Ok, I don't really have the time or patience to explain what I'm feeling.
This weekend was good and there's a lot of depth to what went on.

Superficial
The resort was gorgeous, breathtaking view of Lake Musoka from my patio. The food was pretty good and everyone was super grateful for me coming up to show some diabetic results. Meals were pretty good, good company and I got to golf yesterday. I'm a terrible golfer, but the course's beauty made up for my shortcomings.

Only Skin Deep
I got to wear a Continual Glucose Monitor for a few days before the weekend and for a few days yet. What started as a trivialty of knowing my sugars at any moment - simply at the press of a button - became more and more insightful. I started to make use of the information and, dare I say it, I've seen how it can improve my control.

Under My Skin
They brought two diabetics out there so that they could have 'real diabetic' results to look at. The other diabetic is a model patient; his control is impeccable and doctors made comments about 'where can I get patients like that?'. I'm completely supportive of the other guy, but at times it felt a bit like 'good diabetic, bad diabetic'. Mostly, it was bringing to light the fact that he is on the pump and it is allowing him to take such control over his health. Moreso, that I am struggling to do that things that the pump would allow me to do with much more ease.

Into the Depths of My Soul
It all comes down to money, and I know that. I've been convincing myself over the last few years that I can have just as good control without a pump. It is not true. Talking to the other diabetic as well as nurses and doctors, it is painfully obvious that I should be on a pump. Rumour has it that Ontario will soon be covering pumps, meaning that it might be a possibility very soon. Please, don't tease me - you might just as well hold a lollipop in front of a child and then lick it and stick it into their hair so that they would have to rip out their own hair in order to get the candy. I admit my weakness, and I can't convince myself again that a pump is just not worth it, because it is - but I can't afford it.
What's more is the fact that the pump is old technology by now and I still haven't gotten to it. This weekend I wore the CGM and I loved it. I've had a glimpse into how much easier, safer, comfortable life could be. In a day or two more, I have to leave that behind and return to the way I've known for years - only now I have the full picture of how incomplete it is.

I am weak.

I am vulnerable.

I should be excited for the developments and I should be grateful for my opportunity, and I am, but I can't be. But I am. I hurt from the chance of being disappointed.