I've been pretty much married to my computer lately.  The thesis has been coming along quite well.  I'm constantly shifting between moments of feeling that things are moving along on target, then a few minutes later I feel like I'm so far behind and there's just so much work left to do.  I try and ignore both of these feelings, and just take the positive influence they have on me - either reinforcing or scaring me into productivity!

My sugars have been really wonky the last few days.  At first I thought I might need some basal adjustments, but it is a possibility that I've been too lax in my carb counting and calculations.  I'm going to be really organized today and write things down if they continue to go astray so that I can look for patterns.

I did the tally the other day of how much water I drank.

Generally, you're supposed to drink about 8 cups of water a day, as a guideline.

I had about 11 glasses of water, but each of those averaged about 1 and a third cups, so I drank about 14 or 15 cups of water.

I didn't tally the number of times I went tinkle, I'll save that for another day.

[Yes, I do use the work 'tinkle' even though I'm a grown man]

Generally, the pump is working well.  Nevertheless, it changes day to day; I'm assuming that stress causes a huge variation in my insulin needs.  I don't think it's the pump, because my sugars are responding properly, it just takes a lot more insulin, so maybe it's absorption.  For example, the last 2 infusion sets worked as follows:

Infusion set 1 worked great for almost two days, then it seemed like I needed SO much insulin.  I sucked it up for the remaining day and a bit, expecting the next infusion set would set things straight.  The new site didn't fix it, in fact it got a little worse.  After a whole day of sucking, my sugars started to plummet back to the happy place, but I spent the next half day over-treating highs and lows.  I'm hesitant to change basals or even carb ratios because it seems to change at the drop of a hat.

I'm currently basking in my daily 3pm sunshine.  Ok, so it's only been yesterday and today, but all day today was bleak until 3pm - and for this last half hour, it's been delightfully warm on my face.  I generally don't like the light of the sun, but the way I'm facing, I'm not blinded - only warmed by the sunshine!

I finished writing the piano solo, or cadenza of my concerto's third movement and now I'm editing it and adding dynamics.  This is the central and most important material in the movement, so I'm glad to have it finished-ish.

It's not really a cadenza though... I'm starting to re-think whether or not this is even a concerto.  It does feature the opposition of piano (soloist) and orchestra, but 'concerto' is such a loaded term - it might be for the best to change the name, especially thinking ahead to my thesis defense.  

I just had an epiphany :

I spend the majority of my time creating things that largely go unnoticed.

Blogging - I might have a few readers, at most...

Composing - Even if I become successful, the classical music world is quite small.

Even in diabetes, it is such an invisible thing.  The rest of the world can't tell if my sugars are perfect, if they're through the roof, or if they're plummeting.  

This epiphany won't change anything, at least not at the moment.  I will continue to do exactly what I do.  Perhaps when I have more time, I'll put more thought into whether that means that the world can do without the things I do, or whether I need to put more effort into getting them noticed.

Are they even worth being noticed?  Blogging - probably not.  Composing - I would hope so.

Diabetes - I hope it never becomes noticeable.

I guess, today I just feel small.

I think I must have a less than ideal infusion site right now.  It's amazing how the amount of insulin I use daily can change so dramatically.  The other possibility is that I'm not keeping track of my stress eating...  The cookies I bought recently do seem to be disappearing faster than they should.

Ok, I've decided that tomorrow I'm going to try to keep a tally of how many glasses of water I drink and then calculate how many liters that amounts to.  I figure you can't drink too much water, but my bladder and water bill (which we don't actually have to pay) probably wouldn't agree.

Today at work, I had to be far more alert than I normally do to accompany ballet classes.  The reason was that I actually had to TEACH ballet class!  My boss was swamped with paperwork today, so she asked if I would be willing to do some music classes for the last few hours of the work day.  I accepted and the children were stuck with me!

To be honest, I was kind of blind sided; having no prior notice, I had to figure out what to do on the spot.  It wasn't as easy as I thought it would be.....

Think back to when you were 6-10 years old and you had a substitute teacher at school - remember how the entire class was on its 'best behavior'?  I pulled out some of my best disciplinarian tactics, but they were still little devils!

On the plus side - I came up with a really great creative movement exercise:

We talked about High and Low, as well as Fast and Slow pairings and how they existed in both music and dance.  [If you ever want to hear the most delightful noise in the world... simply ask a class of fifteen eight-year-old girls to make a really loud high sound, ie shrieking!]  They really enjoyed this exercise and responded really well to what I was playing for them.  I also added another layer of volume, but there was a little confusion and at that point they were just excited to flail about the room, vaguely listening to the piano....

Anyway, the teaching was fun and I hope to do it again, particularly with some of the older groups - the relationship of dance and music has been my expertise for the last few years and I see that they are missing a few of the key connections with their musicality - something I really want to address.

Productivity has been slowing down.

Bad Michael, Bad!

There was the most delightful argument on the street in front of my apartment a little while ago.  There are about three separate bus stops within a stone's throw and there is an awkward little quasi loading zone in between some of them.  It's not marked 'no parking' or 'loading zone' so you can pretty much do what you desire there.  Many people use it to pick up their Indian Food from the restaurant below me.  Anyway, a bus was within inches of the bumper of the car which I can only assume had quickly stopped in that area.  The bus driver must have been quite angry, having expected to have just pulled up to the spot.  Being that close to the bumper, the bus would have had to have backed up, but I think he expected the car to move for him.  There was honking first and then swearing and yelling and people standing around until the car's driver told off the bus driver and squealed his tires as he pulled away.

I love living downtown!

I went through and deleted about 35 friends from my facebook account.  I kept the people that 1) I like and want to keep in touch with or b) are valuable networking commodities.  It was odd, kind of like I was telling each person I deleted that I didn't like them and that they weren't even worth anything to my career.  There were also some people who I didn't even remember - which isn't completely odd with a memory like mine, but I suppose with nearly 500 'friends', it's hard to keep track of everyone.

Even as I was going through, there were a lot of London, Ontario people who I pre-selected to delete, but not today.  When I leave London, I will clear my list of those people as well!

It's sick that friendship/acquaintanceship can be given such a tangibility in the online world.

In the real world, I would have and indeed HAVE forgotten about many of these people - their disappearance from my consciousness took no effort whatsoever, but online one must turn it into a conscious decision.

I've always been taught to never burn my bridges, so it was actually difficult to set so many fires today, but I think it was worth it.

The thesis is really coming together these days.  I have the feeling that things are falling into place.  I'm not a big fate-person, but I'm getting lots of hints that things are meant to be a certain way.  Either that, or I have way under-credited my subconscious.

Forgive the technicality of what I'm about to write, but hopefully it will be clearish.

Basically the first thing I did with the concerto was to decide on two contrasting pitch groups.  There are 12 pitches in an octave, so 2 groups of 6 were chosen.  At some point before starting the other movements, I decided I needed some kind of large-scale pitch organization; I decided that with 4 movements, there should be 4 equal distances between the movements - therefore (12/4=3) I would transpose the pitch sets up 3 semi-tones with each movement.

Recently, I decided that I wanted to quote a famous piano concerto, and which better than the Tchaikovsky Piano Concerto!  I've been meaning to get the score from the library, but haven't gotten around to it; today I realized that I have a copy on my computer.  The part I want to quote is in D-flat major. 

  The part I want to quote ties into the opening theme of my concerto - while it is not tonal, it fits close enough to an E-major scheme.  The quotation will happen in the fourth movement...

Movement 1 - E Major

Movement 2 - G Major

Movement 3 - B-flat Major

Movement 4 - can you guess...?!?

D-flat Major!  It must be a sign from the gods!

In another way, that feels more directly connected to me, I feel that the material of my concerto is bringing itself together.  I gave myself the challenge of using as few materials as possible for this concerto:

-2 pitch collections, each with a theme attached

-the rhythm and contour of the text and the structure of the poem.

That's basically it - all the musical material in it has been created using only those little seedlings.  I was prepared to and really thought that I was going to need to add things in and create new material left and right, but so far I haven't.  This quotation will be the first 'new' material, and even at that, it fits one of the pitch groups!

Ok, now to do the opposite - dinner, where I will take many many ingredients and turn them into some clump of dinner that tastes rather unexciting!

Toronto fun times.

So far, this has been a great trip to Toronto.

My meeting with my adviser was great and he made the offer that if I get a lot done and want another meeting before heading home, I just need to call.  I haven't written too much since then, but I still have a few days and who knows what productivity I will accomplish.

Friday night I went for drinks with some friends from Winnipeg.  We drank so much and stayed at the pub for so long - it was entirely delightful!  I spent far too much money, but oh well - it was well worth it.

I managed to make it to a piano recital today by the pianist who is playing my concerto.  I didn't think I was going to be able to make it, but I did; it is wonderful when things in life just come together in the right way.

Speaking of performances, there is a show tomorrow night with one of the improv faculty from the program I did last summer.  I plan on meeting a Toronto friend and seeing the show while catching up.

In diabetes-land, I did the new infusion site in my other arm today; it went SO much better.  I would actually say it was a perfect site change.  My sugars were good before, so they didn't skyrocket as soon as I changed and then absorption today has been good.

I bought huge manuscript paper yesterday from the downtown music store.  London doesn't keep the manuscript stacks in stock, so I couldn't physically hold them and compare.  I spent at least 10 minutes looking and comparing the larger types.  I am testing out one of them right now - lots of room on the manuscript paper is great for sketching things.

Metal pokey things don't like me today.

2 separate things that didn't go so well today:

1) I have an endocrinologist appointment next week, so I went to get blood taken today.  The lab tech poked around inside my left arm for a fair while, almost enough to make me mildly queasy, but it didn't bother me.  Eventually she gave up and asked if I had ever had it taken from my hand.  This took me back to the olden days!  Up until I was about 18, they took the blood from the back of my hand with a butterfly needle.  It filled me with warm fuzzies.  But no!  Rather than the back part of my hand where they were always successful, she shot the needle right above my index knuckle - it's dark and a little bit bruisy.

2)I had been wanting to try a new infusion site for a while - the arm!  I couldn't up until now because the tubing seemed just not quite long enough - it could reach from my arm to my pocket, but not if I reached for anything...  In my latest shipment of medical supplies, I got the longer tubing set - not just a bit longer, but nearly twice as long... I'm dangling a fair bit!

Anyway, some things are difficult to do with one hand - clapping, tying shoes, etc.  Well, inserting an infusion set is DEFINITELY one of those things!  It doesn't help that I was using the more difficult of the two infusion sets - with the Silhouette, you can't remove the adhesive backing before using the insertion device like you can with the Quick-set.  If you try, the stickiness gets stuck to the device and that's hard to fix even with both hands!

I got it all set up and the insertion went fine, but then I had trouble removing the set from the device.  Trying to remove it was a terrible mess, I was accidentally moving the needle all around inside my arm...  I got frustrated and pulled it out and reinserted it by hand.  Much better, BUT then I was having trouble taking the adhesive backing off with only one hand - all of this is taking place on the back of my left arm.  The tugging at the set to get the backing off was, once again, not appreciated by my arm.

Long story short, I got it in and stuck!  It is a little tender, but oh well.

My sugars were a little higher than they should have been before putting in the new set, so of course my sugars sky-rocketed after the first bolus...  The sugars are moving down, giving evidence that the insulin IS working, but not as fast or effectively as I would like.  Nevertheless, I have no ketones and I'm comfortable going to bed with it in. 

After all that hassle, I'm damn well not wasting this one until it has proven itself useless!

I'll be leaving EARLY Friday morning to go into Toronto for business and pleasure.  I have a meeting with my thesis adviser and then I will be visiting with wonderful friends for the rest of the weekend.  I'm not sure how long I will be staying - it will depend on how inspiring and invigorating I find Toronto to be this time around.

The thesis is coming along.  I finished some of those ground-work chunks and I've been doing some of the creative stuff the last few days.  It isn't as immediately rewarding as I had hoped, but it is still getting better.

A Formerly Uncommon Occurrence

The following image might be disturbing, but I think it is delightful!

In case you haven't figured it out, these are three of the fingers from my left hand:

index, middle and ring

You may be wondering, 'oh no, why is Mr. Left Middle-Finger bleeding'?

Don't be worried my friends, he bleeds quite a bit, and he doesn't mind one bit. 

Because of diabetes, my fingers have bled quite a bit more than the average persons' fingers.

Multiple times a day, I have to prick one of my fingers with a lancing device so that I can test my blood sugar.  In an ideal world, every diabetic would cycle through both hands - each finger would bleed only once every 10 tests.  It can be even further varied by changing where on the finger to poke - meaning the right side of Mr. Left Middle-Finger would bleed only once every 20 tests!

  I remember a time when I only tested about 5 times a day - that would mean that Mr. Left Middle-Finger only bled once or twice a week!

  Times have changed and Mr. Left Middle-Finger is one of my favourite fingers to prick.  Also, because of the strict regimen I was on the last few months, I was testing upwards of 15 times a day.  Mr. Left Middle-Finger bled a lot.

The scene you see above used to be quite the special event.  With the smallness of the hole that is made, the blood clots very quickly and within a second, it's healed - Halleluja!  Sometimes, however, it's still hurting on the inside.  There are two basic ways of expressing this inner turmoil:

1) Pictured above is the classic double-bleeder.  One drop of blood forms from the new puncture wound, and another forms from a previous puncture.  Because the punctures are quite small, you need to squeeze the blood out - the blood will find any available exits, even ones which were partially closed.

2)The sprayer - Sometimes, the hole is not big enough, or a previous hole only opens a little, but there is still a fair amount of force trying to get the blood out.  The same force coming out of a little exit causes a fine stream of blood to spatter a fair distance.  On occasion, I don't even notice until I find a spattering of blood on my glasses or white dress shirt...

That's all for now.  I hope you enjoyed the picture.  Today has been a special day filled with fun and excitement..  Laundry and sitting around in my pajamas!  

Yesterday I got some good news - the phone meeting I was had with my pump nurse was to be the last.  She said that things were looking good enough that it isn't necessary to continue sending her sugars.  I have a follow-up appointment with her in March, so I get a one-month vacation, which could not come at a better time.  I'll have to remind myself that this is not just a chance to let everything go to shit, but it will be great to take some of the focus away from diabetes and be a little bit more obsessive with my thesis.

My feelings towards the thesis still haven't changed since yesterday - I've finished another task, but haven't had the chance to take that task and apply it.  There are still too many individual tasks that I need to finish.  Today I have no class and no real plans, so I will just write write write and finish a bunch of tasks.  Oh ya, I have to do laundry, which means I'll have to leave the apartment to buy quarters...

Nothing really to report this weekend.

Composition is going slowly - I feel like there is just so much ground work to do before I can really get to the creative work.  Nevertheless, I have a clear understanding of what I want the rest of the piece to be like, so the groundwork is focused and efficient.  

I really wish I could work faster on this groundwork, because it isn't that involved, but I'm having difficulty maintaining focus.  With that said, I'm glad that I'm still getting a fair bit done daily - even while I describe it as less than ideal.  Last year, when I was feeling this unproductive, it was because I was getting NOTHING done.  These are definitely steps in the right direction!

Indeed, my sugars have been MUCH better yesterday and today.  It appeared to have been a bad infusion set, but I refused to change it since I had ended the previous one a day early.

I'm going to spend a little time next weekend in Toronto.  I have a meeting with my thesis adviser, I'll hang out with one of my long-time readers, and there's an on-line, yet real-life pharmacy there that sells insulin pump supplies for a remarkable savings.  What costs $205 through the manufacturer only costs $175, or $150 from this pharmacy.  This will bring my diabetes related costs down to the level at which I'm receiving funding for it, which means I won't be spending as much out-of-pocket money on my health.

All things are looking up these days:

I've been productive with writing.

I bought nasal spray, so my nose is feeling much happier.

With the sugars down, I feel less stressed, even though it is still there.

Yep, that's all I got for now.

I'm not really enjoying life today.

My sugars have been really high the last few days, only coming down for brief periods.  I have no keytones, so it's not like my pump isn't working.  They're coming down as we speak - I just plan on not eating for the next few days so that they won't go up again.... Really, if I could do it, I would.

High sugars really make me angry - unbelievably angry!  I want to punch and kick and cry and scream and Argh!  all at the same time!

Other things that add to this feeling are:

Stress - thank you thesis completion month!

Tension - my jaw hates me right now.  Also, on the bus home tonight, I was seriously contemplating the idea of getting an emergency deep-tissue massage tomorrow, but I don't have the time or money for that.

Speaking of, FUCK! due to a smaller than normal paycheque from the dance studio and not getting paid for the extra TAing I did this last month, I have $2.69 to last me the next month.  Thank goodness (and capitalism) for my credit card.

A piece of mine is being performed at a studio recital this weekend.  I went this evening to hear the dress-rehearsal.  Not surprisingly, it was not terribly well-rehearsed, so they were working on staging it and finding notes.  Oh well!  I'm happy with the concept of what they're doing with it, and I'm sure they'll pull it together for Saturday, because I would really really like this recording to turn out well.  The pianist had another obligation halfway through, so I got to sit in at the piano for the second half.  It went well and it reminded me that I want to get back to playing more and accompanying.

In other news - I have the driest fucking nose imaginable!  I never thought that my nose could cause me so much pain, but WOW!  It's constantly bloody, but dried blood which irritates the inside of my painful little nostrils.  Anyway, I bought a humidifier which I've had running yesterday and today.  I haven't noticed a difference yet though.  I want a difference.  I tried moisturizing the inside of my nostrils with a q-tip and some lotion, but then it feels like I have a constant runny nose and then it's hard to not blow out all the lotion into a kleenex.

Anyway, I hate the world just a bit right now, but it's ok, I don't really.

My life indeed has direction!

Since finishing my applications for grad school, which wasn't that long ago, I've been in a bubble of uncertainty - having no guarantees about what might happen.  As small as it may have been, there was a tiny fear in the back of my head, 'what would I do if I didn't get accepted to any of the programs'?

Today I got an email from the dean of one of the schools to which I applied.  It stated that they've recommended me for acceptance into the Doctoral program.  Basically, it means that I'm in.  This Dean wants to talk to me on the phone to ask a few questions and answer any that I may have.

My initial thoughts:

-super happiness

-I'm not even thinking about making decisions because I want to hear from all the schools, but this gives me that comfort feeling!

-This school's application deadline was yesterday and I got the email today; also, he said that they were 'impressed by [my] music' - how awesome does that make me feel!?!

-Damnit, this has distracted me and I have so much work to do today, tomorrow, and for the next 5 weeks!  Eek!