I hit a low point this summer when I moved across the country without really having enough money. I broke down and cried in front of my new roommate. I rarely cry, and I can't remember the last time it was so sincere and in front of someone.
It was because I realized I was powerless, pitiful; I didn't have the money to do things I needed to do. Not having money for things I want... sure it sucks, but hardly worth getting upset over. Foreseeing that I couldn't afford rent or food or drugs upon arriving - that got me.
Today, it was going to the pharmacy and having my debit card declined. But it was different, the embarrassment and helplessness weren't nearly as strong.
I took off the non-prescription items, but the prescriptions still cost more than I had. I walked home to check out finances online. I felt a tinge of worry and the same feelings from earlier this summer, but numbed. I'm glad that I'm not letting this interfere as much with my life, but I generally don't like being numbed.
It bothers me that some people can watch extreme violence in movies simply because they've seen it so much. The idea that you can be moved less after hearing a piece of music over and over prevents me from obsessing.
But for now, I'm all right with feeling less worry, less pain, less anxiety.
In other news, things are going pretty well. I'm getting lots read, written, and even playing lots!
1 comment:
I think numbness is a natural self-defense over reoccuring emotional upset and while self-preservation is awesome, it can lead to complacency, i.e. not resulting in motivation to surmount these negative situations.
Sorry 'bout dem money woes. Suggestion: cam whoring.
Loveme.
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