Monday, September 28, 2009

Then: My first family dog was named Queens. She was an English springer spaniel, white and brown, beautiful and well trained. I remember that every day, I would come home from school (this was early elementary school) and she would be out in the backyard. Trained not to run away, she would sit in the middle of the yard, along the pathway as my sister and I came through the gate. Once it was closed, she would run over to greet us. That sense of regularity and comfort is a wonderful thing.
Memories are faint, but after she passed away, I remember feeling so alone when I would get home from school and the yard was empty.


Now: My landlords have a cat named Bob. He is orange and very affectionate despite being a somewhat outdoor cat. He sleeps and eats inside, but spends his days exploring the front and backyards, particularly the front garden. Around dusk, he loves to sit near the top of the stairs looking over the world and his garden.
When I come home around this time, he watches over me as I come in and close the gate, then as I walk into the garden, he comes down the stairs to greet me.

It's nowhere near as regular, but every once in a while, when Bob is there to greet me, I can't even explain how warm and wonderful it makes me feel.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Just a few days ago, I was thinking that it still felt like school was only starting up.
I must have been delusional because I just noticed that it's gotten hardcore:
My first assignment is due on Tuesday, SSHRC is due on Wednesday, I will be performing 2 pieces on the October 30th Contemporary Players concert, and I have an Oct. 30th composition deadline for a piece which I've barely started on.
Hopefully, on Monday, I will get a wonderful birthday present of time and focus...
not likely!

Sunday, September 20, 2009

A1C

I got my lab results back from early/mid September.
As usual, all of my levels are AOK except for the A1C.

I find an A1C of 8.4 to be very unsatisfying:
1) It's too high for all the effort I put in.
b) It's the exact same number I had last time! I don't even get the satisfaction of patting myself on the back for improving minimally, or self-loathing for getting worse.

It is probably the least satisfying because I've made a complete turnaround since starting the road trip in late August. I've only had one or two instances of my sugars shooting way up into the stratosphere when I change the site, compared to every time, before. I've cut my TDD nearly in half! I have to do the math, but I've been much less aggressive with my carb ratio, from 1 unit for 5 grams, to 1 unit for 7 or 8 grams of carbohydrate.
Nevertheless, these changes have only been in effect for a month, and that's not enough to significantly change the results of a three-month test. All I can do now is continue in this positive direction and hope for the best the next time around.

In other news, with the diabetes bloodwork, I also had some... err... other tests done - which all came back negative (phew)! Oddly enough, I've always romanticized the idea of going crazy from syphilis: how so many composers of the past died. Nevertheless, I suppose it is better to not die, regardless of how artistic the cause might be...

In the never-ending saga, I found out that by requesting my medical files from the doctor in London, I am no longer his patient, thus no longer eligible for Ontario coverage. The pharmacy in Ontario has indeed put my order through, thankfully. They will send it tomorrow and I will have my last free drugs until I am set up with B.C. Healthcare.
Let's hope they send enough to last until then!

Friday, September 18, 2009

Greetings,
Apparently this week is Invisible Illness Week.
I think it's fairly late, but I'm going to do this meme that is going around the diabetes online community.

1. The illness I live with is: type 1 diabetes
2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: 1991
3. But I had symptoms since: in retrospect, I often used to feel 'funny' late at night as I fell asleep on the couch.... later I realized that this feeling was hypoglycemia
4. The biggest adjustment I've had to make is: being aware of every element that effects my sugars/metabolism.
5. Most people assume: that they know enough (or even anything) about diabetes
6. The hardest part about mornings are: eating something and taking insulin to get my metabolism going - I'm not a morning person and I hate eating in the morning, but if I don't my sugars go haywire!
7. My favorite medical TV show is: House MD!
8. A gadget I couldn't live without is: my glucose meter.
9. The hardest part about nights are: not eating close to bed

10. Each day I take 2 pills & vitamins: not so much. Each day I take an average of 65 units of insulin and I test my sugar an average of 10 times.
11. Regarding alternative treatments: When I was a lot younger. I was initially part of the inhaled insulin trials, but was weeded out of the study early on. Inhaled Insulin was hailed as a cure and it was very exciting. More than a decade later, the trials and studies were finished and the released the product on the market. It flopped - massive failure.
12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: Provided everything is going well, I love that diabetes is invisible. In reality, things don't always go well and sometimes we just want a wee bit of pity... just a bit. I wish I could exercise without all the complications - I've been trying for a while. Today, I was running late to meet some friends, so I was walking fairly fast. I broke a sweat, but as I got close to my destination, I started sweating profusely. There is a point when your body decides it's kicking it into high gear and it starts dropping your sugar fast. When my sugars drop quickly, I sweat. I guess what I'm getting at is that I wish it was either completely invisible or completely visible, but alas it is neither.

13. Regarding working and career: Everyone has personal issues that they bring into the workplace - I think it is everyone's responsibility to prepare themselves as needed. Of course, things will come up, but I get offended when other diabetics throw around the disability card so freely.
14. People would be surprised to know: just how integrated into my life diabetes is. People focus very much on the incidental aspects of the condition - carb counting, injecting, testing, etc.
15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: ya, I don't remember the old reality at all, even if I do remember snippets, they were through the eyes of a 6-year old and they have no relevance to my current life.
16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: have sex. In my early teens, I was horrified that my poor diabetes control would leave me impotent. Poor understanding of sexual function and short vs long-term complications led to even more confusion in a confusing time of life.
17. The commercials about my illness: are always about type 2 diabetes. Also, they're about diabetes in the United States - not really applicable to me.
18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: having my halloween candy checked only for the dangers of razor-blade apples.
19. It was really hard to have to give up: the idea that I knew more about my own diabetes than anyone else.
20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: I don't know what hobbies I had at that age, and I'm sure any new ones have no diabetes relation.
21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: run and flail through the streets and eat when I felt hungry and not test my sugars.
22. My illness has taught me: everything I know about living and independence.
23. One thing people say that gets under my skin is: Any unfounded information about diabetes. Telling me what my numbers should be, or what I can or can't eat.
24. But I love it when people: sincerely ask about diabetes and listen to my answers
25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: "You're good enough, you're smart enough, and dog-gonnit, people like you!"
26. When someone is diagnosed I'd like to tell them: It depends on how old they are. I would tell an adult to get educated and always learn, but be prepared to make mistakes and forgive yourself freely. I don't think there is a single thing you can say to a kid, or anyone for that matter. Just teach them to fix their mistakes and learn from them, but never overprotect them and prevent them from actually making those mistakes.
27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: that it is totally common. Pretty much everyone has gone through something, or has something they need to be concerned with. Some people have allergies, some people have diabetes, some people get hit by a car and spend months in a cast or hospital.
28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn't feeling well was: provided me with exactly what I needed without pointing it out and making me feel like I needed them in that situation.
29. I'm involved with Invisible Illness Week because: just because diabetes is commonly invisible doesn't mean it should stay that way!
30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: like my answers are very similar to Kerri's - I guess were not alone!

Get involved with Invisible Illnes Week and let people know that just because you can't see it doesn't mean it isn't there. And have a great weekend!

Thursday, September 17, 2009

A Bed, Finally, almost...

Today, I bought a bed. It will be delivered on Friday morning between 11 am and noon. I got a really great deal, but even so a bed is a large expense. It's scary that I only got my scholarship paycheck yesterday, and the money is already almost all spent.

I've been sleeping on an air mattress since arriving here. I know that two more days is nothing in comparison, but now that I've spent the money on the bed, I want it NOW! Also, the air mattress is deflating more and more each night. I should make that a priority tomorrow - finding the hole or leak so that my last night without a real bed will be as comfortable as possible.

My diabetic supplies are finally being sent from Ontario tomorrow. I'm not sure when I will get them, but I don't know if I could wait much longer.
I was informed that they won't be able to do it for me again because my doctor mentioned that I was no longer a patient - because my new doctor requested my files. There's nothing I can do about it, BUT I'll complain anyway. The pharmacy fucked this one up - they wouldn't let me control how things were ordered, I had to go through a middle man/lady. Had they been able to tell me exactly what prescriptions I had available, I could have made do, BUT they tried to fill too much of one insulin type, meaning they had to talk to the doctor.
I'm not even getting the full 3 months out of them, but OH WELL! I'm glad to get anything from that wretched place. I hate Ontario and I'm glad to be done with it. Mumbly mumbly grr fucker mumbly!

Also, I'm fucking sick! Sniffles and runny nose make me pissy!

In other news, first rehearsal for the Schnittke went pretty darned well. My ensemble mates are really good players - this is going to be a good experience!
They weren't overly friendly - I made sure to ask all of their names and actually remembered the names, I introduced myself and tried to ask them a bit about themselves. They weren't rude or unfriendly, they just weren't super welcoming. I imagine it is mostly because they all know each other already, so I'm an outsider, but I won't let that effect anything.

I started working on the Adams Hallelujah Junction - it's hard. I ran into my piano duo partner and we did a walk'n talk. We're on the same page about the piece - both needing some time to look it over before even thinking about getting together.


Happy - I had a great first real lesson today with my advisor. Anyway, I need to sleep. It was a long day and there is a lot to get done in the next little while.

Monday, September 14, 2009

One step close to forgetting about those exams forever.

I finally got the email about entrance exam results.

First, I point out the fact that I studied quite a bit for the history, and only a few days for the theory.

The first email read as follows,
"The following students need no remedial work in music theory:
Michael Park (DMA, composition)"
Of course, there were other students listed, but I'm glad to have been included on that list. This means I don't have to do any remedial work for theory, and it also makes me feel more confident being in the theory seminar I am currently taking.

"Michael Park: Passed Classical and 20th century areas. Needs remedial work in medieval, renaissance, baroque and romantic areas. Please contact Dr. Xxxxxx to get an assignment for medieval and/or renaissance areas, and Dr. Xxxxxxx to get an assignment for the Romantic area (OR retake the exam for the 4 defficient areas in August 2010.) "

Oopsie!
I am not surprised at all - I think I actually predicted this outcome exactly. I'm now emailing the applicable professors to find out how much work lays ahead. Luckily, I don't have to audit a course, I might have to write as many as 4 papers, but that's much better than having to re-sit that exam - never again!

I imagine it will be a little longer before I hear back about the assignments, but I feel somewhat relieved to finally know the results.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Pianistic Comeback!

I've been away from the piano for too long.
Playing for dance classes was not enough to keep me going.
I am entering the realm of contemporary chamber musician.

I registered in UBC's contemporary ensemble for a few reasons:
1) I know I need to get back to playing before I am completely out-of-shape as a pianist and can't whip things back together. I never want to be one of those people who used to be a pianist.
2) I need to improve my knowledge of contemporary repertoire, and what better way than to play it and be around other people who are playing it.

So far, I've been assigned to two ensembles, each of which is playing an awesome piece.

I will be playing along side a string quartet to play:
Schnittke's Piano Quintet (listen to the first movement, the other movements are available there also).
It is a great piece in 4 movements. It's about 20 minutes in length, kinda piano vs. strings in a lot of it. I LOVE the final movement because it is so beautiful. The piano has an ostinato - repeated phrase throughout the movement - an eerie close to the piece.

I am very excited for my first piano duo - 2 piano, 4 hands.
I met the other pianist in passing at a welcome barbecue; his name is Miguel Brito. I know he is doing grad studies in piano performance; I can't remember if it is a masters or doctorate, but either way that sets high standards for me to meet.
The piece is John Adam's Hallelujah Junction. It is about 15 minutes long. This will be a nice challenge for me because it is a minimalist piece - many cross-rhythms and subtle shifts which will make it difficult to co-ordinate. Nevertheless, it is a great piece of music and I'm looking forward to starting work on it.

I'm not sure if there is going to be more or not. This should definitely be enough to keep me occupied in addition to my composition studies and academics.
A part of my wants to be swamped, to take on more than I should, but there is still that pragmatist inside me saying, 'slow down, don't go crazy!' I'm not sure with which I'm siding right now.

4'th Year Undergrad.......
I was still a piano major, preparing my final solo degree recital. Meanwhile, I had decided that I would pursue composition in graduate studies. I was essentially double-majoring and working a part time job as a ballet pianist - it came to be too much. I passed my recital and degree, but I know I could have and should have done much better.
I was not able to find that balance.

Masters in London(, Ontario).....
Realizing that I hadn't found that magical balance of piano and composing, I decided to focus solely on composition. While I wrote for piano and did a wee bit of accompanying, Michael the Pianist became subsidiary. I never really felt musically happy in London.
I was not able to find that balance.
While I was there, I blamed the city itself - something I didn't really have control over; now that I've moved, I'm taking everything into my own hands and addressing the possibility that I just missed playing piano by.... playing piano!

The amount of piano playing I'll be doing should be less than I was playing that year and I'm not working outside of school this year; I think that means I should be able to balance time and whatnot better.
In conclusion, I'm very excited about the opportunities this year - not just to play and make great music, but also to get my life in check and find a way to be the musician I want to be.

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

Settling in

Today was my 20th or 21st First day of school. I think it went pretty well.
Because of the entry exams, I knew some people already so it was a nice, friendly atmosphere.

I found out that I might be able to get out of my bibliography requirement course by submitting a term paper from a previous degree. I sent it as soon as I found that out, so I hope to hear shortly that I qualify so that I can re-register in the theory requirement course that I wanted to take.

There was a welcome bbq at lunchtime. It was rainy and they took a long time to get the bbqs lit, but I got my burger after my audition:

I had an audition for the contemporary ensemble - it went very well. I'm sad that now, I'm pretty much finished with the Scriabin piece I learned over the summer. Happily though, the piece served its purpose as the ensemble's director was impressed both with my choice of piece as well as my playing. I'm excited for Monday when we find out what music we'll be playing!

I also had my first lesson with my advisor today. It was basically our chance to get to know each other. I showed her some scores and played some examples. We also talked about the program/portfolio requirements and some of the projects I have planned for the near future.
She asked me to describe my music and approach to composing - despite it being the main thing I do, I really wasn't able to tell her much....
[and tangent...]
I know there was a point in my life when I was quite a good communicator - heck, I was on the debate team and loved public speaking. These days, I fumble words almost constantly and it feels like my vocabulary is shrinking. I'm not sure what is going on, because it's not everything, just some areas:
This summer, I worked in a call centre and was an excellent communicator at work. I knew the answers to questions and was able to spout out varied descriptions of operas and concerts with no problem. It seems like whenever I'm trying to express my own ideas, I fail miserably.
[end tangent]

Ok, that's it for now.

Sunday, September 06, 2009

Entrance Exams

In order for UBC to make sure that their graduate students have a base level of education in theory and history, they have entrance exams. The exams cover everything from the middle ages through late-twentieth century music - a total of 6 eras.

Aside from the other people who took the exams, nobody believes that I did badly, quite badly. The only solace is that everyone coming out of the exams felt terrible about them.

THEORY
The last question was to analyze 3 pieces and I didn't even get to the third piece. Despite not feeling terribly well-prepared, I felt not as badly about this one as I was about to feel the next day...

HISTORY
This exam divided everything into the 6 historical eras, each of which had short answer questions and essays.
In the short answer section, you needed 12 out of 20 to pass. I KNOW there was at least 1, maybe 2 sections that I failed. I was not alone... quite a few of us were counting whether or not we had answered anywhere close to 12 correctly. It was odd - I know what I know, so at first I didn't want to put guesses in, but when I only KNEW 10, it became worthwhile to put some educated guesses.
I'm fairly certain that I failed at least 4 of my essays. The sheer amount of writing I did was sub-par.

After both exams, a group of us went out to socialize, but after the history, we all needed a stiff drink.
Early next week, we'll find out just how much remedial work will be necessary.



On the one hand, this has not been starting the year off on a good foot, but at least none of my comp profs are involved in the process!
I have met with my advisor and we planned out my courses for this year and I have an idea of what I will need to take next year. The program outline is pretty detailed, and I actually don't get much choice in what types of courses I get to take. In lieu of comprehensive exams, I have to take an extra course in theory and 2 extras in musicology. After picking those, there is only room for one actual elective! I'm going to fill that elective with the contemporary players ensemble. I thought it was odd that UWO didn't require me to do a bibliography course, but now I will be doing it here.

All in all. Things are starting to come together and I'm getting excited to start the year next week.