baked.  Likely, it won't have been worth my time, but I'll wait until I see the delightful fluffy-cloud background.  That's right, they had a fluffy-cloud and blue-sky background...

I wore in my new wine glasses this weekend.  I wasn't drinking completely alone, so the Little Penguin Shiraz is now gone and the Pinot Noir is well on it's way.

I had been doing SO well with productivity, but this weekend I got a visit from my old friend... unavoidable procrastination!  I've felt so guilty, which makes it even worse.

As it stands, my goal to have the concerto structurally complete tonight is not going to happen.  I've been making some key decisions, so I know what I need to do, but it has been like pulling teeth to get any of it down on the computer.

I had the oddest dream last night, or this morning.. it was right before waking up:

details are fuzzy, but it was the day I had to submit to the conductor and I still wasn't done.  I was at Unicity Mall (a mall from my childhood) as it existed when I was still in middle/elementary school.  I don't remember much else, but I know Dolly Pardon was there and she kindly declined my pleading for her to drive me to the school so I could submit on time...

Ya - that makes no sense, but oh well - that's a dream for you!

Nevertheless, Dolly and I must have been talking about the piece because when I woke up, I went straight to the computer and made the edits that Dolly and I had apparently talked about.

Even in my sleep, there is no escaping this thesis.

I talked to my sister on the phone today, after she drunk dialed me last night at about 1 am.  It was wonderful, she showed a keen interest in what I am working on and we actually had an intelligent conversation about it.  I taught her a lot about the orchestra and how composers can begin to combine the instruments thereof to make different sound qualities.  While other people in my family have tried to be interested, they've lacked the necessary knowledge-base to even begin explaining some of the things I've been working on.

Ok, now for a productive rest of the evening!

Wine-o

Things are much better in life than my rantiness would have led you to believe last post.  I made it to the LCBO on Friday afternoon.  The weather was absolutely beautiful - over 15 above whereas it was below zero the previous days.  It was a big day for buying things of varying excitingness. 

I bought:

Toilet paper

Gillette Clinical Strength Antiperspirant

A pair of stemless Riedel wine glasses, specially designed for Shiraz/Syrah.

A bottle of Amaretto

A bottle of my favourite Portuguese wine - A Bairrada made by Allianca

A bottle of the standard Little Penguin Shiraz

A bottle of Pinot Noir by Cono Sur

In conclusion, I spent a fair chunk of money.  I tried on pants, but decided against it.

I was informed today that my work, the ballet studio, is having staff head shots taken tomorrow.  My boss said I would be able to use the headshot for my own use as well as just for the studio- so hopefully I will get a digital copy so I can use it online and whatnot.

I came home and played dress-up a little bit and I found the perfect combination, until I change my mind tomorrow morning heading out the door.   I'm opting for a shirt and jacket, no tie and with the top button undone - I don't want it to be too formal or informal.

Grrr, Mumbly!

Why does this motherfucking town of London, Ontario suck so much!?!?! GAH! ANGER!

6 freaking pm - why does everything need to close?!?

I suppose I could have gone in the afternoon, but I didn't want to.  Who would think that the liquor store AND the pharmacy would be closed when the sun hasn't even gone down yet!!

WHat if I had an evening of drinking and debauchery planned tonight? I would end up ashamed, sober, and ridden with syphilis and crabs!

Alas, my life is not so exciting as to have such plans.

Nevertheless, I am quite disappointed.  I even rifled through the closet to find the special liquor-bottle bag which is built extra strong for carrying multiple bottles of wines and spirits.

Instead of drinking and debauchery, I was planning on stocking up on wine and getting new deodorant, but those plans have been kaiboshed!

This morning, after teaching, I bought groceries and then made bruschetta when I got home.  I bought a single bulb of garlic and I was shocked at how cheap it was - only 10 cents!  That means that I only spent 2 cents to have fresh garlic in my bruschetta.

I had dinner tonight with my academic counterpart - the other MMus Composition student.  We bonded over the amount of work left to do on our theses and enjoyed some high-class mexican food.

Earlier today, I read an email from a former academic counterpart who is doing her MMus in Composition at my home university in Manitoba.  I feel much less overwhelmed by the work I have to do because she has so much more to do.  I'm jealous of how much she's gotten to write, but I'm glad I'm not currently in her shoes.

I handed over the score to my pianist today.  I gave her a quick walk-through and demonstration of some of the stuff in the new movements.  In previous experiences, I've learned that being stressed out about something in the presence of the performer is NOT a good idea.  Today I was relaxed and collected and I think it helped.  There is little over a month before the performance, so time is not going to be her friend.  Nevertheless, she is a strong performer and I am confident that she will do my piece justice!

This evening, I've been a little slack - I've done some editing, finished adding the text into the fourth movement and I'm going to head to bed significantly earlier than other days this week.  I don't like being tired when I have to teach at 9:30am, so I won't let that happen tomorrow.

Goodnight!

I'm actually getting to sleep earlier than I thought tonight, at 2 am!

While my thesis doesn't need to be handed in for another  12 days, my pianist needs to start learning it and she can only pick it up tomorrow before 3pm and since I teach tomorrow, that means I need to have it ready before I go to sleep.  

I knew I wouldn't have the whole thing done... obviously, but I wanted to make sure there was enough content for her to learn.

The first and fourth movements are pretty much complete and the hardest and most important parts of the other movements are in good condition for the piano part.  I can't see there being too much new material for her to learn after the final submission, so she can get a really good start now.

In other news, there is still SO much work to do and SO many decisions to be made!

Note to self:

If you play for a ballet class over a period of 6 months and still don't know the names of the students, do not allow them to become aware of this fact.

Reasons:

-Who'da thought... the egos of teenagers are bruised when they discover that you haven't even learned their name, "but I know YOUR name..."

-This gives them many tangents on which to go off and talk about during the class and any hopes at discipline during said class are ruined.

-They all suddenly and loudly tell you their names, expecting that this is the magical day when you will finally figure out their names.

In conclusion,  traditional ballet pianists sit behind the piano and only occasionally draw attention to themselves - they are happy to never be noticed so that they can read their favourite magazines between exercises.  While I've avoided that so far, maybe there is rhyme and reason to that approach...

I guess I should update on what I mentioned the other day:

I was able to be super detailed with carb counting and post-prandials for part of a day a few days ago and the results were inconclusive, however I couldn't focus any longer on it.  I've been consistent and accurate with my carb counting since and I've been having unexplained rises during the late morning.  I'm not sure if this is the dawn phenomena getting stronger or what, so I will fast tomorrow and see what happens.

Or, from my last post, this could be attributable to stress.  For those of you who are diabetics on a pump out there, do you change basals for a period of stress?  It's effected me differently on different days, so I'm a little weary, but I'm thinking I can't let it keep hiking my sugars for much longer.

Mumbly mumbly mumbly GAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm going to try to not swear, cause I typed enough to other people already.

I shouldn't complain because things are going pretty well, but I'm stressed and pissy and gah mumbly!

There is so much work left on my thesis, and I need to get the pianist's copy to her on Wednesday and it won't be anywhere near finished, and it's going to be a race to the finish line to get things finished for the conductor's deadline of the 16'th, but there's no moving that deadline so it's just going to happen.

  It's just pissing me off because I know what I want to happen, and I even have most of the musical material to make it happen, but I'm having major issues making it actually happen.

Calm blue ocean, calm blue ocean!

I need to just stay focused.

I need to stop blogging, this is taking away valuable productivity time!

And with that said, I'm going out for dinner with a friend - yay for counterproductive time use!

That's what I love about procrastination; even though you know it's for the worst and it won't help you whatsoever, it is entirely appealing!

Nevertheless, I will probably accomplish more before dinner than I have over the last few hours!

I've been pretty much married to my computer lately.  The thesis has been coming along quite well.  I'm constantly shifting between moments of feeling that things are moving along on target, then a few minutes later I feel like I'm so far behind and there's just so much work left to do.  I try and ignore both of these feelings, and just take the positive influence they have on me - either reinforcing or scaring me into productivity!

My sugars have been really wonky the last few days.  At first I thought I might need some basal adjustments, but it is a possibility that I've been too lax in my carb counting and calculations.  I'm going to be really organized today and write things down if they continue to go astray so that I can look for patterns.

I did the tally the other day of how much water I drank.

Generally, you're supposed to drink about 8 cups of water a day, as a guideline.

I had about 11 glasses of water, but each of those averaged about 1 and a third cups, so I drank about 14 or 15 cups of water.

I didn't tally the number of times I went tinkle, I'll save that for another day.

[Yes, I do use the work 'tinkle' even though I'm a grown man]

Generally, the pump is working well.  Nevertheless, it changes day to day; I'm assuming that stress causes a huge variation in my insulin needs.  I don't think it's the pump, because my sugars are responding properly, it just takes a lot more insulin, so maybe it's absorption.  For example, the last 2 infusion sets worked as follows:

Infusion set 1 worked great for almost two days, then it seemed like I needed SO much insulin.  I sucked it up for the remaining day and a bit, expecting the next infusion set would set things straight.  The new site didn't fix it, in fact it got a little worse.  After a whole day of sucking, my sugars started to plummet back to the happy place, but I spent the next half day over-treating highs and lows.  I'm hesitant to change basals or even carb ratios because it seems to change at the drop of a hat.

I'm currently basking in my daily 3pm sunshine.  Ok, so it's only been yesterday and today, but all day today was bleak until 3pm - and for this last half hour, it's been delightfully warm on my face.  I generally don't like the light of the sun, but the way I'm facing, I'm not blinded - only warmed by the sunshine!

I finished writing the piano solo, or cadenza of my concerto's third movement and now I'm editing it and adding dynamics.  This is the central and most important material in the movement, so I'm glad to have it finished-ish.

It's not really a cadenza though... I'm starting to re-think whether or not this is even a concerto.  It does feature the opposition of piano (soloist) and orchestra, but 'concerto' is such a loaded term - it might be for the best to change the name, especially thinking ahead to my thesis defense.  

I just had an epiphany :

I spend the majority of my time creating things that largely go unnoticed.

Blogging - I might have a few readers, at most...

Composing - Even if I become successful, the classical music world is quite small.

Even in diabetes, it is such an invisible thing.  The rest of the world can't tell if my sugars are perfect, if they're through the roof, or if they're plummeting.  

This epiphany won't change anything, at least not at the moment.  I will continue to do exactly what I do.  Perhaps when I have more time, I'll put more thought into whether that means that the world can do without the things I do, or whether I need to put more effort into getting them noticed.

Are they even worth being noticed?  Blogging - probably not.  Composing - I would hope so.

Diabetes - I hope it never becomes noticeable.

I guess, today I just feel small.

I think I must have a less than ideal infusion site right now.  It's amazing how the amount of insulin I use daily can change so dramatically.  The other possibility is that I'm not keeping track of my stress eating...  The cookies I bought recently do seem to be disappearing faster than they should.

Ok, I've decided that tomorrow I'm going to try to keep a tally of how many glasses of water I drink and then calculate how many liters that amounts to.  I figure you can't drink too much water, but my bladder and water bill (which we don't actually have to pay) probably wouldn't agree.

Today at work, I had to be far more alert than I normally do to accompany ballet classes.  The reason was that I actually had to TEACH ballet class!  My boss was swamped with paperwork today, so she asked if I would be willing to do some music classes for the last few hours of the work day.  I accepted and the children were stuck with me!

To be honest, I was kind of blind sided; having no prior notice, I had to figure out what to do on the spot.  It wasn't as easy as I thought it would be.....

Think back to when you were 6-10 years old and you had a substitute teacher at school - remember how the entire class was on its 'best behavior'?  I pulled out some of my best disciplinarian tactics, but they were still little devils!

On the plus side - I came up with a really great creative movement exercise:

We talked about High and Low, as well as Fast and Slow pairings and how they existed in both music and dance.  [If you ever want to hear the most delightful noise in the world... simply ask a class of fifteen eight-year-old girls to make a really loud high sound, ie shrieking!]  They really enjoyed this exercise and responded really well to what I was playing for them.  I also added another layer of volume, but there was a little confusion and at that point they were just excited to flail about the room, vaguely listening to the piano....

Anyway, the teaching was fun and I hope to do it again, particularly with some of the older groups - the relationship of dance and music has been my expertise for the last few years and I see that they are missing a few of the key connections with their musicality - something I really want to address.

Productivity has been slowing down.

Bad Michael, Bad!

There was the most delightful argument on the street in front of my apartment a little while ago.  There are about three separate bus stops within a stone's throw and there is an awkward little quasi loading zone in between some of them.  It's not marked 'no parking' or 'loading zone' so you can pretty much do what you desire there.  Many people use it to pick up their Indian Food from the restaurant below me.  Anyway, a bus was within inches of the bumper of the car which I can only assume had quickly stopped in that area.  The bus driver must have been quite angry, having expected to have just pulled up to the spot.  Being that close to the bumper, the bus would have had to have backed up, but I think he expected the car to move for him.  There was honking first and then swearing and yelling and people standing around until the car's driver told off the bus driver and squealed his tires as he pulled away.

I love living downtown!

I went through and deleted about 35 friends from my facebook account.  I kept the people that 1) I like and want to keep in touch with or b) are valuable networking commodities.  It was odd, kind of like I was telling each person I deleted that I didn't like them and that they weren't even worth anything to my career.  There were also some people who I didn't even remember - which isn't completely odd with a memory like mine, but I suppose with nearly 500 'friends', it's hard to keep track of everyone.

Even as I was going through, there were a lot of London, Ontario people who I pre-selected to delete, but not today.  When I leave London, I will clear my list of those people as well!

It's sick that friendship/acquaintanceship can be given such a tangibility in the online world.

In the real world, I would have and indeed HAVE forgotten about many of these people - their disappearance from my consciousness took no effort whatsoever, but online one must turn it into a conscious decision.

I've always been taught to never burn my bridges, so it was actually difficult to set so many fires today, but I think it was worth it.

The thesis is really coming together these days.  I have the feeling that things are falling into place.  I'm not a big fate-person, but I'm getting lots of hints that things are meant to be a certain way.  Either that, or I have way under-credited my subconscious.

Forgive the technicality of what I'm about to write, but hopefully it will be clearish.

Basically the first thing I did with the concerto was to decide on two contrasting pitch groups.  There are 12 pitches in an octave, so 2 groups of 6 were chosen.  At some point before starting the other movements, I decided I needed some kind of large-scale pitch organization; I decided that with 4 movements, there should be 4 equal distances between the movements - therefore (12/4=3) I would transpose the pitch sets up 3 semi-tones with each movement.

Recently, I decided that I wanted to quote a famous piano concerto, and which better than the Tchaikovsky Piano Concerto!  I've been meaning to get the score from the library, but haven't gotten around to it; today I realized that I have a copy on my computer.  The part I want to quote is in D-flat major. 

  The part I want to quote ties into the opening theme of my concerto - while it is not tonal, it fits close enough to an E-major scheme.  The quotation will happen in the fourth movement...

Movement 1 - E Major

Movement 2 - G Major

Movement 3 - B-flat Major

Movement 4 - can you guess...?!?

D-flat Major!  It must be a sign from the gods!

In another way, that feels more directly connected to me, I feel that the material of my concerto is bringing itself together.  I gave myself the challenge of using as few materials as possible for this concerto:

-2 pitch collections, each with a theme attached

-the rhythm and contour of the text and the structure of the poem.

That's basically it - all the musical material in it has been created using only those little seedlings.  I was prepared to and really thought that I was going to need to add things in and create new material left and right, but so far I haven't.  This quotation will be the first 'new' material, and even at that, it fits one of the pitch groups!

Ok, now to do the opposite - dinner, where I will take many many ingredients and turn them into some clump of dinner that tastes rather unexciting!

Toronto fun times.

So far, this has been a great trip to Toronto.

My meeting with my adviser was great and he made the offer that if I get a lot done and want another meeting before heading home, I just need to call.  I haven't written too much since then, but I still have a few days and who knows what productivity I will accomplish.

Friday night I went for drinks with some friends from Winnipeg.  We drank so much and stayed at the pub for so long - it was entirely delightful!  I spent far too much money, but oh well - it was well worth it.

I managed to make it to a piano recital today by the pianist who is playing my concerto.  I didn't think I was going to be able to make it, but I did; it is wonderful when things in life just come together in the right way.

Speaking of performances, there is a show tomorrow night with one of the improv faculty from the program I did last summer.  I plan on meeting a Toronto friend and seeing the show while catching up.

In diabetes-land, I did the new infusion site in my other arm today; it went SO much better.  I would actually say it was a perfect site change.  My sugars were good before, so they didn't skyrocket as soon as I changed and then absorption today has been good.

I bought huge manuscript paper yesterday from the downtown music store.  London doesn't keep the manuscript stacks in stock, so I couldn't physically hold them and compare.  I spent at least 10 minutes looking and comparing the larger types.  I am testing out one of them right now - lots of room on the manuscript paper is great for sketching things.

Metal pokey things don't like me today.

2 separate things that didn't go so well today:

1) I have an endocrinologist appointment next week, so I went to get blood taken today.  The lab tech poked around inside my left arm for a fair while, almost enough to make me mildly queasy, but it didn't bother me.  Eventually she gave up and asked if I had ever had it taken from my hand.  This took me back to the olden days!  Up until I was about 18, they took the blood from the back of my hand with a butterfly needle.  It filled me with warm fuzzies.  But no!  Rather than the back part of my hand where they were always successful, she shot the needle right above my index knuckle - it's dark and a little bit bruisy.

2)I had been wanting to try a new infusion site for a while - the arm!  I couldn't up until now because the tubing seemed just not quite long enough - it could reach from my arm to my pocket, but not if I reached for anything...  In my latest shipment of medical supplies, I got the longer tubing set - not just a bit longer, but nearly twice as long... I'm dangling a fair bit!

Anyway, some things are difficult to do with one hand - clapping, tying shoes, etc.  Well, inserting an infusion set is DEFINITELY one of those things!  It doesn't help that I was using the more difficult of the two infusion sets - with the Silhouette, you can't remove the adhesive backing before using the insertion device like you can with the Quick-set.  If you try, the stickiness gets stuck to the device and that's hard to fix even with both hands!

I got it all set up and the insertion went fine, but then I had trouble removing the set from the device.  Trying to remove it was a terrible mess, I was accidentally moving the needle all around inside my arm...  I got frustrated and pulled it out and reinserted it by hand.  Much better, BUT then I was having trouble taking the adhesive backing off with only one hand - all of this is taking place on the back of my left arm.  The tugging at the set to get the backing off was, once again, not appreciated by my arm.

Long story short, I got it in and stuck!  It is a little tender, but oh well.

My sugars were a little higher than they should have been before putting in the new set, so of course my sugars sky-rocketed after the first bolus...  The sugars are moving down, giving evidence that the insulin IS working, but not as fast or effectively as I would like.  Nevertheless, I have no ketones and I'm comfortable going to bed with it in. 

After all that hassle, I'm damn well not wasting this one until it has proven itself useless!

I'll be leaving EARLY Friday morning to go into Toronto for business and pleasure.  I have a meeting with my thesis adviser and then I will be visiting with wonderful friends for the rest of the weekend.  I'm not sure how long I will be staying - it will depend on how inspiring and invigorating I find Toronto to be this time around.

The thesis is coming along.  I finished some of those ground-work chunks and I've been doing some of the creative stuff the last few days.  It isn't as immediately rewarding as I had hoped, but it is still getting better.

A Formerly Uncommon Occurrence

The following image might be disturbing, but I think it is delightful!

In case you haven't figured it out, these are three of the fingers from my left hand:

index, middle and ring

You may be wondering, 'oh no, why is Mr. Left Middle-Finger bleeding'?

Don't be worried my friends, he bleeds quite a bit, and he doesn't mind one bit. 

Because of diabetes, my fingers have bled quite a bit more than the average persons' fingers.

Multiple times a day, I have to prick one of my fingers with a lancing device so that I can test my blood sugar.  In an ideal world, every diabetic would cycle through both hands - each finger would bleed only once every 10 tests.  It can be even further varied by changing where on the finger to poke - meaning the right side of Mr. Left Middle-Finger would bleed only once every 20 tests!

  I remember a time when I only tested about 5 times a day - that would mean that Mr. Left Middle-Finger only bled once or twice a week!

  Times have changed and Mr. Left Middle-Finger is one of my favourite fingers to prick.  Also, because of the strict regimen I was on the last few months, I was testing upwards of 15 times a day.  Mr. Left Middle-Finger bled a lot.

The scene you see above used to be quite the special event.  With the smallness of the hole that is made, the blood clots very quickly and within a second, it's healed - Halleluja!  Sometimes, however, it's still hurting on the inside.  There are two basic ways of expressing this inner turmoil:

1) Pictured above is the classic double-bleeder.  One drop of blood forms from the new puncture wound, and another forms from a previous puncture.  Because the punctures are quite small, you need to squeeze the blood out - the blood will find any available exits, even ones which were partially closed.

2)The sprayer - Sometimes, the hole is not big enough, or a previous hole only opens a little, but there is still a fair amount of force trying to get the blood out.  The same force coming out of a little exit causes a fine stream of blood to spatter a fair distance.  On occasion, I don't even notice until I find a spattering of blood on my glasses or white dress shirt...

That's all for now.  I hope you enjoyed the picture.  Today has been a special day filled with fun and excitement..  Laundry and sitting around in my pajamas!  

Yesterday I got some good news - the phone meeting I was had with my pump nurse was to be the last.  She said that things were looking good enough that it isn't necessary to continue sending her sugars.  I have a follow-up appointment with her in March, so I get a one-month vacation, which could not come at a better time.  I'll have to remind myself that this is not just a chance to let everything go to shit, but it will be great to take some of the focus away from diabetes and be a little bit more obsessive with my thesis.

My feelings towards the thesis still haven't changed since yesterday - I've finished another task, but haven't had the chance to take that task and apply it.  There are still too many individual tasks that I need to finish.  Today I have no class and no real plans, so I will just write write write and finish a bunch of tasks.  Oh ya, I have to do laundry, which means I'll have to leave the apartment to buy quarters...

Nothing really to report this weekend.

Composition is going slowly - I feel like there is just so much ground work to do before I can really get to the creative work.  Nevertheless, I have a clear understanding of what I want the rest of the piece to be like, so the groundwork is focused and efficient.  

I really wish I could work faster on this groundwork, because it isn't that involved, but I'm having difficulty maintaining focus.  With that said, I'm glad that I'm still getting a fair bit done daily - even while I describe it as less than ideal.  Last year, when I was feeling this unproductive, it was because I was getting NOTHING done.  These are definitely steps in the right direction!

Indeed, my sugars have been MUCH better yesterday and today.  It appeared to have been a bad infusion set, but I refused to change it since I had ended the previous one a day early.

I'm going to spend a little time next weekend in Toronto.  I have a meeting with my thesis adviser, I'll hang out with one of my long-time readers, and there's an on-line, yet real-life pharmacy there that sells insulin pump supplies for a remarkable savings.  What costs $205 through the manufacturer only costs $175, or $150 from this pharmacy.  This will bring my diabetes related costs down to the level at which I'm receiving funding for it, which means I won't be spending as much out-of-pocket money on my health.

All things are looking up these days:

I've been productive with writing.

I bought nasal spray, so my nose is feeling much happier.

With the sugars down, I feel less stressed, even though it is still there.

Yep, that's all I got for now.

I'm not really enjoying life today.

My sugars have been really high the last few days, only coming down for brief periods.  I have no keytones, so it's not like my pump isn't working.  They're coming down as we speak - I just plan on not eating for the next few days so that they won't go up again.... Really, if I could do it, I would.

High sugars really make me angry - unbelievably angry!  I want to punch and kick and cry and scream and Argh!  all at the same time!

Other things that add to this feeling are:

Stress - thank you thesis completion month!

Tension - my jaw hates me right now.  Also, on the bus home tonight, I was seriously contemplating the idea of getting an emergency deep-tissue massage tomorrow, but I don't have the time or money for that.

Speaking of, FUCK! due to a smaller than normal paycheque from the dance studio and not getting paid for the extra TAing I did this last month, I have $2.69 to last me the next month.  Thank goodness (and capitalism) for my credit card.

A piece of mine is being performed at a studio recital this weekend.  I went this evening to hear the dress-rehearsal.  Not surprisingly, it was not terribly well-rehearsed, so they were working on staging it and finding notes.  Oh well!  I'm happy with the concept of what they're doing with it, and I'm sure they'll pull it together for Saturday, because I would really really like this recording to turn out well.  The pianist had another obligation halfway through, so I got to sit in at the piano for the second half.  It went well and it reminded me that I want to get back to playing more and accompanying.

In other news - I have the driest fucking nose imaginable!  I never thought that my nose could cause me so much pain, but WOW!  It's constantly bloody, but dried blood which irritates the inside of my painful little nostrils.  Anyway, I bought a humidifier which I've had running yesterday and today.  I haven't noticed a difference yet though.  I want a difference.  I tried moisturizing the inside of my nostrils with a q-tip and some lotion, but then it feels like I have a constant runny nose and then it's hard to not blow out all the lotion into a kleenex.

Anyway, I hate the world just a bit right now, but it's ok, I don't really.

My life indeed has direction!

Since finishing my applications for grad school, which wasn't that long ago, I've been in a bubble of uncertainty - having no guarantees about what might happen.  As small as it may have been, there was a tiny fear in the back of my head, 'what would I do if I didn't get accepted to any of the programs'?

Today I got an email from the dean of one of the schools to which I applied.  It stated that they've recommended me for acceptance into the Doctoral program.  Basically, it means that I'm in.  This Dean wants to talk to me on the phone to ask a few questions and answer any that I may have.

My initial thoughts:

-super happiness

-I'm not even thinking about making decisions because I want to hear from all the schools, but this gives me that comfort feeling!

-This school's application deadline was yesterday and I got the email today; also, he said that they were 'impressed by [my] music' - how awesome does that make me feel!?!

-Damnit, this has distracted me and I have so much work to do today, tomorrow, and for the next 5 weeks!  Eek!

Happy Friday!

Lots of things today:

-My last day of teaching Sight Singing. It was nice while it lasted, but it's really been eating away at my work time.

-I got my first ADP(Assistive Devices Program) cheque in the mail today.  Being new to the pump, I made some mistakes which meant I needed to change infusion sets more than I will now regularly need to, I've also been testing over 10 times each day... at a dollar a strip, that $300 is not even covered by the ADP, let alone the extra costs of pump supplies.  Long story short, this money is very much needed at this time! 

-I talked to my nurse today and she informed me that I should be correcting my sugars.  This has been a major miscommunication... Apparently the 'don't correct unless you are over 14mmol' thing was only meant to be heeded for the first 2 weeks...  While this information would have made my life a lot more comfortable this last month, I am accepting the news with unbridled happiness!

-We're having a retro potluck this weekend; I am making fruit punch!  Only problem was that I didn't have a ladle, a punch bowl, or enough glasses.  I went to the Bargain Shop today and was happy to get a big plastic bowl for $2.98, a ladle for $1.68.  I was sad that I couldn't find plastic cups, but I was extra delighted to find an 18-piece set of glassware for only $3.74!  I was expecting to get it home and find that 5 of them were broken, but no - perfection!

Ok, Something I didn't make time to bitch about yesterday....

I am justified in bitching, but the bottom line is that my license had actually expired already, once again, that information would have been really helpful and would have saved me money, time and heartache.  Nevertheless, I hadn't checked the exact date it expired, assuming it was the very end of the month.  The only place in London that can do an inter-provincial license exchange is way out, where the sun doesn't shine and the busses don't quite go.  It would have been over a 30-minute walk after a 35-minute bus ride.  I figured it was more efficient to convince a friend of mine to drive me there, with the lure of buying him lunch.

Ok, so the money spent on lunch and the wasted time were my fault, BUT I'm still justified.  

  Even if my license hadn't already expired, I would still be sans-license because of the stupid Manitoba 2-part license crap!  They needed a 2 year clean driving record which could have been shown from a license that was older than 1 year and 11 months - the age of my "New and Unimproved" 2=part Manitoba shit license.  Also, if it were a one-piece license, I would have known exactly when it expired because it would say that instead of having to peel the paper from the plastic.  Anyway, stupid Manitoba licenses!

Out of spite, I don't want to ever have to go back to the London Ontario licensing place, but I'm wondering if I should wait until I am next in Manitoba to renew, or if I should just pay for an abstract and get an Ontario one anyway.

Yuck.  Oh ya, I didn't mention that the Ontario licensing place is completely privatized!  It's not even a government thing; the place was called DriveTest.  On the other hand, it is cheaper in Ontario.... 75$ for 5 years instead of 65 or whatever the price is per year in Manitoba...

I think I'll get an abstract from Manitoba and then when my parents come here for the concert, I'll get them to drive me out there so I can drive while they're here!  Other than that, I don't need to drive.

-Wow, I'm rambling.  Goodbye!

Reading today!

Today was the reading of the first two movements of my Thesis.

All in all, the reading was pretty good and I got some valuable information.  There isn't really anything that I want to throw away or change completely, rather it gives me a good idea of areas that need some fixing, or changing notation so it will be clearer.

Generally, everyone did a really good job of sight reading, though I'll admit that the reading was asking a lot of the piano soloist.  There will be much more time for learning before the actual performance.

At this point, I'm going to make a few notational changes to the first movement, and then I'll be done with it - moving on to the remainder of the piece.  I have now developed a really clear concept of the last movement, so it's a matter of filling it in.

I took a little bit of this evening off completely from thesis work.  I read through some music at the piano: some delightful spanish music by Albeniz, pieces I played years ago (and shouldn't have tortured my roommate by trying to play through them again...), and just some random sight reading.  I also watched my new favourite Canadian television show - Being Erica while knitting.  Oh, I had gone on a quick power walk before that to get my metabolism in gear...  My sugars were sitting way up high in the stratosphere at 18.8 mmol and I had taken insulin to get them down, but I knew sitting around watching t.v. wasn't going to help them come down.  30 minutes later, I was home and tested my sugars at 11.3 mmol!  I've been watching them closely as they will still be coming down for a little while yet.

They call it a rage bolus -when you take way more insulin than you know you need so that the sugars will come down faster.  I used to do this rather recklessly years ago when my diabetes control was much less scientific.  The problem was that it would start dropping so quickly that I'd be super hungry and I'd need to eat to stave off a low - I'd invariably eat too much and then my sugars would rise back up again - not quite as much, but to a silly level nonetheless.  Nowadays, I basically take a pre-bolus.  That's when I know I'll be eating within an hour or two, so I take the correction and the meal bolus together and then give it a head start before eating. 

[I'm not advising any other diabetics to do this.  I am not a doctor - I'm just reporting on what I've done with my own care]

Ideally, I eat the food once my sugars have come down a fair bit, but with some leeway so that the remaining insulin is used up by the food.

Tonight, it was a rage bolus, but I'm going to justify it by figuring out how much insulin is still acting, and having a snack to counteract that remainder!

Mumbly mumbly, enough said.

Motivation to get my thesis done on time!

  Today, my sister confirmed that she got the time off of work and she bought her ticket to fly to London for the performance of my thesis.  My parents will also be driving halfway across the country to attend the event.

It bothers me that they will be making such a huge trip, and they will be seeing the performance in what is just a glorified classroom.  Nevertheless, I am very excited that they will be coming.  My sister has never been able to attend any performances of my music, mostly because there's been very little outside of the university environment, so it means a lot that she is willing to come so far to attend.  At the very least, it means that 3 people are making a huge investment of time and money - and I owe it to them to have the very best prepared.

I finished cueing, editing and printing parts tonight for the reading.  A little behind my imposed schedule, yes, but I'm actually caught up to my post-it-note schedule - for a few days, ish.

If I can write another movement before Jan29'th, then I'd be perfectly on schedule, but I'm not seeing that as a realistic goal.

Ok, enough rambling tonight.