I met today with my second reader [When writing a thesis, you have an adviser who you work closely with throughout and then a second reader who helps to bring a fresh perspective near the end].  I was actually having doubts about what I would get out of our meeting because he is not a composer.  Boy, was I wrong!

  I've been kinda down lately - stress is affecting so many areas of my life: I feel like I could just sleep all the time, my sugars are out of whack, moodiness and so on.  Someone sent me a hug emoticon yesterday and it made me so sad, because I thought about it, and I don't really have many hug friends here in London, I guess they're just not huggers.  Just thinking about it made me feel sad and lonely.

Today was the turn-around that I needed.  My meeting with the second reader went better than I could have imagined.  Every bit of feedback he gave was so insightful and helpful.  It felt like he was actually spending time on me - our meeting was just shy of an hour and a half!    We basically just walked through the piece and he asked good questions and I explained things as we went along.  During the process, he was very open minded, yet critical.  After we finished, he exclaimed that this was going to really good, then corrected himself to say that it is going to be a 'great piece'!  A few times during the process, while playing some of the things, he made noises of enjoyment and called a few of them 'awesome chords' haha!

  (I'll be honest, I haven't been getting much feedback lately, and so much of the piece has developed since I last got feedback that I was worried about how it would be received, so this was wonderful news)

   Afterwards, I went to the library, hoping to run into someone I knew, and I did - a friend I hadn't seen in a while because we're both so busy.  We checked emails beside each other and chitchatted a bit.  As I said good bye and started turning to leave, I noticed that she was doing something with her arms and torso... 

she was putting arms out for a hug

It was exactly what I needed and it totally made a perfectly awesome day even better!

Wow, time is just flying by.  It really felt like I just blogged yesterday, but it was almost three days ago, well at least over two.

I am SO close to having finished my thesis.  Movements 1 and 4 are COMPLETELY finished and just needing editing and some tweaking, but I would be comfortable if they were performed as they currently exist.

Movement 2 is structurally finished, but it is missing something.  It has a beginning, middle, and end, but it needs that magical thing that leads a path through all of that.

Movement 3 is getting quite close.  There are 2 'paths' that need to be finished.  I know the route and direction of those paths, but I still have to flesh them out - which is more finikky work than I had imagined.

It's frustrating that I know I am so close to being finished, but it still feels so far away.  I am giving myself the deadline of tomorrow evening to get these 'paths' finished.  Then everything will be 'structurally' finished and I can focus on editing and tying up the loose ends.  By that, I mean I need to do dynamics for lots lots lots of it...

Tomorrow, I am meeting with my pianist.  She has had the score for enough time that she will have some feedback, questions, critiques and whatever else.  Hopefully, she will be able to play even parts of sections so that I can coach and make sure things are on track.  I am excited for this, and I'm hoping it will be a good experience!

The next day, I am meeting with my second reader who will also be able to give me some helpful feedback.  He is not a composer, rather a pianist with a specialty in contemporary repertoire.  I don't know what to expect, but all of my conversations with him have been really thought provoking, so I know it will be a good experience.

The photo shoot wasn't exactly what I was expecting, but I didn't know what to expect.  Anyway, I didn't get to see any of the proofs before I left, and since the studio was doing so many photos (staff AND all the performance troupes) they just pick the best one from each set, so I won't get a choice.  I really wasn't feeling that photogenic today when I woke up with two little zits.  Goddam! What, am I in high school again?!?  Oh no, in high school it was much worse, haha!  Anyway, I was in and out within a few minutes, but I stuck around and gabbed a bit and ate a banana chocolate chip muffin that one of the moms baked.  Likely, it won't have been worth my time, but I'll wait until I see the delightful fluffy-cloud background.  That's right, they had a fluffy-cloud and blue-sky background...

I wore in my new wine glasses this weekend.  I wasn't drinking completely alone, so the Little Penguin Shiraz is now gone and the Pinot Noir is well on it's way.

I had been doing SO well with productivity, but this weekend I got a visit from my old friend... unavoidable procrastination!  I've felt so guilty, which makes it even worse.

As it stands, my goal to have the concerto structurally complete tonight is not going to happen.  I've been making some key decisions, so I know what I need to do, but it has been like pulling teeth to get any of it down on the computer.

I had the oddest dream last night, or this morning.. it was right before waking up:

details are fuzzy, but it was the day I had to submit to the conductor and I still wasn't done.  I was at Unicity Mall (a mall from my childhood) as it existed when I was still in middle/elementary school.  I don't remember much else, but I know Dolly Pardon was there and she kindly declined my pleading for her to drive me to the school so I could submit on time...

Ya - that makes no sense, but oh well - that's a dream for you!

Nevertheless, Dolly and I must have been talking about the piece because when I woke up, I went straight to the computer and made the edits that Dolly and I had apparently talked about.

Even in my sleep, there is no escaping this thesis.

I talked to my sister on the phone today, after she drunk dialed me last night at about 1 am.  It was wonderful, she showed a keen interest in what I am working on and we actually had an intelligent conversation about it.  I taught her a lot about the orchestra and how composers can begin to combine the instruments thereof to make different sound qualities.  While other people in my family have tried to be interested, they've lacked the necessary knowledge-base to even begin explaining some of the things I've been working on.

Ok, now for a productive rest of the evening!

Wine-o

Things are much better in life than my rantiness would have led you to believe last post.  I made it to the LCBO on Friday afternoon.  The weather was absolutely beautiful - over 15 above whereas it was below zero the previous days.  It was a big day for buying things of varying excitingness. 

I bought:

Toilet paper

Gillette Clinical Strength Antiperspirant

A pair of stemless Riedel wine glasses, specially designed for Shiraz/Syrah.

A bottle of Amaretto

A bottle of my favourite Portuguese wine - A Bairrada made by Allianca

A bottle of the standard Little Penguin Shiraz

A bottle of Pinot Noir by Cono Sur

In conclusion, I spent a fair chunk of money.  I tried on pants, but decided against it.

I was informed today that my work, the ballet studio, is having staff head shots taken tomorrow.  My boss said I would be able to use the headshot for my own use as well as just for the studio- so hopefully I will get a digital copy so I can use it online and whatnot.

I came home and played dress-up a little bit and I found the perfect combination, until I change my mind tomorrow morning heading out the door.   I'm opting for a shirt and jacket, no tie and with the top button undone - I don't want it to be too formal or informal.

Grrr, Mumbly!

Why does this motherfucking town of London, Ontario suck so much!?!?! GAH! ANGER!

6 freaking pm - why does everything need to close?!?

I suppose I could have gone in the afternoon, but I didn't want to.  Who would think that the liquor store AND the pharmacy would be closed when the sun hasn't even gone down yet!!

WHat if I had an evening of drinking and debauchery planned tonight? I would end up ashamed, sober, and ridden with syphilis and crabs!

Alas, my life is not so exciting as to have such plans.

Nevertheless, I am quite disappointed.  I even rifled through the closet to find the special liquor-bottle bag which is built extra strong for carrying multiple bottles of wines and spirits.

Instead of drinking and debauchery, I was planning on stocking up on wine and getting new deodorant, but those plans have been kaiboshed!

This morning, after teaching, I bought groceries and then made bruschetta when I got home.  I bought a single bulb of garlic and I was shocked at how cheap it was - only 10 cents!  That means that I only spent 2 cents to have fresh garlic in my bruschetta.

I had dinner tonight with my academic counterpart - the other MMus Composition student.  We bonded over the amount of work left to do on our theses and enjoyed some high-class mexican food.

Earlier today, I read an email from a former academic counterpart who is doing her MMus in Composition at my home university in Manitoba.  I feel much less overwhelmed by the work I have to do because she has so much more to do.  I'm jealous of how much she's gotten to write, but I'm glad I'm not currently in her shoes.

I handed over the score to my pianist today.  I gave her a quick walk-through and demonstration of some of the stuff in the new movements.  In previous experiences, I've learned that being stressed out about something in the presence of the performer is NOT a good idea.  Today I was relaxed and collected and I think it helped.  There is little over a month before the performance, so time is not going to be her friend.  Nevertheless, she is a strong performer and I am confident that she will do my piece justice!

This evening, I've been a little slack - I've done some editing, finished adding the text into the fourth movement and I'm going to head to bed significantly earlier than other days this week.  I don't like being tired when I have to teach at 9:30am, so I won't let that happen tomorrow.

Goodnight!

I'm actually getting to sleep earlier than I thought tonight, at 2 am!

While my thesis doesn't need to be handed in for another  12 days, my pianist needs to start learning it and she can only pick it up tomorrow before 3pm and since I teach tomorrow, that means I need to have it ready before I go to sleep.  

I knew I wouldn't have the whole thing done... obviously, but I wanted to make sure there was enough content for her to learn.

The first and fourth movements are pretty much complete and the hardest and most important parts of the other movements are in good condition for the piano part.  I can't see there being too much new material for her to learn after the final submission, so she can get a really good start now.

In other news, there is still SO much work to do and SO many decisions to be made!

Note to self:

If you play for a ballet class over a period of 6 months and still don't know the names of the students, do not allow them to become aware of this fact.

Reasons:

-Who'da thought... the egos of teenagers are bruised when they discover that you haven't even learned their name, "but I know YOUR name..."

-This gives them many tangents on which to go off and talk about during the class and any hopes at discipline during said class are ruined.

-They all suddenly and loudly tell you their names, expecting that this is the magical day when you will finally figure out their names.

In conclusion,  traditional ballet pianists sit behind the piano and only occasionally draw attention to themselves - they are happy to never be noticed so that they can read their favourite magazines between exercises.  While I've avoided that so far, maybe there is rhyme and reason to that approach...

I guess I should update on what I mentioned the other day:

I was able to be super detailed with carb counting and post-prandials for part of a day a few days ago and the results were inconclusive, however I couldn't focus any longer on it.  I've been consistent and accurate with my carb counting since and I've been having unexplained rises during the late morning.  I'm not sure if this is the dawn phenomena getting stronger or what, so I will fast tomorrow and see what happens.

Or, from my last post, this could be attributable to stress.  For those of you who are diabetics on a pump out there, do you change basals for a period of stress?  It's effected me differently on different days, so I'm a little weary, but I'm thinking I can't let it keep hiking my sugars for much longer.

Mumbly mumbly mumbly GAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm going to try to not swear, cause I typed enough to other people already.

I shouldn't complain because things are going pretty well, but I'm stressed and pissy and gah mumbly!

There is so much work left on my thesis, and I need to get the pianist's copy to her on Wednesday and it won't be anywhere near finished, and it's going to be a race to the finish line to get things finished for the conductor's deadline of the 16'th, but there's no moving that deadline so it's just going to happen.

  It's just pissing me off because I know what I want to happen, and I even have most of the musical material to make it happen, but I'm having major issues making it actually happen.

Calm blue ocean, calm blue ocean!

I need to just stay focused.

I need to stop blogging, this is taking away valuable productivity time!

And with that said, I'm going out for dinner with a friend - yay for counterproductive time use!

That's what I love about procrastination; even though you know it's for the worst and it won't help you whatsoever, it is entirely appealing!

Nevertheless, I will probably accomplish more before dinner than I have over the last few hours!

I've been pretty much married to my computer lately.  The thesis has been coming along quite well.  I'm constantly shifting between moments of feeling that things are moving along on target, then a few minutes later I feel like I'm so far behind and there's just so much work left to do.  I try and ignore both of these feelings, and just take the positive influence they have on me - either reinforcing or scaring me into productivity!

My sugars have been really wonky the last few days.  At first I thought I might need some basal adjustments, but it is a possibility that I've been too lax in my carb counting and calculations.  I'm going to be really organized today and write things down if they continue to go astray so that I can look for patterns.

I did the tally the other day of how much water I drank.

Generally, you're supposed to drink about 8 cups of water a day, as a guideline.

I had about 11 glasses of water, but each of those averaged about 1 and a third cups, so I drank about 14 or 15 cups of water.

I didn't tally the number of times I went tinkle, I'll save that for another day.

[Yes, I do use the work 'tinkle' even though I'm a grown man]

Generally, the pump is working well.  Nevertheless, it changes day to day; I'm assuming that stress causes a huge variation in my insulin needs.  I don't think it's the pump, because my sugars are responding properly, it just takes a lot more insulin, so maybe it's absorption.  For example, the last 2 infusion sets worked as follows:

Infusion set 1 worked great for almost two days, then it seemed like I needed SO much insulin.  I sucked it up for the remaining day and a bit, expecting the next infusion set would set things straight.  The new site didn't fix it, in fact it got a little worse.  After a whole day of sucking, my sugars started to plummet back to the happy place, but I spent the next half day over-treating highs and lows.  I'm hesitant to change basals or even carb ratios because it seems to change at the drop of a hat.

I'm currently basking in my daily 3pm sunshine.  Ok, so it's only been yesterday and today, but all day today was bleak until 3pm - and for this last half hour, it's been delightfully warm on my face.  I generally don't like the light of the sun, but the way I'm facing, I'm not blinded - only warmed by the sunshine!

I finished writing the piano solo, or cadenza of my concerto's third movement and now I'm editing it and adding dynamics.  This is the central and most important material in the movement, so I'm glad to have it finished-ish.

It's not really a cadenza though... I'm starting to re-think whether or not this is even a concerto.  It does feature the opposition of piano (soloist) and orchestra, but 'concerto' is such a loaded term - it might be for the best to change the name, especially thinking ahead to my thesis defense.  

I just had an epiphany :

I spend the majority of my time creating things that largely go unnoticed.

Blogging - I might have a few readers, at most...

Composing - Even if I become successful, the classical music world is quite small.

Even in diabetes, it is such an invisible thing.  The rest of the world can't tell if my sugars are perfect, if they're through the roof, or if they're plummeting.  

This epiphany won't change anything, at least not at the moment.  I will continue to do exactly what I do.  Perhaps when I have more time, I'll put more thought into whether that means that the world can do without the things I do, or whether I need to put more effort into getting them noticed.

Are they even worth being noticed?  Blogging - probably not.  Composing - I would hope so.

Diabetes - I hope it never becomes noticeable.

I guess, today I just feel small.

I think I must have a less than ideal infusion site right now.  It's amazing how the amount of insulin I use daily can change so dramatically.  The other possibility is that I'm not keeping track of my stress eating...  The cookies I bought recently do seem to be disappearing faster than they should.

Ok, I've decided that tomorrow I'm going to try to keep a tally of how many glasses of water I drink and then calculate how many liters that amounts to.  I figure you can't drink too much water, but my bladder and water bill (which we don't actually have to pay) probably wouldn't agree.

Today at work, I had to be far more alert than I normally do to accompany ballet classes.  The reason was that I actually had to TEACH ballet class!  My boss was swamped with paperwork today, so she asked if I would be willing to do some music classes for the last few hours of the work day.  I accepted and the children were stuck with me!

To be honest, I was kind of blind sided; having no prior notice, I had to figure out what to do on the spot.  It wasn't as easy as I thought it would be.....

Think back to when you were 6-10 years old and you had a substitute teacher at school - remember how the entire class was on its 'best behavior'?  I pulled out some of my best disciplinarian tactics, but they were still little devils!

On the plus side - I came up with a really great creative movement exercise:

We talked about High and Low, as well as Fast and Slow pairings and how they existed in both music and dance.  [If you ever want to hear the most delightful noise in the world... simply ask a class of fifteen eight-year-old girls to make a really loud high sound, ie shrieking!]  They really enjoyed this exercise and responded really well to what I was playing for them.  I also added another layer of volume, but there was a little confusion and at that point they were just excited to flail about the room, vaguely listening to the piano....

Anyway, the teaching was fun and I hope to do it again, particularly with some of the older groups - the relationship of dance and music has been my expertise for the last few years and I see that they are missing a few of the key connections with their musicality - something I really want to address.

Productivity has been slowing down.

Bad Michael, Bad!

There was the most delightful argument on the street in front of my apartment a little while ago.  There are about three separate bus stops within a stone's throw and there is an awkward little quasi loading zone in between some of them.  It's not marked 'no parking' or 'loading zone' so you can pretty much do what you desire there.  Many people use it to pick up their Indian Food from the restaurant below me.  Anyway, a bus was within inches of the bumper of the car which I can only assume had quickly stopped in that area.  The bus driver must have been quite angry, having expected to have just pulled up to the spot.  Being that close to the bumper, the bus would have had to have backed up, but I think he expected the car to move for him.  There was honking first and then swearing and yelling and people standing around until the car's driver told off the bus driver and squealed his tires as he pulled away.

I love living downtown!

I went through and deleted about 35 friends from my facebook account.  I kept the people that 1) I like and want to keep in touch with or b) are valuable networking commodities.  It was odd, kind of like I was telling each person I deleted that I didn't like them and that they weren't even worth anything to my career.  There were also some people who I didn't even remember - which isn't completely odd with a memory like mine, but I suppose with nearly 500 'friends', it's hard to keep track of everyone.

Even as I was going through, there were a lot of London, Ontario people who I pre-selected to delete, but not today.  When I leave London, I will clear my list of those people as well!

It's sick that friendship/acquaintanceship can be given such a tangibility in the online world.

In the real world, I would have and indeed HAVE forgotten about many of these people - their disappearance from my consciousness took no effort whatsoever, but online one must turn it into a conscious decision.

I've always been taught to never burn my bridges, so it was actually difficult to set so many fires today, but I think it was worth it.

The thesis is really coming together these days.  I have the feeling that things are falling into place.  I'm not a big fate-person, but I'm getting lots of hints that things are meant to be a certain way.  Either that, or I have way under-credited my subconscious.

Forgive the technicality of what I'm about to write, but hopefully it will be clearish.

Basically the first thing I did with the concerto was to decide on two contrasting pitch groups.  There are 12 pitches in an octave, so 2 groups of 6 were chosen.  At some point before starting the other movements, I decided I needed some kind of large-scale pitch organization; I decided that with 4 movements, there should be 4 equal distances between the movements - therefore (12/4=3) I would transpose the pitch sets up 3 semi-tones with each movement.

Recently, I decided that I wanted to quote a famous piano concerto, and which better than the Tchaikovsky Piano Concerto!  I've been meaning to get the score from the library, but haven't gotten around to it; today I realized that I have a copy on my computer.  The part I want to quote is in D-flat major. 

  The part I want to quote ties into the opening theme of my concerto - while it is not tonal, it fits close enough to an E-major scheme.  The quotation will happen in the fourth movement...

Movement 1 - E Major

Movement 2 - G Major

Movement 3 - B-flat Major

Movement 4 - can you guess...?!?

D-flat Major!  It must be a sign from the gods!

In another way, that feels more directly connected to me, I feel that the material of my concerto is bringing itself together.  I gave myself the challenge of using as few materials as possible for this concerto:

-2 pitch collections, each with a theme attached

-the rhythm and contour of the text and the structure of the poem.

That's basically it - all the musical material in it has been created using only those little seedlings.  I was prepared to and really thought that I was going to need to add things in and create new material left and right, but so far I haven't.  This quotation will be the first 'new' material, and even at that, it fits one of the pitch groups!

Ok, now to do the opposite - dinner, where I will take many many ingredients and turn them into some clump of dinner that tastes rather unexciting!

Toronto fun times.

So far, this has been a great trip to Toronto.

My meeting with my adviser was great and he made the offer that if I get a lot done and want another meeting before heading home, I just need to call.  I haven't written too much since then, but I still have a few days and who knows what productivity I will accomplish.

Friday night I went for drinks with some friends from Winnipeg.  We drank so much and stayed at the pub for so long - it was entirely delightful!  I spent far too much money, but oh well - it was well worth it.

I managed to make it to a piano recital today by the pianist who is playing my concerto.  I didn't think I was going to be able to make it, but I did; it is wonderful when things in life just come together in the right way.

Speaking of performances, there is a show tomorrow night with one of the improv faculty from the program I did last summer.  I plan on meeting a Toronto friend and seeing the show while catching up.

In diabetes-land, I did the new infusion site in my other arm today; it went SO much better.  I would actually say it was a perfect site change.  My sugars were good before, so they didn't skyrocket as soon as I changed and then absorption today has been good.

I bought huge manuscript paper yesterday from the downtown music store.  London doesn't keep the manuscript stacks in stock, so I couldn't physically hold them and compare.  I spent at least 10 minutes looking and comparing the larger types.  I am testing out one of them right now - lots of room on the manuscript paper is great for sketching things.

Metal pokey things don't like me today.

2 separate things that didn't go so well today:

1) I have an endocrinologist appointment next week, so I went to get blood taken today.  The lab tech poked around inside my left arm for a fair while, almost enough to make me mildly queasy, but it didn't bother me.  Eventually she gave up and asked if I had ever had it taken from my hand.  This took me back to the olden days!  Up until I was about 18, they took the blood from the back of my hand with a butterfly needle.  It filled me with warm fuzzies.  But no!  Rather than the back part of my hand where they were always successful, she shot the needle right above my index knuckle - it's dark and a little bit bruisy.

2)I had been wanting to try a new infusion site for a while - the arm!  I couldn't up until now because the tubing seemed just not quite long enough - it could reach from my arm to my pocket, but not if I reached for anything...  In my latest shipment of medical supplies, I got the longer tubing set - not just a bit longer, but nearly twice as long... I'm dangling a fair bit!

Anyway, some things are difficult to do with one hand - clapping, tying shoes, etc.  Well, inserting an infusion set is DEFINITELY one of those things!  It doesn't help that I was using the more difficult of the two infusion sets - with the Silhouette, you can't remove the adhesive backing before using the insertion device like you can with the Quick-set.  If you try, the stickiness gets stuck to the device and that's hard to fix even with both hands!

I got it all set up and the insertion went fine, but then I had trouble removing the set from the device.  Trying to remove it was a terrible mess, I was accidentally moving the needle all around inside my arm...  I got frustrated and pulled it out and reinserted it by hand.  Much better, BUT then I was having trouble taking the adhesive backing off with only one hand - all of this is taking place on the back of my left arm.  The tugging at the set to get the backing off was, once again, not appreciated by my arm.

Long story short, I got it in and stuck!  It is a little tender, but oh well.

My sugars were a little higher than they should have been before putting in the new set, so of course my sugars sky-rocketed after the first bolus...  The sugars are moving down, giving evidence that the insulin IS working, but not as fast or effectively as I would like.  Nevertheless, I have no ketones and I'm comfortable going to bed with it in. 

After all that hassle, I'm damn well not wasting this one until it has proven itself useless!

I'll be leaving EARLY Friday morning to go into Toronto for business and pleasure.  I have a meeting with my thesis adviser and then I will be visiting with wonderful friends for the rest of the weekend.  I'm not sure how long I will be staying - it will depend on how inspiring and invigorating I find Toronto to be this time around.

The thesis is coming along.  I finished some of those ground-work chunks and I've been doing some of the creative stuff the last few days.  It isn't as immediately rewarding as I had hoped, but it is still getting better.

A Formerly Uncommon Occurrence

The following image might be disturbing, but I think it is delightful!

In case you haven't figured it out, these are three of the fingers from my left hand:

index, middle and ring

You may be wondering, 'oh no, why is Mr. Left Middle-Finger bleeding'?

Don't be worried my friends, he bleeds quite a bit, and he doesn't mind one bit. 

Because of diabetes, my fingers have bled quite a bit more than the average persons' fingers.

Multiple times a day, I have to prick one of my fingers with a lancing device so that I can test my blood sugar.  In an ideal world, every diabetic would cycle through both hands - each finger would bleed only once every 10 tests.  It can be even further varied by changing where on the finger to poke - meaning the right side of Mr. Left Middle-Finger would bleed only once every 20 tests!

  I remember a time when I only tested about 5 times a day - that would mean that Mr. Left Middle-Finger only bled once or twice a week!

  Times have changed and Mr. Left Middle-Finger is one of my favourite fingers to prick.  Also, because of the strict regimen I was on the last few months, I was testing upwards of 15 times a day.  Mr. Left Middle-Finger bled a lot.

The scene you see above used to be quite the special event.  With the smallness of the hole that is made, the blood clots very quickly and within a second, it's healed - Halleluja!  Sometimes, however, it's still hurting on the inside.  There are two basic ways of expressing this inner turmoil:

1) Pictured above is the classic double-bleeder.  One drop of blood forms from the new puncture wound, and another forms from a previous puncture.  Because the punctures are quite small, you need to squeeze the blood out - the blood will find any available exits, even ones which were partially closed.

2)The sprayer - Sometimes, the hole is not big enough, or a previous hole only opens a little, but there is still a fair amount of force trying to get the blood out.  The same force coming out of a little exit causes a fine stream of blood to spatter a fair distance.  On occasion, I don't even notice until I find a spattering of blood on my glasses or white dress shirt...

That's all for now.  I hope you enjoyed the picture.  Today has been a special day filled with fun and excitement..  Laundry and sitting around in my pajamas!  

Yesterday I got some good news - the phone meeting I was had with my pump nurse was to be the last.  She said that things were looking good enough that it isn't necessary to continue sending her sugars.  I have a follow-up appointment with her in March, so I get a one-month vacation, which could not come at a better time.  I'll have to remind myself that this is not just a chance to let everything go to shit, but it will be great to take some of the focus away from diabetes and be a little bit more obsessive with my thesis.

My feelings towards the thesis still haven't changed since yesterday - I've finished another task, but haven't had the chance to take that task and apply it.  There are still too many individual tasks that I need to finish.  Today I have no class and no real plans, so I will just write write write and finish a bunch of tasks.  Oh ya, I have to do laundry, which means I'll have to leave the apartment to buy quarters...

Nothing really to report this weekend.

Composition is going slowly - I feel like there is just so much ground work to do before I can really get to the creative work.  Nevertheless, I have a clear understanding of what I want the rest of the piece to be like, so the groundwork is focused and efficient.  

I really wish I could work faster on this groundwork, because it isn't that involved, but I'm having difficulty maintaining focus.  With that said, I'm glad that I'm still getting a fair bit done daily - even while I describe it as less than ideal.  Last year, when I was feeling this unproductive, it was because I was getting NOTHING done.  These are definitely steps in the right direction!

Indeed, my sugars have been MUCH better yesterday and today.  It appeared to have been a bad infusion set, but I refused to change it since I had ended the previous one a day early.

I'm going to spend a little time next weekend in Toronto.  I have a meeting with my thesis adviser, I'll hang out with one of my long-time readers, and there's an on-line, yet real-life pharmacy there that sells insulin pump supplies for a remarkable savings.  What costs $205 through the manufacturer only costs $175, or $150 from this pharmacy.  This will bring my diabetes related costs down to the level at which I'm receiving funding for it, which means I won't be spending as much out-of-pocket money on my health.

All things are looking up these days:

I've been productive with writing.

I bought nasal spray, so my nose is feeling much happier.

With the sugars down, I feel less stressed, even though it is still there.

Yep, that's all I got for now.

I'm not really enjoying life today.

My sugars have been really high the last few days, only coming down for brief periods.  I have no keytones, so it's not like my pump isn't working.  They're coming down as we speak - I just plan on not eating for the next few days so that they won't go up again.... Really, if I could do it, I would.

High sugars really make me angry - unbelievably angry!  I want to punch and kick and cry and scream and Argh!  all at the same time!

Other things that add to this feeling are:

Stress - thank you thesis completion month!

Tension - my jaw hates me right now.  Also, on the bus home tonight, I was seriously contemplating the idea of getting an emergency deep-tissue massage tomorrow, but I don't have the time or money for that.

Speaking of, FUCK! due to a smaller than normal paycheque from the dance studio and not getting paid for the extra TAing I did this last month, I have $2.69 to last me the next month.  Thank goodness (and capitalism) for my credit card.

A piece of mine is being performed at a studio recital this weekend.  I went this evening to hear the dress-rehearsal.  Not surprisingly, it was not terribly well-rehearsed, so they were working on staging it and finding notes.  Oh well!  I'm happy with the concept of what they're doing with it, and I'm sure they'll pull it together for Saturday, because I would really really like this recording to turn out well.  The pianist had another obligation halfway through, so I got to sit in at the piano for the second half.  It went well and it reminded me that I want to get back to playing more and accompanying.

In other news - I have the driest fucking nose imaginable!  I never thought that my nose could cause me so much pain, but WOW!  It's constantly bloody, but dried blood which irritates the inside of my painful little nostrils.  Anyway, I bought a humidifier which I've had running yesterday and today.  I haven't noticed a difference yet though.  I want a difference.  I tried moisturizing the inside of my nostrils with a q-tip and some lotion, but then it feels like I have a constant runny nose and then it's hard to not blow out all the lotion into a kleenex.

Anyway, I hate the world just a bit right now, but it's ok, I don't really.

My life indeed has direction!

Since finishing my applications for grad school, which wasn't that long ago, I've been in a bubble of uncertainty - having no guarantees about what might happen.  As small as it may have been, there was a tiny fear in the back of my head, 'what would I do if I didn't get accepted to any of the programs'?

Today I got an email from the dean of one of the schools to which I applied.  It stated that they've recommended me for acceptance into the Doctoral program.  Basically, it means that I'm in.  This Dean wants to talk to me on the phone to ask a few questions and answer any that I may have.

My initial thoughts:

-super happiness

-I'm not even thinking about making decisions because I want to hear from all the schools, but this gives me that comfort feeling!

-This school's application deadline was yesterday and I got the email today; also, he said that they were 'impressed by [my] music' - how awesome does that make me feel!?!

-Damnit, this has distracted me and I have so much work to do today, tomorrow, and for the next 5 weeks!  Eek!

Happy Friday!

Lots of things today:

-My last day of teaching Sight Singing. It was nice while it lasted, but it's really been eating away at my work time.

-I got my first ADP(Assistive Devices Program) cheque in the mail today.  Being new to the pump, I made some mistakes which meant I needed to change infusion sets more than I will now regularly need to, I've also been testing over 10 times each day... at a dollar a strip, that $300 is not even covered by the ADP, let alone the extra costs of pump supplies.  Long story short, this money is very much needed at this time! 

-I talked to my nurse today and she informed me that I should be correcting my sugars.  This has been a major miscommunication... Apparently the 'don't correct unless you are over 14mmol' thing was only meant to be heeded for the first 2 weeks...  While this information would have made my life a lot more comfortable this last month, I am accepting the news with unbridled happiness!

-We're having a retro potluck this weekend; I am making fruit punch!  Only problem was that I didn't have a ladle, a punch bowl, or enough glasses.  I went to the Bargain Shop today and was happy to get a big plastic bowl for $2.98, a ladle for $1.68.  I was sad that I couldn't find plastic cups, but I was extra delighted to find an 18-piece set of glassware for only $3.74!  I was expecting to get it home and find that 5 of them were broken, but no - perfection!

Ok, Something I didn't make time to bitch about yesterday....

I am justified in bitching, but the bottom line is that my license had actually expired already, once again, that information would have been really helpful and would have saved me money, time and heartache.  Nevertheless, I hadn't checked the exact date it expired, assuming it was the very end of the month.  The only place in London that can do an inter-provincial license exchange is way out, where the sun doesn't shine and the busses don't quite go.  It would have been over a 30-minute walk after a 35-minute bus ride.  I figured it was more efficient to convince a friend of mine to drive me there, with the lure of buying him lunch.

Ok, so the money spent on lunch and the wasted time were my fault, BUT I'm still justified.  

  Even if my license hadn't already expired, I would still be sans-license because of the stupid Manitoba 2-part license crap!  They needed a 2 year clean driving record which could have been shown from a license that was older than 1 year and 11 months - the age of my "New and Unimproved" 2=part Manitoba shit license.  Also, if it were a one-piece license, I would have known exactly when it expired because it would say that instead of having to peel the paper from the plastic.  Anyway, stupid Manitoba licenses!

Out of spite, I don't want to ever have to go back to the London Ontario licensing place, but I'm wondering if I should wait until I am next in Manitoba to renew, or if I should just pay for an abstract and get an Ontario one anyway.

Yuck.  Oh ya, I didn't mention that the Ontario licensing place is completely privatized!  It's not even a government thing; the place was called DriveTest.  On the other hand, it is cheaper in Ontario.... 75$ for 5 years instead of 65 or whatever the price is per year in Manitoba...

I think I'll get an abstract from Manitoba and then when my parents come here for the concert, I'll get them to drive me out there so I can drive while they're here!  Other than that, I don't need to drive.

-Wow, I'm rambling.  Goodbye!

Reading today!

Today was the reading of the first two movements of my Thesis.

All in all, the reading was pretty good and I got some valuable information.  There isn't really anything that I want to throw away or change completely, rather it gives me a good idea of areas that need some fixing, or changing notation so it will be clearer.

Generally, everyone did a really good job of sight reading, though I'll admit that the reading was asking a lot of the piano soloist.  There will be much more time for learning before the actual performance.

At this point, I'm going to make a few notational changes to the first movement, and then I'll be done with it - moving on to the remainder of the piece.  I have now developed a really clear concept of the last movement, so it's a matter of filling it in.

I took a little bit of this evening off completely from thesis work.  I read through some music at the piano: some delightful spanish music by Albeniz, pieces I played years ago (and shouldn't have tortured my roommate by trying to play through them again...), and just some random sight reading.  I also watched my new favourite Canadian television show - Being Erica while knitting.  Oh, I had gone on a quick power walk before that to get my metabolism in gear...  My sugars were sitting way up high in the stratosphere at 18.8 mmol and I had taken insulin to get them down, but I knew sitting around watching t.v. wasn't going to help them come down.  30 minutes later, I was home and tested my sugars at 11.3 mmol!  I've been watching them closely as they will still be coming down for a little while yet.

They call it a rage bolus -when you take way more insulin than you know you need so that the sugars will come down faster.  I used to do this rather recklessly years ago when my diabetes control was much less scientific.  The problem was that it would start dropping so quickly that I'd be super hungry and I'd need to eat to stave off a low - I'd invariably eat too much and then my sugars would rise back up again - not quite as much, but to a silly level nonetheless.  Nowadays, I basically take a pre-bolus.  That's when I know I'll be eating within an hour or two, so I take the correction and the meal bolus together and then give it a head start before eating. 

[I'm not advising any other diabetics to do this.  I am not a doctor - I'm just reporting on what I've done with my own care]

Ideally, I eat the food once my sugars have come down a fair bit, but with some leeway so that the remaining insulin is used up by the food.

Tonight, it was a rage bolus, but I'm going to justify it by figuring out how much insulin is still acting, and having a snack to counteract that remainder!

Mumbly mumbly, enough said.

Motivation to get my thesis done on time!

  Today, my sister confirmed that she got the time off of work and she bought her ticket to fly to London for the performance of my thesis.  My parents will also be driving halfway across the country to attend the event.

It bothers me that they will be making such a huge trip, and they will be seeing the performance in what is just a glorified classroom.  Nevertheless, I am very excited that they will be coming.  My sister has never been able to attend any performances of my music, mostly because there's been very little outside of the university environment, so it means a lot that she is willing to come so far to attend.  At the very least, it means that 3 people are making a huge investment of time and money - and I owe it to them to have the very best prepared.

I finished cueing, editing and printing parts tonight for the reading.  A little behind my imposed schedule, yes, but I'm actually caught up to my post-it-note schedule - for a few days, ish.

If I can write another movement before Jan29'th, then I'd be perfectly on schedule, but I'm not seeing that as a realistic goal.

Ok, enough rambling tonight.

I haven't shampooed my hair since the day I got my haircut - a week.  As a result, my hair has become dull and flat.  I've always had straight hair, but never flat; it's lost all of it's volume.  While I don't want to have oily hair anymore, I don't want this!  I'm going to shower and shampoo my hair in about 10 minutes and I'm going to start a cycle of shampooing every 3 days.  I hope I haven't screwed things up - I always liked the way my hair looked, just not the oiliness.  

While I had finished my reading score and handed it in on Thursday morning, I have still not finished the parts.  This is the problem with working really well to deadlines - the deadlines of others are far more convincing than the ones that one sets for him or herself.  I had told myself to get them done on Friday so I would be finished, but in reality, they aren't due until Tuesday before the reading.

Anyway, I will finish that up today and get the scores bound; I've wasted enough time already.

I've been flip-flopping a lot on how I feel about the reading.  I feel like I did not prepare enough and could have put a lot more information into the score.  I also am on the verge of making large-scale unwarranted judgement calls on the piece, simply because I haven't heard it yet.  I also haven't met with my adviser in a long time, so I'm craving some outside opinion.  I am a little scared of the fact that he has never seen any of the second movement, and it will be played at the reading.  I am also a little anxious that he might not be able to make it to the reading, not that that would be the worst thing ever, but he knows more about working with a conductor and general practical concerns.  Anyway, in the end I'm really looking forward to hearing some things and learning about whether or not they work.

The pump is getting noticeably better all the time.  I am currently trying out a new infusion site in the side/back of my left thigh.  I suppose this could be referred to as one's "nass".  Luckily, I picked the right section of the nass, so I'm not sitting on it or bumping it much.  Today, the absorption seems to be good, whereas last night it took even longer than normal for the absorption to start.  That was likely because my sugars were high to begin with, so I won't hold it against this site in particular.

I've been drinking alcohol more often lately, so that has been interfering with sugars as well.

In other news, I'm now finally officially feeling like a grad student.  I make just barely enough money to live off of, this means that when I want to go out and party or spend money, in theory, I have to make adjustments to everything else.  Unfortunately, I have been bad at that this last year and I have opted to not make the necessary adjustments.  Macbook, holiday travel, drinking and eating out more than I should have left me where I am today - finally experiencing student debt.  On one hand, this is terrible for me - I had always been relatively in control of my money and debt was a very minor presence.  On the other hand, that was when I lived at home while attending undergrad; every friend I knew who lived away from home had a huge debt load after undergrad, and my worst-case-scenario debt this year still pales in that comparison.  For the rest of this year, I'm going to smarten up and fly right.

I'd still say I'm a pretty happy-go-lucky guy, but nowhere near as much as I used to be.  Stress has definitely made a home for itself in my life.

This week is a week of deadlines.  Yesterday, I had to get the piano part to my pianist so she can learn it for the reading in a week today; this meant I had to finish the piano part.  I spent the entire morning and afternoon at the computer to finish it, and on the bus to take it to her, I noticed mistakes and things that I need to change.  I ended up rewriting an entire section last night and re-delivered it to her today.

It was so hard to focus on just the piano part when there is so much to do with the orchestra, but now I get to focus on the orchestra because the deadline to get the score to the conductor is Thursday.  Today and tomorrow will be two more days of intense writing so that I make the best use of the reading session.

With stress, comes even more erratic eating habits, which I didn't quite notice until I got an email from my pump nurse yesterday saying that she couldn't use any of the information I had sent her from the previous week because it was too speckled with snacking and drinking and general randomness.  On the bright side, she said we're getting quite close with the pumping so I should just buckle down - if I can eat just three solid meals a day and get the appropriate blood glucose readings to go along, we should be able to finalize things this week, maybe.  We are both getting quite apologetic; she fears that she's being an annoyance, while I fear that I'm taking up too much of her time.  We both need to do this for a little longer and then things will be all good, I just hope that I haven't overstayed my welcome as a new pump trainee.

Ooh, I almost forgot to mention.  Every time I get a haircut, I think about not shampooing my hair for a while so that I can methodically slow down the oil production of my scalp.  Without fail, I last a day or two and then I start shampooing daily again.  This time, I thought to put my shampoo under the bathroom sink, so I won't be able to shampoo, even if I want to.  I still rinse my hair daily, but I'm sure that takes away less of the natural oils than shampoo does.  Anyway, I'll keep you posted on how the hair is going every couple of days!

I've had floaters for a few years now.  Some days they distract me and other days I don't even notice them.  For the longest time, they were a constant reminder that my diabetes control was less than ideal.  Now I've accepted them as a gentle reminder, but I don't let them get me down.

When I pay attention to the fact that my field of vision is tainted with these little things, they really are quite distracting; otherwise, they really don't affect my daily life.  

The only reason I mention them is because it is winter.  With winter comes snow and that snow is white.  Floaters are much more prominent with a white or light background, so they are much more a part of my life lately.

It stands as a testament for human physiology and its ability to ignore that which it deems unnecessary.

In other news, I'm finding it difficult for myself to ignore that which is unnecessary!  Nevertheless, I am still getting a lot done.  I've pretty much finished the first movement (at least enough for the reading) and I'm in the process of pulling the second movement together.  I have to get a copy of both movements to my pianist by tomorrow, so I am focusing on the piano part, and then I will fill in the orchestral stuff.  My score deadline for the reading is Thursday, so I have until Wednesday night to finish and then I can spend the days thereafter preparing the parts to hand out to the orchestra.  Since the parts have to be the same as the score I hand in, at least I won't have to make creative decisions on that weekend... at least not relating to the reading material...

Ok, back to work!

Ooh, wait, first I have exciting news.... The piano is being tuned tomorrow morning!

So far, one comment and it's sopping in sarcasm.  Nevertheless, I appreciate it very much.  Thank you anonymous poster!

I got a haircut today.  After getting lunch at the food court in the mall near my apartment, I decided to try out the hair stylist in the mall - my hair was getting long and it was awful convenient.  I really didn't have high expectations at all, and accepted the fact that I might get mall-hairstylist massacred.  In the end, I think this is possibly my best haircut ever.  Normally, I shower right after getting a haircut because I'm so itchy, but there's no itch - she did a phenomenal job of keeping my neck hair free.  Also, she styled it and put gunk in.  As I knew I was going to the orchestra concert tonight, I decided to keep it in and styled.  I also wore nice clothes - something that was quite unnecessary for Orchestra London, but it made me feel oh so pretty!

Post #800

I recently realized that on the blog itself, there is no reference to how many posts I've done.  Blogger users will know that the program tells your how many posts there are in a blog, but nothing for you, my faithful readers.

I'm not going to do anything about this, because I don't think it's worth my while; rather, I just wanted to point out that I'm not just randomly pulling numbers out of you-know-where.

Eight-hundred posts - even I'm impressed at how much rambling, ranting, blabbering and word writing that is.  As self-referential as this post is labelled to be, I wondered the other day whether or not this blog will survive to one thousand.

Long story short, yes it will.

Long story - I think I'll probably blog until the internet ceases to exist for reason such as:

-It is a remarkable method of procrastination.  

-I like writing words.

-I like to rant.

-With the memory I have, I need this blog so I can account for the things I've done since 2005.

Thinking about whether the next 200 posts would happen, I thought ahead to the next year...

I realized that I have no idea of what will happen and things are always changing.  By post 850, I'll have finished my thesis and maybe even will have it performed.  By post 900, I will have graduated and will know the results of my multitudinous applications.  We all know that I will NEED this blog to properly voice my indecision.

The bottom line is that I keep changing and will likely continue to do so.  As a result, this blog continues to change.  I think back to the days when all I did was rant and complain about things; I think of how my blog has matured; and I think of how lame I have become with only blogging about my two topics these days.  I will keep blogging, and I hope that I still have readers.

[Reader Participation]

Readers, I'd like to thank you all for sticking with me, or dropping by on a rare occasion, or even those who might be reading for the first time.  I would like you all to leave me a comment and share your favourite memory of my blogging life!  

Maybe it was the time I spouted random diabetes-related numbers out and you have no idea what any of it meant; maybe it was the time I complained about my readers never commenting, or maybe it was when I posted those beautiful pictures of Hoppy the Hopster.  

Use the search function up at the top left of the page to help jog your memory.

Whatever it was, I would love to hear about it!

And readers, in true Michael fashion, you can expect a post in a few days complaining about how I've put my heart out on my sleeve, mumbly mumbly, and beg you all for the comments which you haven't yet left me!

Happy Anniversary!

little update

1)This is my last post in the seven hundreds.

2)I sent away my UBC application today and the Boston one went away yesterday.  I am officially done with applying for grad schools (in North America)!

3)After the negativity of my earlier post, my sugars have stayed flat since noon - within one mmol - that's amazing!  I'm very excited; despite being hungry, I'm avoiding eating supper for as long as I can so I can double check that my basal rate is accurate.

It seems my life has only 2 focuses these days - insulin pump and thesis.  Maybe that's because it's true.  Today I'll be writing about the pump.

  Over Christmas, I pretty much went on a break.  Looking back, at least 20% of the insulin I was taking daily was a correction - meaning I will cut back significantly the amount of insulin I require once I get the pump figured out, and that is a prospect about which I'm very excited.  Things are slowly getting better, but each time I talk to my nurse, a new problem seems to pop up.

  Perhaps I was naive in thinking that I would be able to get the pump figured out in a matter of a few weeks, but I really did think so.  I thought I would be on solid ground by this point of January.  With that said, I can see that things are slowly getting better - little by little - slowly.

  I have become much more involved in the diabetes online community, which has been very helpful, but I've found that I'm missing Manitoba's Maestro Project and the diabetics involved with it.  When I read diabetic blogs online, it often has a perspective of being diabetes focused with some real-life sprinkled in.  At maestro dinners, yes we were there to talk and learn about diabetes and whatnot, but it was always just a group of young people getting together and interacting like people first, and diabetes was just the understood commonality.

Ok, that's enough blabbing for now, I've spent too much time on diabetes today... time for thesis!

  Generally, it was a pretty productive weekend.  Both my UBC and Boston University applications are ready to go, except for:

1) Draft of the first movement of my thesis.  I'm waiting on my teacher's comments before I send it.

b)Binding - I'll do this right before I send them away.

The trip from my apartment to the FedEx Kinky's for binding, and then to the post office has become very familiar.  I did it multiple times for DAAD, and a few more times for other university applications.  I'll do it again on Tuesday and I'll enjoy it!

  Since I took a break from the first movement, I've gotten a lot of work done on my second movement.  Today I took a look back at the first movement, and I realized that there is SO much work that needs to be done before I can even send a draft away!  I was hoping that when I came back to it, it would be clear that I would only have to do a few small tasks to complete it, but that appears not to be the case.  

  Part of me wants to regret stepping back from the piece because I'll likely continue in the same manner as I would have anyway, but the other part is glad I got the second movement underway - and perhaps some of those decisions will inform the earlier movement.

Productive workspace

Since I got my extended desktop set up on my macbook, I'm back to my desk.  The amount of daylight seems to be a lot less than it was before the break, so it's been dark in my workspace.  I've made a few changes that have actually made all the difference I could have hoped for.

1)  I moved a lamp onto my desk - I can see!

2) To make room for the lamp, I shifted my monitor over to the right side of the upper level - the lamp is on the left side of the upper level.

3)  While my speakers had previously been on the upper level, they are now on the main level where the computer and piles of paper are.

4)  Random other things have shifted to make best use of the space.

I had never really enjoyed having this glass computer desk, but it was cheap when I bought it.  Now that things are in different places, I think it is actually a really good set-up.  

The second movement of my thesis is now actually coming together.  I feel like I will actually have some good stuff ready for the orchestra reading which is coming up in two or so weeks.  I'm actually feeling like some of the things I've written are really quite beautiful.  Wow, I feel nauseous to have just said that.  Oh well, I should be self-encouraging from time to time.

Oh darn, I just realized that it is the weekend and I haven't done anything more with my applications.  There is still a bunch to do - printing out scores, deciding exactly which scores to include, the cover letters or statements of interest.  Anyway, I'll get around to some of that tomorrow.  I'm waiting on feedback on my first movement so that I can edit it and include it as one of my portfolio submissions.

I'm spending too much time blogging.  Goodnight.

Today has been pretty revolutionary - I wasn't lazy and I actually got a lot of composing done.  After getting home from morning teaching and breakfast with friends, I caught a chill so I warmed up in bed.  Realizing that bed was a happy and comfortable place, but I didn't want to sleep the day away, I brought a manuscript pad and a pencil with me and worked in bed.  It was going well for a while, and then I realized that I had developed a huge kink in my neck [apparently I was kinky in bed...] so I had to work in a more conventional environment thereafter.

I've often complained of a 'block' that I seem to get, and which has been plaguing me for a long while.  I'm not sure if it is emotional or just laziness, but today I was able to get past it and got a lot done.

Well, 'a lot' is relative.

I find it positively refreshing that what I accomplished today doesn't really add up to all that much.  It wasn't like I just woke up today and was able to finish the movement, or write tons of music.  In reality, I barely broke the dirt on the musical section which I started developing today.

Nevertheless, I feel good about my accomplishments today and I look forward to many more days like today in the future!

I sent the current draft of my first movement to my adviser tonight.  I'd been obsessing over it for the last few days, but no major changes have happened.  No major changes need to happen, which is why it is time to ignore it for a few days while I get on to the other movements.  I'm sure I could spend another whole week working on the finer details of this opening movement, but I should save that finesse work for the end.

The first movement has taken me 4 months to get to this point.  Now I have to write the remaining 3 movements in 2 months - thrice the work in half the time - which means I have to increase my productivity by a factor of 6!

UBC and Boston applications are coming along and I hope to mail them on the weekend.  I will be including the first movement draft in both applications, so I hope to have some feedback from my adviser before then.  I can't wait to get these last applications out of the way.  They are really the only things standing between me and complete focus on my thesis (Yes, I'm slightly delusional in my positive thinking, but I'm alright with it).

I had felt up-rooted this last month, not because of travel, but because I didn't have my extended desktop / second monitor connected to my macbook.  I'm recalling that I had previously mentioned it, but it's an important topic.

My schedule from Mon-Friday has me waking up progressively earlier.  This is helpful so that it's not so shocking to my system, but it's only Wednesday, and I already feel like I won't make it to the end.  Nevertheless, I have already been slightly more productive during the daytime, so I'm confident that this will be nothing but goodness all around.

Alas, it is now time to get ready for bed.

Countdown to thesis, but I'm too lazy to actually count!

So, I'm in the intense portion of my thesis writing.

I have a reading session in just over 2 weeks.

The thesis performance is on April 8th.

The parts for the performers are due 3 weeks before that.

The score for the conductor is due 1 month before that, so March 8th.

To allow for changes, I'm aiming to have it done by the end of February.

The first week of January has already been going by so quickly.

I've doubled my teaching load at the university for the month of January.  This has me waking up early on 3 weekdays.  The plan is to use the daytime and work after doing my teaching.

January will be a month of learning efficiency.

February will be a month of using what I have learned, as well as freaking out.

I got the adapter for my screen so I can use dual screen with my new macbook.

It was killing me to have only had one screen for the last month.

Having extended desktop is the greatest thing ever, but the world seems so empty without it.

My aim was to make this a short post, because that is all I will have time for over the next few months, but I keep writing.  I actually wrote this one much faster than I normally do, but that's because I usually  get distracted and do other things .

Wow, procrastinating from blogging (my favourite procrastination) - such a refined art!

Happy New Year!

Well, it's 2009 now.

My time in Winnipeg was good and now that I am back in London, I am prepared to be fully dedicated to my thesis for the next 2 months - If I am not, I will likely not graduate.  This last week or so, I have been overwhelmed with the revelation that I have so little time left.  Luckily, one of my composer friends told me that whenever I feel that way, I should think of her; she does have far more to do than I, so I don't feel as bad!

Why is it that one's social life is at its peak when one has the most to do?  Since getting back to London, it seems to everyone is super-social.  It's likely because the holidays are coming to a close and everyone realizes that socialization needs to be taken care of now, before we buckle down for the next semester.

Yes, Buckling... that's what I'm doing... exactly, Oh the buckles!

Continuing with the sweater-vest theme, I've been getting compliments from people when I wear knits, in general.  

On Christmas Eve I wore my new sweater vest and my greataunt was convinced I had lost weight.

The other day, I wore my cardigan and my friend Holly took a while to figure out that it was the cardigan, but the moral was that she thought I looked good.  It wasn't my hair, it wasn't being more clean-shaven, it wasn't my shoes - it was my knit cardigan!

People in London really liked my hand-knit toque!  This shouldn't be a surprise, everything I knit is beautiful!

Maybe I should revive my completely knit ensemble that I wore way back in 2001 to the University of Winnipeg.  For years after, people still recognized me as the red knit-pants guy!

Ok, I'm off to bed.

Good Night!

I can easily say that the day I had today was well worth the hassle of being stuck in town for a few extra days.  I spent the afternoon/evening with some of my favourite people from my undergrad years.  We were able to relax with each other and have some of the fun that kind of got a little lost as we progressed through the years.

The last portion of a the day would have been terrible with anyone else, but the company made it bearable... therefore, here is a movie review:

High School Musical 3:

Ugghh.  Generally this movie was pretty terrible.

Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you just broke out into song at the drop of a hat?  It would be trite, fickle, and badly overdubbed - just like this movie.

The storyline was weak at best - a group of high-school students write a high-school musical to commemorate the end of their high-school careers.. how high school!  The movie starts off with the basketball team only having 16 minutes left on their last game of the season, and even though they're already talking about prom being around the corner, they have time to write, rehearse, and do a performance run of this elaborately tacky musical.  Of course, the musical has no real story, and it's pretty much just rehashings of songs that were sung earlier in the movie.

As a musical, this triple threat fell flat on its ass: Acting was horrific and unbelievable, much like most musicals, but really... this is a big budget one - at least try!!  Dancing was somewhat redeemable.  The leads were quite good, and there was some strong corps dancing by the guys, but the females didn't make the cut.  At one point there was a kicking chorus line, if you could even dare to call it that - feet were variable pointed... if pointed at all, there was a good 30 degrees variation on kick height, and they were pathetically low!  The singing... well, it was dubbed and way over-processed.  The female vocal lead was pretty bad and the use of pitch correction technology was horribly obvious and shouldn't even have been necessary.  If you're recording something... the professionals should be good enough that they can record something decent on their own, they have lots of opportunity to try, try, and try again... it's not like they are performing it live!  Goddamn, give me a recording studio and a Hollywood budget... I would sound like fucking Horowitz!  Most annoyingly was the slash job of dubbing.  Golly, they can match up voices to cartoon characters, so why can't they do the same for these so-called actors!

Besides all the the numerous flaws with this musical, there were a few good things:

The lead guy was a nice hunk of eye-candy, at first I felt a little guilty cause he was playing a high-school student, but I checked and he's 21, so it's all good.

It's a feel good experience.  As much as I mock, you can't not smile/laugh/pass gas during the overly cheesy romantic moments, or the overdramatized moments where every ounce of their soul is riding on how well they spontaneously dance in the middle of a basketball game.

In conclusion, this movie blows, but it was great fun to watch and make fun of!

vacation extension

I was supposed to be on a train to Toronto/London right now, but it got cancelled.  This change will see me flying home instead, on New Year's Day.

  It's not that I love London, or hate Winnipeg, but I was ready to leave and I was really looking forward to getting a lot of work done on the train ride.  With refund, the travel change is only costing ten dollars, so I got a good last minute flight deal, but I'm sad I won't be taking the train.

Taking the train would have meant missing new years in both cities, which would have been a tad lame, but maybe it would have been for the best.  We'll find out in a few days.

To make up for the isolated productivity of the train, I'm forcing myself to work here.  I went to the neighbourhood library today - I hadn't been there since I was a pre-teen, and I could tell why.  It was tiny, and filled with so many romance novels, self-help books, and junk.  The entire area of the main floor was probably only a thousand square feet, and the work/study area they claimed to have was three tiny tables with chairs.  I got some work done, but it was pretty ghetto.  This was a gentle reminder of just how different the academic world is from the real world.

Merry Christmas!

It's a day late, but festive greetings to all!
I guess it's not a day late, but my family celebrated Christmas a day early because my sister went out of town. Dinner was on Tuesday, and we did presents and such on the 24'th. Today, I did pretty much nothing, but played with Olive and did a minuscule bit of composition.

I'm rather happy with the things I got for Christmas this year; I had requested less 'stuff' and 'junk' because I don't have much luggage room to carry it home with me. Some highlights:
-Leather messenger bag/satchel for laptop and general work stuff
-A really nice blazer/sportscoat
-A sweatervest (*)
*So, I doubt she still reads this blog, but a long time reader and I had a special bond over our performance clothing. For pretty much all performances in our first 2 years of music school, she would wear her performance broach, and I would wear my performance vest. It was a plain black sweater vest with a light white trim on the arms and waist. Because of belly growth and structural decay of the sweater vest, I threw it out. This new one is just all black. In recent years, I've been thinking that I needed one for those performances when a button down just won't suffice, and I don't feel like wearing a jacket. Long story short, I like the sweatervest very much.

Family time has been good over the holidays. The time went by very quickly, and of course I haven't done as much composing as I needed to. Nevertheless, there are a few days left and I will make the best use of them.

This year, I put much less effort into being social while in Winnipeg. I've still seen quite a few people, and I'm wondering if I've missed out on anyone. It's hard to say - sure, I could see more people, but at the same time, I could do with seeing fewer people.
Anyway, there are but a few days left before my exciting train journey back home, so I will make the best of it. YAY!

Happy Festivus!

  Today is the official day to celebrate Festivus.  Last night the dinner went fairly well.  Unlike last year, we actually had a Festivus Pole - fashioned from a broomstick and aluminum foil - suspended from the lamp above the dinner table.

  Despite the short notice, we had just shy of a dozen people there and the food people brought made for a rather delicious meal.

  At the beginning of the night, it was rather delightfully awkward as people were not terribly talkative; they were constantly consulting me about what to do next.  At best, Festivus is a vague holiday, and I don't claim to be an expert, merely an enthusiast.  The best course of action was clearly to loosen people up by drinking while we waited for the rest of the attendees.  Eventually, more people came.  The conversation livened; bellies were filled with food, and hearts were filled with laughter and happiness!

  It wouldn't truly be the holidays without a grumpy gus, so it was truly a Festivus miracle to have had one person there who didn't seem to have been in the Festivus spirit.  Nevertheless, I think that a good time was had by just about everyone!

  Today has been a low-key day.  I've been doing some composing mixed with keeping an eye on my puppy niece.  She has been quite naughty: climbing on couches, reeking havoc in the kitchen, barking like a mad-dog, and general mischievousness.  Because my sister and brother-in-law are heading East on Christmas day, we are having our nice big dinner today.

I love my puppy niece!

Olive is such a delightful puppy niece!  She is filled with energy and spasticity.  She's also adorable and cuddly when she is tuckered out.

We're having Festivus tomorrow.  I intended to host again this year, but just like last time, I'm ghost hosting at Kyle's house - it's much roomier, and trying to control Olive during a dinner party would be a nightmare.  Festivus is coming together very last-minute, so who knows how many people will actually attend.

It shouldn't, but it does surprise me how quickly this month, this term, this year has gone by.  Let's not even mention the thesis...

I've ordered more infusion sets, and they'll arrive here tomorrow or Tuesday.  Tomorrow, I need to change my infusion site, and guess what - it's my last set... so I can't afford for it to not work.  This is cutting it perhaps a little close for comfort.

I've been on a regimen vacation for the last week.  Correcting has helped a bit, but I've not been as accurate with carb counting, and eating close to sleeping once again has caused problems.... I knew there was a reason I vowed to stop.

I know people always say they eat more around the holidays, but I've seen a tangible scale - My average daily insulin usage while in London was around 75 units - since Winnipeg, it's averaging more like 90.... oopsie.  Well, some days were really high, but today was only 63 units.

Winnipeg is cold.  I went tobogganing with some friends yesterday and it was super fun, until our faces couldn't handle the cold burning anymore.  I think it was -30 with windchill feeling like -47, but I'm likely exaggerating, a bit.  We bought 3 dollar crazy carpet things and had the time of our lives!

In Winnipeg for the holidays.

When I walked out of the airport, I was prepared for the worst. Yes, it was damned cold, but I liked it. There's something about the Winnipeg cold that I like. I guess it feels like home. Sure, I love to bitch about the cold, but I think I still prefer it to the humid crap bucket that is London in the winter.
My trip to Vancouver was great. Even though my host Jon had a crippling 'nass' injury, we were still able to do lots of fun things.
I haven't been terribly social since getting into Winnipeg. I spent time with my alway-out-late-at-night friend late-at-night after I flew in, but other than that, I haven't seen any friends. Actually, I spent some great quality time with Petra - my 5'8" 50 year old Czechoslovakian love of my life. She was tuned on the morning of my arrival, so she sounded gorgeous! I really do miss my piano, and piano in general. I hope that whatever next year brings, we will be reunited, or I will at least be able to play lots.
Ok, company has just come over so I need to socialize with friends of the family.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Tonight is my last night in Vancouver.  The time here has been short and sweet.

We did a fair bit of shopping, saw some different parts of the city and most importantly, I got to spend some quality time with Jon and Mai -who were wonderful hosts!

I fly tomorrow evening to Winnipeg, but I'm not excited about the fact that the weather will be around forty below when I arrive, and staying quite cold for the entire week...  As winter has been known to do, this will be a cold visit to my hometown.

I did a wee bit of Christmas shopping here in Vancouver, but I need to do all of my Christmas shopping once I get to Winnipeg.  My suitcase was full enough on my way here,

[This is the suitcase that must be around 40 years old now - it is a hard case blue suitcase with a wonderful duck sticker on it.  It was/is my dad's but I adopted it as my own even though it's not really big enough to fit much in.  Long story short, the front of the suitcase got dented this trip.  I didn't overfill it and it was no fault of my own, but I suppose it had to happen sooner or later.]

but now that I've bought a new light winter jacket best suited for London/Vancouver/non-Winnipeg weather, I'm going to have to struggle to cram everything in somewhere.

For the return part of my trip, I'll switch to a larger suitcase, as I hope to receive/boxing day shop for some new clothes.

I have no idea what to buy for people, but this year it will definitely be done on a conservative budget.  Oh yes, and with love!

Yesterday was, indeed a long day of travel.    

I worked at 10am playing ballet classes.  By the time I got home, I had one and a half hours to pack and get ready.  The last few minutes were a scramble, as they always are, to make sure I wasn't forgetting anything.

I took a shuttle service from London to the Toronto airport which got me there in great time.  From the time I arrived at the airport, it was approximately 6 minutes until I was through security and I had over an hour until my boarding time.  The flight boarded late, but left pretty much on time. 

  The flight itself was pretty good.  I talked for a good chunk of it with my neighbour, and it was really good airplane conversation.  I didn't get any sleep on the plane really, but kinda sorta nodded off during SNL.  By the way, it was actually a pretty good episode last night.  I haven't watched SNL in years because it has been so disappointing.  Perhaps, there is a turnaround in effect.

  We arrived on time in Vancouver and my luggage was one of the first to come off the ramp, so I went straight outside to wait in line for a taxi. I waited for a while, and people were impatient.  There was a woman whose job it was to organize taxi rides.  I felt so bad for her, because everyone was so impatient and rude to her.  Apparently because of some snow, there were a few accidents, and there was no traffic getting in or out of the island where the airport is.  I came inside and wasted some time on the internet, but eventually decided to wait in the line which had grown to about 50 people.  Most people left the line at some point because we kept being told that it would be a long time, and it was.  Having arrived at 11am, I did not get a taxi until 2:30am - 5:30 London time.

  Now I'm here at my friends Jon and Mai's apartment!  They are wonderful hosts and I had a great sleep, eventually.

  Yay Vancouver!

Well, I hadn't done it for quite a while, but I started back at it the other night. I stayed up until 5am on tuesday because of it.
I knit.
My new macbook inspired me to knit a case for it. I'm not the type that would waste my money on a case, especially when I can make one myself.
Therefore, here are pictures of the computer and its new home.


There's nothing really special about the pictures of the computer itself, you can get a nicer look at the computer and its features on the promotional website, but there you go anyway.

Below are pictures of the case I've spent several hours of procrastination time making. I haven't finished it yet, I need to sew the back of the apple logo together at the back so it doesn't stretch so much.
Also, I made it a little too small - it fits nice and tight so the macbook is safe and sound, but the stretch is especially noticeable with the logo. Once again, sewing it together at the back will fix that slightly, but hmm.. only time will tell.














In other news, I haven't gotten the gleaming results I've wanted from the pump this week. I meant to fast during the afternoon sometime this week, but it just didn't fit into my schedule. Tomorrow, I have my last phone meeting with my nurse, so hopefully she will have some helpful advice.
I leave on Saturday and will be spending the rest of the month out West. I will be treating it like a pump vacation for bits of it. In order to get a clear picture of my insulin's function, I haven't been allowed to correct for high sugars this last few weeks, but I will be taking care of that while away. Hopefully, this will remind me of the goodness that the pump promises. So far, it hasn't delivered what it is supposed to be able to do. I realize that I need to work at it, and I have, but it has been less than inspiring thus far.

Also, tomorrow I have my last meeting with my thesis adviser before he goes on sabbatical, and though I will still meet with him next term, I want to make the most of it. With that said, I haven't written enough for tomorrow, so I'm off to do that!

I sent in my applications to Toronto and McGill today!
I'm taking the day to relax, then I'll do some work on my thesis.
It feels good to have that dealt with. Now there are just a few things to deal with before I leave for my holidays.

Last night was a minor, yet aggravating setback - my printer ran out of toner! I didn't notice until after printing some orchestral scores, so I wasted about 40 pages of paper.
Today I will buy new toner and paper. I will probably miss the postman, but I still plan to get the packages to the post office today.

I finished writing both proposals last night and did an initial edit. Today I will edit them better and revise the Personal Statement so it will fit U of T.

After taking hours for my PC notebook to convert wma files into apple format, I woke up and copied the files onto my new macbook and now it has music. When it gets internet access, it will be complete!

I'm working on my research statement for McGill. I'm not allowing anymore procrastination - I WILL send off my packages tomorrow for McGill and U of Toronto. I need the rest of the week to work on my thesis.
I'm meeting a friend from Winnipeg for lunch tomorrow - inspiration to get up early and work hard tomorrow morning! Then after lunch, it will be a trip to Kinky-Kinko's and the post office.
Mailing early = cheapish postage. 2 years ago, I blogged about spending 11$ on postage for my McGill application implying that that was expensive... if only I knew how expensive last minute shipping could get!

Pump - sugars are acting pretty reliably, though high, but not too high. I'm leaving next Saturday, and I won't want to be tracking sugars as much while I'm on 'vacation', so this is the week to fix things!

Baby Steps

I'm staying in on a Saturday night, and I'm kind of enjoying my hermitishness.

I'm getting things done, little by little:
I did two loads of laundry.
I finished writing a draft of my personal statement for McGill.
I finished the online application to Boston University.

Things left to be done before I leave London:
Edit and finalize research statement for McGill.
Choose, print and bind scores for McGill and U of T.
Compile and mail application packages.
Compose and hopefully complete first movement of thesis.
Organize paperwork so I don't go crazy when tax time comes.


Updates on the standard topics:
Macbook - frustration = I can't get my music onto my new mac. It won't let me import wma files, and I can't get them to go from Ipod into Itunes.
Any suggestions would be most welcomed!

Pump - I'm wearing my infusion set more on this side than normal, so it's getting in the way - it snagged on a door earlier and though it's still intact, it was somewhat unpleasant.
I know it hasn't even been a week, but I'm still not getting used to being tethered.

Macbook

I left a note for UPS to deliver to the bookstore beneath me if I wasn't around today. When I got home around 4pm, there was a macbook waiting for me!
I had to deal with my pump first with a phone call from my nurse and an infusion set change, but eventually I unpacked it and did my manual reading and enjoyed.

It really is as wonderful as it has been hyped to be. Setting it up was intuitive and simple. I installed Sibelius in a flash and moved over all of my important files.
I won't have internet on it for a while because our wireless is IP specific, so my roommate needs to add the new IP address when he gets back after the weekend.

Photobooth = the most fun ever, haha!

I really don't enjoy being this emotionally flippant. As I'm sure you can tell, I've been up and down a lot lately due to my sugars.
I sent a bitchy email to my pump nurse earlier today and felt quite justified in doing so. Later, and especially while talking to her, I was reminded of how nice she is and how undeserving of my rage she is.
In theory, I won't let things get to me, but in reality, I can't help it!
Anyway, the nurse made a nice big adjustment that should make things better and she promised that in a week's time, I will be able to correct for high sugars again! YAYAYAY!!

Online shipment tracking is a wonderful thing.
I want my macbook NOW NOW NOW so I've been checking at least daily to see where my macbook has made it to.
Last time I checked, it had left Shanghai. Since then, it arrived in Anchorage, Alaska and made its way down to Louisville, Kentucky. Seems a little wasteful, why not ship it directly from Alaska to ME?!? Anyway, it's getting close; I'm going to be hopeful and tell myself that I'll have it on Friday, maybe Monday at the latest.

Sugars are much better than yesterday, thanks to waking up with slightly low sugars... eep!
As predicted, though, they climbed their way back up to around 11 by the time I got around to lunch.
Nevermind, I spoke too soon. Sugars are sucking again. I went up high after lunch for no apparent reason - same food and same bolus as the other day, but not the same effect.
Grrr.

Nothing says happy beginning of September like the remnants of one's body devouring itself due to lack of insulin.
It's been years since I've had ketones, and tonight I had trace amounts.
I fasted all morning and part of the afternoon then had some late lunch. The sugars all day were around 11-13mmol, so while they were high, I at least know that the basal rate is pretty close.
After lunch, I changed the infusion site.
At dinner, my sugars had gone up a bit, so I took a correction with my dinner. Low GI value and the correction taken with it should have seen my sugars actually drop down before coming back up and levelling off after dinner, but they never went down at all. When I tested for, and found even just trace amounts of ketones, I knew it was time to yank the site and try a new one.
I took a correction by insulin pen and I'll check to see that worked in a little while.

I'm trying to stay positive about pumping, I really am. I will continue to try, but this is wearing me thin- not literally of course, haha.
Nevertheless, I'm not a quitter. Between that and my love of spite, I will stick with this damned pump for a while yet.

My new reader pointed out that my last post seemed out of place.
I used to blog in that manner a lot more often a few years ago, but not so much these days. I'm generally a very happy-go-lucky guy. There aren't many things that get me pissy, but boy - watch out when they do, haha!

The background - I've been diabetic since I was 7 years old, totalling 18 years now. Over the last 3 years, I've been relearning Diabetes and making some strong improvements to my control and approach. I wish I had the time to add labels for all 7 hundred posts so that you could filter the diabetes ones...
Anyway, this last year I have felt IN CONTROL of my diabetes. While the numbers could improve, I had a good understanding of how my body worked in most situations and what to do to work WITH my body and its lack of insulin.
Since starting on the pump, I feel that I've lost that control. Don't be scared away by what I say- I'm sure I will love it in a few weeks, but this new regimen and all the change are testing my patience. Also, spending an entire day above 10 is something that I hadn't done in a long time, and I really really dislike it - as you gathered from my last post.

I want to wish Gary the best of luck tomorrow as he starts on his pump!
Congrats!
I hope that the experience is great for you, and I want to hear all about it. Are you keeping a blog also?

In addition to the pump, the company sent me the Contour Link glucose meter. It has a feature that allows it to communicate with the pump wirelessly. Unfortunately, my meter reads everything at 2mmol higher than my other 3 meters say. I will be sending it back for a replacement when I have time.
In terms of the Continuous Glucose Monitor - I bought the sensor and the things I'll need to use it, but the training I'm doing instructs us to not use it until we are fully operational on the pump.
I did however have previous experience with the CGM. Go here to see what I wrote about it, also check the archive for the days before and after that. Like here or here.

In conclusion, today was a better day.
I'm getting the physical manifestations of the cumulative stress in my life. Jaw tension and arm tension abound!
A quick view of things to do:
Lesson tomorrow that I haven't done much writing for - I'll do much tonight and tomorrow morning.
Anxiously awaiting both Macbook and pump supplies in the mail.
I've almost finished off a piece that I'm excited to hand over to the singer in the next few days.
Dance exams on Friday - need to find time to practice, AND they're at 9am! in the morning!
McGill and Toronto applications need to be sent out within the week. ish.
I need to have finished 25% of my thesis in a few days to stay on track.