Time has been flying - I've been rather busy.
Monday and Tuesday kind of whizzed by with the classes and lesson and preparation for both being rather extensive, well more just for the lesson.
My teacher's reaction was neither really here nor there, some good suggestions, but the piece is still not quite at the point where it can really be critiqued. I hadn't gotten it to the put together shape that it should be.
The energetic section that I wrote which I was excited about, and I thought it fit both piano and violin quite well, didn't quite win over my teacher. He even raised some concern about whether it was good writing for violin. I went to a violinist today and they reconfirmed that it fits the instrument, phew!
I talked to the prof organizing the workshop - I have until Friday to get my shit together, and I will need the time. I had originally thought I would get my piece ready for the lesson, get some corrections and then plug it into the notation software - things don't work that way. Not that this is a bad thing,- I feel that the piece has continued to grow. It's not like I got shot down at my lesson and had to rebuild; my lesson served me as a bump on the road to where I'm going.
The tricky thing is going to be working it up to a point at which I'll submit it and have to be ok with it at that point until the workshop. In the meantime, I will continue working on the piece - it will continue to develop and most likely will be a very different piece by the time I actually hear them play it. At the same time, what I'm presenting to them is going to be the second half so if I focus next on the first half, then maybe things won't be so out of sync.

Overall, the weekend was pretty damn productive in terms of composition. I still have quite a bit of time tomorrow during which I can finish up my composition and then I have time on Tuesday morning. At that point, I will need to make any changes/improvements as well as input it into my notation program. I hope I'm not going to run into any major setbacks with the notation, as that could have negative impact on my one-day timeline.. maybe that's not realistic, I have to make sure it's not just notated, but the parts have to be prepared as well.
I guess this is what grad school is all about. I will have to find a way to get it all together.
At the moment, there are some things which will be tricky to input, but that's just because I haven't made actual decisions about them yet; how do I want things to line up, if at all?

Oops, I should really sleep. Late night = Mikey not happy at his 9:30 sight singing class...

Somewhat of an end to witer's block

I figured out why I wasn't able to come up with any music - I was trying to compose away from the piano. Somewhere along the line, I got the idea that I didn't need a keyboard in order to write music; I barely used the piano for some of the pieces I wrote last year. I guess the moral of this story is that what works for the goose doesn't necessarily work for the duck. Wait, it's supposed to be the female version.. what is a female duck.... oh well,
What works for the drake doesn't necessarily work for the gander.
The additional moral is that I am neither a duck nor a goose, so while they don't use a piano to compose, I should.
Also, the fact that I am writing for a piano ensemble means that I need to be conscious that this is going to be played on piano. Between yesterday and today, I've spent over 10 hours at the piano trying to come up with stuff. It is surprising how slow things are to make it from my head onto the keys and then into my head again to get it on the paper. I'm certain there must be something mentally wrong with me that is preventing the process from going as smooth as it seems that it should.
Anyway, I have the first half of the piece pretty much mapped out, unfortunately it is the second half that I have to have close to finished by tuesday/wednesday. Nevertheless, inspired by how I've been working lately, I am confident that I will be able to get everything together for my deadlines. The good thing is that this piece doesn't need to be finished completely until December, so this will really raise the bar for what the finished product will be.

Another observation, last time I wrote for strings, I had issues remembering and making tangible the concept of how the pitches lie on the strings, but for whatever reason, I seem to have developed that sense and even my fingers on the keyboard were tuning into what is and isn't possible. It must be subconscious as well; I wrote down a theme for the piano part and then looking at it on the page, I realized that it made really good use of the open strings on the violin - saving me much time in trying to find a way to rewrite it for the violin.

Now, school has officially gotten busy. Writing is underway and it's amazing how much of my time I can dedicate to that. Electroacoustic course is suddenly getting heavier in the workload. Besides just doing more, I need to also kick things up a notch in terms of using the tools better. We had a mini assignment and well, when there's only 2 students, it's obvious which student is the better or in my case, lesser. In terms of using the technology, it's a matter of going more often to the studio and spending more time. Once again, in order to benefit, I need to do a couple of significant, like 3+ hour sessions. I find myself getting frustrated/antsy after about 2, so I need to force myself through it.

Oooh, I sent a piece to a chamber ensemble for their call for works today. They are looking for an emerging composer, so basically a bunch of people send them a piece and they pick one or a few that they will tour around the country. I sent in Auskultu Bonvolu, but I read that last year they had over 140 applicants, so it's already looking not so promising. That currently puts me at 2 competitions that I'm waiting to hear back from. Nevertheless, I feel that I wrote a really strong cover letter, so I hope that wins it for me! haha

Wow, I originally planned on listening to one Sibelius Symphony today, maybe two if I had time and the inclination. Somehow I ended up listening to them all(most).
I had listened to the first one another day. I actually listened to Symphonies 2-4 this afternoon and then 5-7 tonight.
This afternoon, I actually wrote down listening notes and read about them on the Grove's Online Encyclopedia. Tonight, I just listened and tried to understand / get inspired by the music.
I made sure that I was completely open and I even tried to fall in love with this music, but it didn't really happen. I really enjoyed Symphony number 5 and 7.
My prof and the other first year Master's student recommended that I listen to them all - probably not in one day, but that's just how I did it. Now I have a real sense of what Sibelius's music is all about and I will even be able to enter into discussions of these works.

I'm worried that I've lost or temporarily misplaced the ability to be really moved by music. The symphonies today were great and there was a lot that should have caused me to weep or scream or something, but nothing. Anyway, to test it all out, I'm going to listen to Liszt's Sonata in B minor. It is one of my favorite pieces of all time, and it once caused me to get a nasty speeding ticket on the evening before my birthday a few years ago. Hopefully it will inspire some tears as I settle down for the night.
I will let you know how things work out tomorrow.

Oooh, tomorrow I am performing the Double Bass and Piano piece - I'm excited and our rehearsal went very well today, things are really starting to come together. I will also provide commentary on that tomrorow.

I am becoming an ethical person!

I have decided that I need to become a professional in what I am doing. Therefore, I need to actually own the software that I use to make a living (or as close as I can get to making a living as a composer). However, being a professional doesn't necessarily mean that I am going to jump on paying full price on the software, especially when they have great offers that are just begging to be taken advantage of.
To just buy the full Sibelius 5 program, I would be paying 599$US. While the Canadian dollar is currently stronger than the US one, that is still a huge sum of money. At the same time, they have an offer that tries to convince users of the competition, Finale, to switch over for only 199$, or 99$ for the month of October. To save $500, all I would need to do would be to send the table of contents from the user manual of one of the accepted programs. Unfortunately, I couldn't get a hold of a user manual, damn! Nothing on ebay, and no-one I know uses those programs. But upon closer inspection, one of the programs that they accept for the upgrade is their own Sibelius Student program - only 99$. I ordered both the upgrade and the student version so that I can register the upgrade. A total savings of nearly 400$ and I get the ethical validation I've wanted for just over $200 Canadian.
I think Apple/Mac should offer a competitive upgrade thingy for Windows users.. haha, not likely, but that would be nice.
Anyway, with this detail out of the way, there isn't anything pressing that I need to upgrade. The step up to ProTools and getting a Macbook aren't necessary; they will have to wait pending the funding situation next year. If I know for sure that I will be getting decent money next year, then I will switch to Mac. Getting ProTools is not a rush at all. For this year and next, I have the use of a great recording/audio editing studio at school. I don't need to have the hard/software for my own computer, but that is something I need to address eventually.
Mumbly mumbly, no more talking about finances, I know it's not the most interesting topic, but that was all I really had to say for tonight, so I'll sign off for another day.

I walked home via a different route today. It would have been really nice, but the sun was in my eyes for more than half of it. I checked on google after I got home and the route I took was 5 kilometres and it took me about 52 minutes to walk. I totally thought that the walk would have taken a full hour, but unfortunately not.
In some ways the new route was nicer, for a long stretch of it you walk by a big open park and I get to cross the river, but on the other hand, it forces me to walk along a busy road for most of it. I know I will definitely not take this route in the late morning/early afternoon again, the sun was just too much directly in my eyes.
It was nice for variety and I will try it again at some point, but I like the original way better. I could walk along Richmond, a main street, but since I live a few big blocks east of it, I can also just walk through the residential areas. If anyone ever comes to visit (like my friend Fiona is coming in a few weeks) I will show this beautiful area. The houses are all amazing and the streets are all lined with trees and the colours are amazing right now.
Anyway, since I've been trying to find a way to extend my walk to an hour long, I think I will just walk a few blocks further east and then double back a bit.
Now I have settled into my schedule, which unfortunately does not involve a whole lot of at-school-time. I only actually need to go to school 2 or 3 days a week, sometimes 4 if I have a lesson. This is why I need to guaruntee that I walk at least an hour each time. I should also leave the house and get some exercise even on the days when I don't have anything. This weekend, I barely left the apartment and my legs ached when I walked to catch the bus on Sunday afternoon (I hadn't been out of the apartment since Friday evening).
Long story short (I lie) is that while I have been walking a lot more since moving here, I most likely haven't lost any weight and I'm not really in any better shape. I need to step things up in the exercise department.

New topic!
Now that I've finished my film soundtrack and got the tentative initial approval from the director, I have moved on to school composition work. The piano trio has developed slowly over the last 2 days, but it needs to go faster. A professional piano trio is coming to our school and they are doing a student composer masterclass type thing, so I need to have about 3 minutes of my piece suitable for them to read through so I can get some feedback. At the same time, my teacher wants me to have the whole piece generally sketched out in some detail for my next lesson. I think I'll give myself until friday to do that, then I'll spend the weekend filling in a3 minute section with more detail so that it might be ready for the end of the month (when I need to have it ready to send to the ensemble). It's all a matter of making sure I have as much done as I can so that I can make the best use of the resources; my teacher for this lesson as well as the ensemble. I think I'll have a day after my lesson in order to add some suggestions from my lesson in order to get it ready to send off.
It seems odd that I will be sending it to them to learn a section, but I will have worked on it quite a bit by the time they actually play it for me. I'll keep in mind that I will be wanting to listen for the concepts and style that they play rather than the specific notes, which will undoubtedly have changed.

I'll keep rambling-
A week or two ago, I had some bloodwork done through the student health services lab. Just the standard diabetes tests. This would have been the test of how my summer and first month of living here has been. My HbA1C wasn't bad; 7.2 when the targets are 7.0 or 6.5. I'm not even certain about what my previous result was, but somehow I have it in my head that this was a step backwards. While I try not to let numbers rule my life, I can't help but be disappointed. Not by the numbers, but by my perception... I really felt like I had made some monumental improvements over the summer, but I suppose not.
I'm posting about it now to admit that yes, it did get to me, but now I'm back on track.

I meant to blog about this yesterday, but I forgot.
I heard the Canadian Chamber Choir sing at a noon-hour concert on Friday. It was spectacular. It reminded me of how good choral singing can be.
Often, it seems that all singers have the sole intent of being soloists. I wonder why it isn't more like orchestral instrumentalists who have the intention of being in an orchestra. If more young people heard groups like the CCC, or if there were more choirs of that caliber, then maybe singers would aspire to be a voice within such a choir. The power of such a group is incredible.
Anyway, enough fawning.
It has inspired me to write differently for choir, whenever I next do that. It also brings to light the influence that the above mentioned bias against choral singing has had on my music. Not that it's bad, but let's look at the Baking with Momma piece I wrote.
I wrote it with a specific choir in mind, and with that came the premise that a choir would be made up of a bunch of budding soloists. That is how I wrote it - 8 separate voices, very independent. It was effective, but I don't think that the piece could be successfully performed by a non professional-ish level choir. I don't necessarily want all of my music to be elitist (more on that later).
I still think that the piece was quite successful, but I missed out on the power that the choral texture can achieve. I'm not saying that I'm not happy with the piece, in fact I will probably still write music in that style, but I want to also try the other side of things.

I was talking to my roommate earlier and he reminded me of how elitist classical music is. I need to keep this in mind as I attempt to not become overwhelmed by elitism.

Anyway, I'm rambling, perhaps I will stop.

I think I finished the soundtrack for the dance film I'm working on. I sent it to the film director/producer/editor and I'm just waiting on his feedback.
I've learned a fair bit about audio editing from the process, and I'm quite happy with how it has turned out. The first version I did involved the piano, accordion and some extended accordion technique, which ended up just sounding like heavy breathing. Through exploring some of digital effects available through audio editing, I ended up making a decision to use the piano as the only original sound source.
I won't go as far as to say that I've become a master electroacoustimusician, but I'm on my way. I was able to get everything to do what I wanted

In my electroacoustic class, we're using a program called ProTools. It has a steep learning curve so I have a fair bit to learn, but it will allow me even more tools than the program I'm currently using. All of this has gotten me thinking about some investments that I need to make within the next little while.
Basically, I need to switch to Mac. As much as I don't want to admit it, it almost comes down to a case of 'all the cool kids have it'. On top of that, and in terms of professional stuff, most of my colleagues use it, and most studios use it and my university uses it - therefore in terms of collaboration and being versatile, I need to be in that same situation. Not knowing much about keystrokes and using Macs is holding me back a little bit as I try and learn new ProTools at school. The reason why my colleagues and studios use them is because I've heard that the interface on most programs is better. Long story short, it all adds up to me switching.
When you add in the software that I'll need, this switchover will cost me approximately $3,000!
Ouch!
Anyway, this is part of me becoming a professional in my field. Nevertheless, I need to wait and make sure that I get funding for next year before I go and make such an investment, otherwise I wouldn't quite be able to afford to live...
Wow, this post has taken me hours because I've been flitting around on the internet doing absolutely nothing today. Here ends said post.

I went to the big mall in London for the first time today. I did pretty well at first.
I dislike malls, and shopping.
I needed to buy headphones. I've never really owned any - I have a pair of earbuds, but those are especially unsatisfactory now that I am doing sound editing for a score. Anyway, I looked online and it seemed that I could get something decent for between 50-70 bucks. I went to all the places that would have headphones in the mall and I was comparing prices.
I went to one actual music store. They had three choices, 2 that were around the same quality and prices as other stores I looked at. The guy was trying to convince me that I should but the other choice - professional quality studio headphones for a hundred dollars more. Long story short, they were trying to convince me by belittling me for even considering the other ones. Making big purchases makes me nervous and there were like 4 salespeople standing around be all assy and condescending. I had my mastercard out and once she told me the price with tax, I freaked out and decided I couldn't so I apologized and left. I hadn't even left the store and the other salesmen were asking her "what was going on there?".
They were certainly not going to get my business. I went elsewhere and bought a reasonable pair.

I've stepped back into being a pianist.
A small step, but a step nonetheless.

That's all I will do for now - take small steps.

A fellow composer has a piece that he wants to be performed at a concert coming up and I said I would play in it. It is for piano and double bass.
Now that I don't do piano as my mainstay, I think I'm taking the lesson that was thrown at me near the end of my undergrad - Regardless of whether you are professional or amateur, you want to sound like a professional. This is something that I never did while I was attempting to be a professional. I think that I wasn't able to give it my full attention while doing my undergrad perhaps because it was too much for me to handle. Now that I am more aware of my limitations, I think that if I take on only small amounts, I will be able to treat them with the respect and professionalism that they deserve.

While I haven't missed being the pianist I was last year and before, the other day, playing through a Beethoven Sonata, I was reminded of how I do enjoy playing piano.

My roommate and I had a celebratory shot of tequila tonight to celebrate finishing grad funding applications.
It's been weeks now that we've been constantly editing our 2-page write-ups. Trying to fit the plans for and research elements of this degree into one or two pages has not been a fun experience.
It's been a fair while since I actually had to write anything of worth. I did the SSHRC application last year, and I'm not surprised at all that I didn't get the scholarship. At U of M, they had no resources available to me to understand what the scholarship was about, so I didn't really treat it very seriously. This time around, there were presentations on how to write a successful proposal and all of my profs have been open and helpful. Other students, my roommate, profs and my choreographer all helped me to transform the original version into a much more detailed and refined version which I will be submitting tomorrow. Each time I got comments, I basically restructured it and the last few edits have been shifting back and forth based on the editors' views of what the panel will be looking for. Therefore, I am no longer getting commentary on things being unclear or not explained well enough, so I know that it is clear and concise. I took a compromise on the differing views of how I should structure the information and now I am actually happy with it. As I re-read it, I braced myself for finding that huge mistake that would set me back in front of the computer for hours, but I didn't find it.
Anyway, tomorrow it will be out of my hands and I will just have to wait until ca. February to find out the results. I am already nervous.
The value of the scholarships is about 15-17.5 grand - enough that I would be set for living expenses next year and be able to live comfortably. If I don't get either one, I still get the funding I'm receiving this year, but I would prefer more...
Anyway, I had still not really had any ideas for my Piano Trio work up until this weekend and it would be inexcusable to go into my lesson on tuesday with nothing to show for the last 2 weeks, but I had a wonderful creative outburst this weekend and I have something... not much, but something to go on. Now I have direction and it's just a matter of sitting down and working hard at it the next few days and I will have something valuable to show my teacher - well, I hope it will be of value...
I feel like I have more direction in this piece, so now it will just be a matter of actually getting around to writing it and putting it down on paper and then computer.
The Autumn cycle is bringing itself together, I'm getting impatient for the final copyright permission, then I will just unleash myself, but that is the least pressing project at the moment.
The Dance film, I did the newest recording session before the weekend and over the last few days, I started piecing together the session. I'm learning more and more about how to use the technology, so I have lots of new ideas that will make this new edit even better than the first draft. I feel like I will be in a lot better control for this edit. I need to get it done quickly though, that is high up on the list of priorities, and once Tuesday's lesson is done, it moves to priority number 1. It will definitely be done before next weekend and then I think it should be out of my hands, barring slight edits.
Starting next weekend, I'm pushing myself into super-composing mode. I've already been in grad school for over a whole month, I feel like I should have composed a hell of a lot more, so I'm going to make myself do it. Even though my only real focus/project is the piano trio, I will start working on much more. Of course these are words of bravado, but I hope to live up to them.

Zippydoodle, I need to go to bed - long day tomorrow.

People who send things through couriers are assholes. Sure, thanks for whatever you're trying to send me, but fucking send it through Canada Post! At least they can put it in my box or leave it at the post office rather than me having to take three busses to pick up a bloody package, and watch - it'll be a huge box! FiddleSticks!
And the courier people call me and leave these messages trying to belittle me for not having psychically sent her my buzz code and then again for not having a working buzzer!! Fuck you bitches!
If I'm bloody well going to buss out to the airport to pick up my package, it had better be flying on a jet pa-lane!
Couriers only work for people who sit around on their front porches all day waiting for the courier to come - I can't do that, I don't have a porch!

In other news, London is filled with delightful people. I'd say about 60% of the time, even when people exit the bus through the back door, they yell thank you to the driver. They also hold doors open for people.

I'm almost done with SSHRC. I'm going to aim to have it completely finished tomorrow (leaving the option for one more last minute edit). My choreographer today helped me to edit it and gave some super awesome suggestions. My poor Program of Study, it's been revised more times than.... well a lot. I've pretty much taken everyone's advice, so it looks much different every time I fix it up. Luckily everyone who has helped me has been very helpful! HelpityHelp!

Today we spent our class time for Electroacoustic music in the recording studio, I recorded leaves - scratching against each other, crunching, crumbling and having some kind of death match. Also the sounds of a kazoo, diet coke, and duct tape. These are the sounds that I will be using to make a piece of music later in this course.

But don't forget, I hate couriers!

This is a day in my life as a diabetic. This was actually a pretty good day. In an ideal world, my sugars would never have ventured out of the green space, but of course I didn't post the days where it did a lot more.
This technology allows me to see the trends of how my sugars move during the day. For example, you can see that I ate around 11:30am and I must have taken more insulin than I should because it shows my sugars dropping thereafter.
Anyway, I spent a fair bit of time this morning looking at the results from my 6 day stint wearing the Continuous Glucose Monitor and I've learned a fair bit from the experience.

Happy Belated Turkey Day!

This weekend was great. I went to my uncle's house just a few hours away and had a wonderful time. I went to a demolition derby - my first time to anything of the sort. It was amazing - I try to be all fancy and stuff, but the violence and reckless damage is just far to entertaining to ignore!
Thanksgiving dinner was very nice and filling. I got to meet my second cousins (ages 4 and 6) for the first time ever, their mother (my cousin) for the second time ever, and my other cousin for the third time. It's terrible, but living in different provinces seems to have been enough to keep the family from getting to know one another. I hope to be able to change that from here on in.
Today has been an amazingly productive day in terms of creativity. I had found the perfect poem to fit into the Fall Song Cycle and now it is all coming together, at least in the preparatory planning stage. I am still waiting for the copyright permissions on the third poem and then I'll be able to just jump into that one without reservations, but for now I am timidly avoiding it. Anyway, even if I have to find a different poem to replace that one, I know how the cycle will develop and generally how it will work itself out.
I'm now going to work a little bit on some rhythm study for my piano trio piece. That's what my teacher wants me to focus on so I will take his lead and put as much of my resources into it as I can. I realize that my use of rhythm up to now has been primarily mathematical - which can be fine, but I haven't had any reasons for doing so. In seminar/lectures, my prof has spoken a lot about the rhythm of speech and how it is very varied and always interesting. Tonight I shall explore precisely that.

Wow, I claim a new record for non-productivity today. Truly pathetic.
I'm going to give up at this point and just focus on doing the dishes, then at least I'll have accomplished one thing today.

It feels like I'm going to have 2 separate weekends this weekend. I am going to my uncle's house for thanksgiving dinner on Monday. I'm leaving on Sunday morning, but I still have basically a whole weekend before that time even comes.
Tomorrow, I'm going to spend the whole day working on composition. I didn't really have much for my composition lesson this week, so I need to have quite a bit for next lesson (in a week and a half) - it's a matter of getting started on this Piano Trio piece I need to write.
I also need to get a fair bit of conceptual thinking and planning underway for the Autumn piece I am going to write for my friend Andrea. Then there is the matter of finishing the piece for the dance film.
None of these things need to be done by the end of the weekend, but I can feel that I've been sitting on my haunches for long enough, it's time to move ahead.
Right now is definitely the time to be getting inspiration for the Autumn piece, so many leaves and trees changing colour. Actually I'm going to go outside and collect some leaves to record right now. My theory is that if I slow down a recording of a leave crunching, I will get a rhythm that I can use for the piece. I'm not sure if I will be using the actual recorded sound as part of the piece, but who knows.
I'll post about how that turns out!

Not that anyone has shown concern by commenting, but I just wanted to post that I am better today.
I need to do laundry, but that can wait until tomorrow.
I am going to force myself to finish my Program of Study write up tonight to give to my references. I'm doing some big scholarship applications due in 2 weeks and this write-up is a bitch. Basically, it wants me to have drafted up my thesis proposal already.
Anyway, I'm almost done. I did a very rough draft last night and I had a few people read it today. From that I'm reshaping it and then I will send that to my references tonight. I will still improve on it for the next few weeks, but I want to have something presentable for my references.
Anyway, I'm writing it as I write this, so I should focus on that - I'm nearly done.

Ok, I don't really have the time or patience to explain what I'm feeling.
This weekend was good and there's a lot of depth to what went on.

Superficial
The resort was gorgeous, breathtaking view of Lake Musoka from my patio. The food was pretty good and everyone was super grateful for me coming up to show some diabetic results. Meals were pretty good, good company and I got to golf yesterday. I'm a terrible golfer, but the course's beauty made up for my shortcomings.

Only Skin Deep
I got to wear a Continual Glucose Monitor for a few days before the weekend and for a few days yet. What started as a trivialty of knowing my sugars at any moment - simply at the press of a button - became more and more insightful. I started to make use of the information and, dare I say it, I've seen how it can improve my control.

Under My Skin
They brought two diabetics out there so that they could have 'real diabetic' results to look at. The other diabetic is a model patient; his control is impeccable and doctors made comments about 'where can I get patients like that?'. I'm completely supportive of the other guy, but at times it felt a bit like 'good diabetic, bad diabetic'. Mostly, it was bringing to light the fact that he is on the pump and it is allowing him to take such control over his health. Moreso, that I am struggling to do that things that the pump would allow me to do with much more ease.

Into the Depths of My Soul
It all comes down to money, and I know that. I've been convincing myself over the last few years that I can have just as good control without a pump. It is not true. Talking to the other diabetic as well as nurses and doctors, it is painfully obvious that I should be on a pump. Rumour has it that Ontario will soon be covering pumps, meaning that it might be a possibility very soon. Please, don't tease me - you might just as well hold a lollipop in front of a child and then lick it and stick it into their hair so that they would have to rip out their own hair in order to get the candy. I admit my weakness, and I can't convince myself again that a pump is just not worth it, because it is - but I can't afford it.
What's more is the fact that the pump is old technology by now and I still haven't gotten to it. This weekend I wore the CGM and I loved it. I've had a glimpse into how much easier, safer, comfortable life could be. In a day or two more, I have to leave that behind and return to the way I've known for years - only now I have the full picture of how incomplete it is.

I am weak.

I am vulnerable.

I should be excited for the developments and I should be grateful for my opportunity, and I am, but I can't be. But I am. I hurt from the chance of being disappointed.